Rouge Toons

In this action comedy spoofing James Bond, Iron Man, Game of Thrones and 'Frozen (2013) among others, Hamton J. Pig, Rita and Runt must team with a beautiful yet mysterious pig in order to save their co-stars and the world from an evil magic...

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2. The Tough Girls

Hamton was carrying a tower of food. It was so high that he couldn’t see where he was going.
 BUMP!
 He was on the floor with all the food laid around him. He started to get back on his hooves again.
“Popcorn?”
 “Ice cream?”
“Cheese burgers?”
“Candy floss?”
“Pizzas?”
“With anchovies!”
Hamton looked ahead to see a brown-furred wolf with pigtails, a silver-skinned komodo dragon with long black hair and rainbow glasses and a yellow feather peacock with tied-up yellow hair. They were all each wearing silver dresses.
 “Oh, I’m so sorry,” said Hamton. “I couldn’t see where I was going.”
 The komodo dragon approached him. “You could have made two trips instead of one. And all of this food is not good for you – ”
 “Odd-Blob!” snapped the wolf. “There’s no need to be a diva or to give another boring lecture.”
 “But, Snarls,” protested Odd-Blob. “I – ”
 “Snarls?” cried Hamton. “Odd-Blob?” And he turned to the peacock. “Goldfeather? You’re not by any chance – ”
“The Tough Girls?” said Odd-Blob. “We are.”
 “Actually, my name is Blonde-feather and we’re the Mean Girls,” said the peacock.
 “Shut up, Goldfeather!” snapped Snarls. “You’re a superstar and yet this fan of yours is ten times smarter than you.” Then she turned around to face Hamton. “What’s your name?”
 “Hamton J. Pig,” replied Hamton.
 “From Tiny Toon Adventures,” added Odd-Blob. “Would you like to come backstage with us?”
 Hamton thought about it. He had never been offered something like in his life and recently his friends hadn’t been treating him very well. They’ve either been sending him away to get stuff, like Plucky did five minutes ago, or just not been talking to him. So this is the first time in a long while that he’s been give attention – positive attention, that is.
 “Oh, come on,” said Goldfeather, putting her wing on his back.
 “Gee, thanks,” said Hamton. “It’s an honour to meet a very successful rock band.”
 “You’re too kind,” said Odd-Blob. “But this band’s only been around for three years. We’re on after right Jo Bayboy.”
 “Jo Bayboy?” said Hamton. “The teen idol?”


“Now,” said Spielberg, “after seeing the new Pinky and the Brain short, A View to a Chill, directed by Christopher Nolan…”
 Nolan, Pinky and the Brian stood up and waved to thunderous applause.
 “…the board and I need to make its mind up on which animated short is the winner,” finished Spielberg. “But while we’re deciding, here is critically acclaimed and highly popular teen idol, Joanna Bayboy.”
 The audience applauded, as a beautifully tanned blonde eighteen-year-old in a black dress approached the stage.
“Thank you,” she said modestly. “I’m so happy to be here. As you know, it’s been three years since I performed or acted.”
“Well, what stopped you?” asked Plucky.
“Plucky,” said Buster. “They say, three years ago, a mean pig gave Jo’s friend, Tina Heman, a drink that made her so ill and tried to give it to her, too.”
 “So she went into hiding for three years,” said Babs.
“But now she’s being brave and coming out of it,” said Buster. “You’ve got to admire her for that.”
“What happened to that evil pig?” asked Plucky.
“She escaped and no one has heard from her since,” replied Buster.
“Now, this is a brand new song that I’ve been writing in my three-year absence,” said Jo.
The room went dark and the music began to play. “People may never accept who you are and will force to change you,” Jo sang.


