Rouge Toons

In this action comedy spoofing James Bond, Iron Man, Game of Thrones and 'Frozen (2013) among others, Hamton J. Pig, Rita and Runt must team with a beautiful yet mysterious pig in order to save their co-stars and the world from an evil magic...

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14. The Ringleader

“Oh, my head feels like it’s getting hit by a thousand hammers,” groaned Rond as she woke up and slowly got up, feeling the back of her head. 
   “Are you okay?” asked a female voice.
   Rond quickly jumped up and turned around to see who was talking to her. She got out a torch and shone her light on… She was very surprised to see who she shining the light on.
   “Mary Melody?” Rond ran to Mary who, in a ripped blue dress, was neck-chained up to a chain and ball. “Mary, are you all right?” she asked.
   “I’ve been through worse in my life,” said Mary who was not her usual cheerily self.
   “Who did this to you?” Rond asked. “Who else is in here?”
   Then she heard a weak meow. She turned and shone her torch on…
   “Furrball?”
   The blue cat was neck-chained to the chain and ball, too. He was looking unhappier than he normally was.
   A weak sniffle made Rond moved her torch.
   “L’il Sneezer?”
   The baby mouse was shackled to the wall. Apart from his nose being wrapped in blood-soaked bandages, his face was also deeply bruised and heavily scarred. Even his eyes looked like they were cried out a lot.
   Looking at this made Rond already hate the person who did this even though she had yet to meet him or her.
   “Hey, if you have no chains on you, can you get me out of here!”
   Rond turned around to see a brazen bull. She opened it and out flew a piping hot Sweetie the tiny pink canary.
   “Boy, is it hot in there!” she moaned as she cooled down on the floor. “I’m going to go to Alaska or Iceland for my summer vacation.”
   “But how did you guys in here in the first place?” asked Rond.
   “We weren’t good enough,” said Mary.
   “What do you mean, you guys weren’t good enough?” Rond asked.
   “This girl took our friends and turned them to her side,” Mary explained. “But we weren’t good enough for her army, so she made us her prisoners. We couldn’t even be slaves.”
   “Huh, I’m sure not even a slave,” moaned Sneezer. “I sure am not.”
   “Whoever she is,” said Rond, as she walked to Sneezer, “why did she do this to you?”
   “She thought I was about to sneeze,” said Sneezer, who was not his usual chatty self. “So she struck me with her dark magic powers.”
   “Dark magic powers?” Rond cried out. Then she gave a big frown. “Right, we’re getting out of here.”
   “How?” asked Sweetie. “We’re trapped in here, I’m too hot to fly – ”
   “I don’t think you’re that attractive, to be honest with you,” said Rond.
   Sweetie frowned at her. “Very funny. You come in here with nothing to even break us out of here.”
   “Oh, really?” Rond said. She got out something and planted it on the door.
   The prisoners saw what on the door was a…
   “A bookmark?” asked Mary.
   BOOM!
   “An exploding bookmark,” explained Rond. Then she went over to Mary and put something in her hair.
   “A hair band?” asked Mary, who wasn’t impressed. “Will it explode too?”
   “No,” said Rond. “Trust me, if anything happens to me, this will keep us both safe.”
   “Us both?” said Sweetie. “You’re not freeing us?”
   “I’ll be very quick,” said Rond. “If I don’t get into big trouble, that is.” And, with that, she was gone.
   “Well, how do you like that?” moaned Sweetie.
   “Well, we don’t know what is going on,” said Mary. “She seems to be the one who knows most. I guess we have to trust her.”
   “Always trust the geeky stranger, huh?” moaned Sweetie.
   Furrball meowed in a moaning tone.


