Rouge Toons

In this action comedy spoofing James Bond, Iron Man, Game of Thrones and 'Frozen (2013) among others, Hamton J. Pig, Rita and Runt must team with a beautiful yet mysterious pig in order to save their co-stars and the world from an evil magic...

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9. Toons Gone Bad

The four spies hadn’t been walking very long. Then Rond’s tracker beeped and they stopped.
   “According to this thing,” Rond said as she looked at her little gadget, “the orb is in that temple.”
   She pointed forward and Hamton, Rita and Runt saw a big stone temple that looked very similar to the Taj Mahal but with golden roofs over its domes.
   “I didn’t know there was a temple on K2,” said Hamton. “I read about this mountain in geography and there has been no mention of a building up here at all.”
   “Well, not many people climb up to the top of here,” said Rond. “Maybe that’s why it must not have been advertised so much.”
   “Then what are we waiting for?” said Hamton. “Let’s check it out.”
   He started walking ahead, but Rond heard screaming up above and quickly pulled him back.
   “Her,” said Rond, pointing to the girl who landed in front of them.
   “What about her?” Runt asked.
   “We’ve got to deal with her first,” Rond explained.
   The girl in front of her was Katie Ka-Boom who was wearing a furry coat, furry hat and pink gloves. “Can I help you?” she asked.
   “Yeah, just let us pass you and you won’t need to turn into a monster,” said Rond.
   Katie frowned as she charged towards the heroes. “What do you mean by that?”
   “Keep your coat on, Katie,” said Rond. “I can see your pants falling down.”
   “Pants falling down!” Katie screamed, her eyes glowing white as her snarling teeth.
   “Rond, what are you doing?” asked Rita.
   “I know what I’m doing,” said Rond.
   “You’d better,” muttered Rita.
   “I heard that,” said Rond.
   The heroes started to back away.
   Then they saw Katie being turned into her monster form. “Now you all shall die!” she roared.
   Rond and her team were still backing away from the monster.
   “Rond, will you tell us your plan?” Rita demanded.
   “I’m trying to get us into the temple,” Rond replied.
   “By tip-toping away from it?” Rita just didn’t understand what Rond was thinking.
   “And slipping on ice,” added Runt.
   Everyone saw that Runt was on the ice and was slipping away, but he was enjoying it.
   “Runt, get off the ice,” Rita ordered.
   “He can’t,” said Rond.
   “Why?” asked Rita.
   “Because we’re on the ice, too,” said Rond.
   Rita and Hamton looked down to see that they were on the ice as well. Hamton fell down.
   “Please tell us what you’re doing, Jane,” said Hamton.
   “Please just trust me,” said Rond.
   Katie stepped on the ice. The ice started to crack. The cracks came to the four spies.
   “Hold,” ordered Rond.
   Her three friends held together but were still worried.
   Katie stepped forward, but then her leg fell into the cold water, followed by her whole body. And as she sank deeper into the cold water, the ice the spies were standing on flipped up into the air.
   Hamton and Rita screamed as they flew in the air, Runt was enjoying the cool fresh air and Rond was focusing on where they were going to land. And they were headed to right where they were needed.
   “Temple at twelve o’clock,” said Rond. “Close your eyes and brace for impact.”
   “Braces? What braces?” asked Runt. “And we don’t even have braces on our teeth.”
   “She means prepare yourself to land in the temple, you buffoon!” snapped Rita.
   “Oh,” said Runt. “Well, why didn’t you say so in the – ”
   SMASH!
   They broke through the colourful stained-glass window from one of the golden dome roofs and landed on the stone white tiled floor.
   Rita groaned. “Don’t you have any gadgets that could help us land less painfully?”
   “If I did,” Rond said, “don’t you think I would’ve used them already?”
   The spies stood up and looked around the large stone temple with glass stained windows and flaming torches on the walls.
   “And there it is,” said Rond, pointing straight ahead to the orb floating above a golden stand at the far end of the massive room.
   “Then let’s grab it and get out of here before we get into any more trouble,” said Rita.
   “Yes, sir,” said Rond in a mocking tone.
   They ran for the orb. Rond reached for it before a couple of swords stopped her. She saw the arms holding the swords were coming from the shadows. The bodies of the arms came out of the shadows.