Backstage, Hamton followed the Tough Girls.
 “We’ve got to get to go on,” Snarls said to Hamton. “So if you just sit down and treat yourself to this delicious popcorn…”
 Hamton sat down and Goldfeather gave him a bucket full of… logs?
 “Goldfeather, what’s this?” demanded Snarls.
 “Treating him with Yule logs,” said Goldfeather.
 Odd-Blob pick up a ‘Yule’ log and tasted it.
CRUNCH!
 “Ow!” she moaned, as she spat a tooth out. “It is a clearly not a Yule log.”
 “Goldfeather!” yelled Snarls. “You are making us look back by giving our guest nothing to eat! This is just a normal wood log, not a Yule log and it’s not even Christmas! Now, get him the popcorn! This week!”
 Goldfeather didn’t move.
 “Well, why aren’t you moving?”
 “You said I have all week to get him popcorn,” replied Goldfeather.
 “Oh!” Snarls sighed. She grabbed a bucket of pop corn and gave it to Hamton. “See you later, dude.” And, with that, the Tough Girls left.
 “Oh, boy!” cried Hamton, as he sniffed the popcorn. “This popcorn smells really delicious!”
 He grabbed a hoof-ful of popcorn and was bringing it to his mouth, when –
WHACK!
 Hamton saw that his hoof had no popcorn in it at all. It was on the ground. Then the bucket was yanked.
 “Hey!” yelled Hamton, as he saw who took it. It was another pig! A female, tall, black pig with long straight black hair.
Hamton had seen some skinny pigs (the farm type pigs, not the guinea pig species) in his life, but this one was the skinniest pig he had ever met in his life.
She was wearing a dark blue cleaner’s uniform.
“We can share,” said Hamton. “There’s no need to steal.”
 “And there’s no need for us to be turned into pork chops, either,” snapped the female pig in a British accent.
  That stopped Hamton. “What do you mean?” he asked.
 “This popcorn doesn’t have salt or sugar on it,” said the pig. “It has a sleeping stuff on it.”
 “What sleeping stuff?” asked Hamton.
 “Would you believe me that if I said this popcorn has magic powder on it to make unconscious?” asked the British Pig.
 Hamton gave a long hard thought about and said, “Yes.”
 “Okay, this makes this mission a lot easier,” said the British Pig. “Well, the Tough Girls gave you this popcorn with this popcorn with this sleeping powder because they want to take you.”
 “Want me for what?” asked Hamton.
 “Want you because you’re so handsome,” said Goldfeather’s voice.
 “Useful,” said Odd-Blob’s voice.
 The pigs turned around to see the Tough Girls walking to them.
 “Yeah, our employer thinks you’re the right pig to help her,” said Snarls.
 “And she will pay you plenty of money,” said Odd-blob.
 “I thought the reward was d – ” Goldfeather’s beak was grabbed by Snarls’s strong paw.  
 “Come with me,” said the British pig, holding her hand.
 “Don’t listen to her,” said Odd-Blob. “We’ll take good care of you.”
 Hamton was so confused. He didn’t know who were the good girls and the bad ones.
 “Quick!” yelled Snarls. “Grab him!” Growling with her sharp golden teeth, she led the Tough Girls to seize Hamton.
“J.A.N.Y.I.S.,” said the British pig. “Cut off all the power.”
 “Right away, ma’am,” said a female robotic voice.
 The Tough Girls ran for Hamton, but soon darkness took over them. The only things that could be seen were the five set of eyes.
 “Quick!” yelled Snarls. “After him!”
 The eyes started to move around the whole place.
 “I gotcha!” cried Goldfeather’s voice.
 “Get your dusty feathers of my face before I eat you!” yelled Snarls’s voice.
 “Oh, sorry,” said Goldfeather’s voice.
 “I have you now!” yelled Odd-Blob’s voice.
 “This is the thickest net I’ve even seen,” said Goldfeather’s voice.
 “That’s because, Goldfeather, it’s not a net, it’s a – ”
 Then the lights were back on. Odd-Blob saw that her bag was moving. She opened it and out shot Goldfeather.
 “What are you doing in my bag?” demanded Odd-Blob.
 “What is your bag doing to me?” Goldfeather demanded back.
 “Guys, shut up!” snapped Snarls. She put her paw next to her ear.
 The Tough Girls heard something in the air.
 “Whoa!” cried a voice that sounded like Hamton.
 “Shh!” cried a voice that sounded like the British pig’s voice.
 Odd-Blob followed the sound. “I believe it’s coming from here.” She was pointing to the trash chute.
 “Well, don’t just stand there,” said Snarls. “Let’s go and find them!”

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