   “We’re the Warner Brothers,” said Yakko and Wakko Warner. They said in an unusually unfriendly tone of voice with glaring eyes.
   “And the Warner Sister?” asked Rond, moving backwards. Then she stopped as the pointy end of a third sword touched the back of her feet.
   “Right behind you,” said Dot in a threatening tone.
   Rond looked to see that Hamton, Rita and Runt were surrounded by an army, pointing swords, spears and metal nets at them.
   “Why are your friends acting so strangely?” asked Hamton.
   He was right. The army was the cast of Animaniacs.
   “Where’s Pinky and the Brain?” asked Rond.
   They were the only two out of the Animaniacs not there.
   “Guys, don’t you remember us?” asked Rita. “Rita and Runt?”
   “Put a milk bottle in it, kitty,” snapped Slappy Squirrel, pointing a spear to her.
   “We got ‘em!” cried Pesto. “We got ‘em! Let’s beat the stuffin’ out of them!”
   “No, Pesto,” said Bobby. “The boss wants them alive.”
   “Which boss?” asked Pesto. “The golden peacock? Or the other one?”
   “I thought it was the pig she wants the most,” said Squit.
   “Which one?” asked Minerva Mink.
   “I think she said she wanted both pigs,” said Hello Nurse.
   “Then let’s get the pigs and beat the cat and dog,” said Plotz.
   As the Animaniacs drew closer to the three prisoners, Rita hissed and charged for under Ralph T. Guard’s legs. Her tail hit the middle between the legs, causing poor Ralph to fall down and cry like a baby who just had candy taken away from him.
   Then Rita jumped onto Yakko’s head and covered his eyes.
   “Hey, get off, you smelly feline!” Yakko shouted.
   But Rita kept on making sure that his eyes were covered. As he tried to whack her off, he actually hit his little sister on the back of her head and knocked off his younger brother’s cap.
    Rita jumped off and Yakko saw himself defending himself from his attacking siblings coming for him.
   “Thanks, Rita,” said Rond, as she picked up one of the Warners’ swords.
   “One of the good things that come from living and fighting on the streets,” said Rita.
   “Okay, you maniacs,” Rond said to the bad Animaniacs. “You want Hamton, you got to go through me first.”
   “With pleasure,” said Slappy, waving her purse around.
   “You know you’re not getting paid extra for being the first volunteer,” said Rond.
   “That’s okay,” said Slappy. “I just love to whack.”
    As Slappy’s purse got closer and closer to her, Rond slashed the sword at the handles, creating a hole at the bottom of the purse and causing the money to fall out.
   Rond picked up all the money. “Thank you.”
   “Come on, let’s get that no-good, slashing, whacking pig!” cried Pesto.
   He and the Goodfeathers charged for Rond, but she waved her sword at them. The pigeons looked down to see they were untouched by the sword.
   “Ha, you need to work on your sword whacking a little more,” said Pesto.
   “I think you guys need a little more practise on keeping your feathers on,” said Rond.
   “What does she mean?” asked Squint.
   Then he got his answer when he saw that his and the other pigeons’ feathers were dropping like flies. They covered their naked bodies and flew away.
   Rond faced the other Animaniacs. “Anybody else want a turn?” she asked. “I don’t have all day and neither do the readers.”
   “Let’s get them!” ordered Plotz. “There are more of us than four of them! So, come on!”
   His co-stars cheered and followed him.
    “J.A.N.Y.I.S., play the Kill Bill theme song,” Rond said in her earpiece.
   Then the whole place echoed with the Kill Bill theme song. Rond jumped towards the charging Animaniacs and started whacking her sword around, cutting off Ralph’s and Dr. Scratchensniff’s nets. She stamped on Buttons’s paws, making him whimper and run off, followed by the bad, yet still curious Mindy.
   After knocking the two hippos down and stamping on Skippy Squirrel’s tail and making him cry even as a bad guy, Rond was left with Hello Nurse and Minerva mink who were wearing female samurai suits and holding samurai swords. They charged for Rond, but the clever pig jumped to them and landed their beautiful blonde hairs.
   “Time for a haircut,” said Rond, as she waved her sword around and hair came falling down. She jumped down and got out a mirror.
   Hello Nurse and Minerva looked in the mirror and screamed at their newly bald heads! They ran out in fear.
   Soon the temple was cleared of bad guys.
   “Come on, guys,” said Rond. “Let’s get that orb.”


The spies were feeling proud of themselves as they walked away from the temple. Even Rita was starting to feel part of the team now and enjoying the mission more.
   “Two down, one to go,” said Rond.
   “Then we destroy them?” asked Hamton.
   “That’s right, Hammy,” said Rond. “And then – ”
   Then she noticed Runt was sneering and growling. She looked ahead to see a strange, scary-looking creature coming out of the blizzard.
   “Who, that guy who looks like a White Walker from the Song of Ice and Fire series?” asked Rond.
   “Song of Ice and Fire?” asked Rita.
   “The book series that inspired the TV series Game of Thrones,” Runt explained.
   Rond approached the creature. “Yes, sir, how can we help you?”
   “By giving me your orbs,” said the creature.
   “And whom am I giving it to?” asked Rond.
   “That is none of your concern,” said the creature.
   “Look, I don’t know your name or who you work for,” said Rond. “So, I’m not just going to give – ”
   Then she was grabbed by her jacket by furry grey hands and was slammed close into the furry, blue-eyed, pig-like face with a beard.
   “My name is Jelix Fighter,” said the creature. “And who I work for doesn’t matter. What matters is what will happen to you if you don’t give the orbs up!”
   “Very well, Mr. Fighter,” said Rond. “Let me go and I’ll give them to you.”
   “You’d better not be lying,” warned Fighter, as he let go of the spy pig.
   Rond reached into her bag and got out the two orbs. Fighter reached for them, but she threw them to him. Or rather over his head. And off the cliff!
   Rond and her team ran for the edge. “Race you for them, Fighter.”
   Fighter saw them jump off the cliff. He thought they were crazy but he still wanted the orbs so he jumped down.
   As he floated down, he couldn’t see anyone down below on the ground. As he pulled his parachute out of his bag, he felt confident that he would beat the others to the orbs.
   “Hey, Fighty!”
   Fighter looked left to see Rond, Hamton, Rita and Runt on the newly-fixed Big Nellie. Hamton was holding the orbs.
   “Good luck trying to catch us!” she called, waving to him.
   Rond got out her enormous anti-freezer and fired at Fighter’s parachute, making him float away and crash into the nearest mountain.


“J.A.N.Y.I.S., find the last orb as quick as you can,” Rond ordered as she and her team got back inside of Big Nellie.
   “Already on it, Ma’am,” said J.A.N.Y.I.S.
   “And perfect timing rescuing us,” said Rond.
   “Thanks, Ma’am.”
   Rond went to her teammates who looked upset.
   “Okay, is it about your co-stars turning against you, Rita, Runt?” asked Rond.
   “No, no, it’s just that I’m cold and wet and tired,” said Rita.
   “I thought we were shocked our co-stars attacked us,” said Runt.
   “Runt, shh!” snapped Rita. “I don’t want to talk about – ”
   “Okay, I won’t talk about it,” said Rond. Then she turned to Hamton. “What’s troubling you, Hamton?”
   “I’m just hope the same hasn’t happened to my friends,” said Hamton.
   “Well, would it help,” said Rond, “while she finds the last orb, if J.A.N.Y.I.S. can find out why your friends have been acting so strangely and joined the bad side.”
   All she got from her team was mumbles and little head nods.
   “Okay,” she said. “Now, as for the feeling cold and wet, how about something that will cheer you up?”
   “No!” snapped Rita. “I don’t need any gadgets that will set me ablaze.”
   “Oh, so you don’t want these fish and chips, then?” asked Rond, holding four plates of fish and chips.
   “Fish and chips!” Runt panted. “Oh, boy!”
   He dived into Rond, making her drop the plates down.
   Hamton got up and fought with Runt over the remaining fish and chips on the floor.
   The girls just sat down on the seats, behaving more civilized. Rond gave Rita a big fish. Rita immediately dug into it.
   “I’m sorry, did you want some?” asked the cat.
   “No, I’m a vegetation pig,” said Rond, scuffing down a spoonful of mushy peas which didn’t taste very nice.

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