“Hamton! Rita! Runt!”
   Even with those three names echoing, Rond didn’t hear a reply as she ran through the dungeon. She shone her torch from cell to cell and found nothing but stones and dust and three shining glass jars. The jars intrigued her.
   Rond squeezed through the bars of the cell and ran to the jars. He picked one up and studied it from the outside. She peered closer in towards the jar and she still thought she was seeing what she saw before: some ghost-like versions of the other Tiny Toon and Animanics characters.
   Rond put the ear on the jar and listened. She even heard their voices. She thought of opening the jars but she didn’t want to in case it might do more harm than good.
   “Jane!” cried Hamton’s voice. “Up here!”
   Rond picked up the jars and put them in her bag before she squeezed out of the cell. Then she ran up the stairs and soon found herself back in the giant throne room. Then she found Hamton, Rita and Runt.
   “You guys okay?” asked Rond.
   “Have a few bruises but otherwise fine,” said Rita.
   “How did you guys get back up here?”
   “You’re not going to believe this!” cried Hamton. “We met a new spy and she got us out us of our cell.”
   “Hello, Jane.”
   Rond looked shocked as she saw who came from the nearest stone-brick column. “Joanna Bayboy, how do you do?” Rond said in an unfriendly tone of voice.
   “I told you guys she’d be surprised,” said Joanna. She was wearing a brown outfit.
   “Did you know that the teen idol Joanna Bayboy was a secret agent?” Hamton cried out excitedly.
   “I’m the one who knows her the best,” said a frowning Rond.
   “Oh, come on, Jane,” said Joanna. “You’re still holding grudges?”
   “A few, Jo,” said Rond. “But you know which one I’m holding onto the most.”
   “Oh, Jane,” said Joanna. “Whatever happened to us? You and I were best friends. We even called ourselves sisters, like Anna and Elsa from Frozen.”
   “Now, our relationship is like Thor and Loki,” muttered Rond.
   “Come on, Jane,” said Joanna, holding her arms out. “Forgive and forget, eh?”
   Rond looked at her suspiciously and then she smiled. “Okay, Jo.”
   She went in to hug the teen idol spy.
   “What is going on?” Hamton whispered to Rita.
   “Just keep watching and we’ll find out,” Rita whispered back.
   Then Jo was laughing. Hamton, Rita and Runt saw that Rond was actually tickling her under her armpits. The teen idol was holding her hands in the air.
   “You see, Jo, all forgiven and forgotten,” Rond chuckled.
   “Okay, Jane, now stop!” Jo laughed.
   Then Hamton, Rita and Rond could have sworn that they all saw purple lightning coming from Jo’s fingers. Rond let go of her and rolled over to her teammates.
   Rita tapped the pig spy’s leg. “Rond, that purple lightning – ”
   “Yes, Rita, it came from Jo,” said Rond.
   Jo’s beautiful face turned red as she glared at Rond. “You’re going to wish you’d never done that to me.”
   “Make me,” said Rond.
   Then she and her teammates were slammed to the wall and trapped in solid purple ice.
   “I still don’t regret it,” Rond called back to Jo.
   “Is she the evil ruler of these lands?” asked Hamton.
   “Yes,” said Rond. “In fact, you could call her the Perfecto Elsa. Or the Perfecto Daenerys.”
   “But why is she doing this?” asked Rita.
   “She may look human, but she is in fact the last member of a prehistoric series called the Teenagers of the Forest,” explained Rond.
   Hamton chuckled. Everyone looked at him and he stopped. “Sorry,” he said. “it’s just that she reminds me more of Joffrey and Theon Gregjoy more than the Children of the Forest.”
   “With also a hint of the James Bond villain, Alec Trevelyan,” said Rond. “Anyway, these Teenagers of the Forest were the creators of this magic and they were using it for good.”
   “So why are we destroying them if the magic is good, then?” asked Rita.
   “Because of her,” explained Rond, nodding to Jo. The prisoners were watching the evil mistress firing purple lightning on her tracksuit which was now turning into a dress, a white sleeveless one.
   “Why?” asked Hamton.
   “Because,” roared Jo, who walked to them, “my people have worked very hard all their lives to keep this planet and its inhabitants happy and healthy. And what did they get in return? Being wiped out by our cousins, the humans. And am I just going to let my people’s magic just vanish and let the humans ruin the planet? No! I am going to heal this planet…”
   “By wiping out the humans?” asked Runt.
   “Well done, Runt,” smiled Jo. “Ten out of ten.”
   “Thanks,” said Runt.
   “Now, Jane, hand the orbs over,” Jo ordered.
   Rond laughed. “How can I even give them to you when you’ve trapped me in here?”
Jo lowered her arms and the ice around Rond started to crack. Soon the ice fell down and Rond was free. She started to move, but she fell down. She turned around to see her feet were still stuck to ice.
   “You may be able to escape my minions and their friends,” said Jo.
   Rond looked up to see Jo’s evil army – Snarls, Oddblob, Goldfeather, the Perfectos, Montana Max and his robot army, all the Elmyra zombies and the bad Tiny Toons and the Animaniacs – stand behind her. 
   “But you can’t run from your old friend,” Jo finished. “Now, the orbs!”
   “You think I’m going to surrender with your yelling and your angry-looking faces?” Rond chuckled with a smug smile.
   Jo clicked her fingers.
   “And I know you’re not going to hurt Hamton, because you need him for the orbs,” said Rond.
   Hamton felt relived.
   “And you’re not going to hurt the stray cat and dog, because what harm can do they, hmm?” Rond went on.
   Then a brazen bull was slammed in front of her.
   “Let me out!” cried the voice of Sweetie. “If my feathers turn into dust, I will sue every copper coin you have!”
   “Good luck, if you ever get out, that is!” Snarls laughed as she flew a bunch of more logs and coal and even gasoline under the bull. She lit a match and threw it on the stuff. The fire roared up.
   “Well, Jane?” said Jo.
   Rond looked unmoved. “You’re frying a little canary for three orbs? I mean, come on, Jo!”
   “Very well, Brendian,” said Jo. “I’ll play a little longer with you.” She clapped her hands and Goldfeather approached her carrying L’il Sneezer. She was holding him by his battered up head. “Now, give me those orbs or his head will swell up.”
   “Go ahead,” said Rond.
   Everyone was surprised, even Jo. Hamton, Rita and Runt were surprised the most.
   “Jane, what are you doing?” asked Hamton.
   “Oh, come on, Hammy,” said the cocky pig spy. “Even the evillest queen on the planet wouldn’t hurt a baby mouse.”
   Everyone looked at her.
   “Anymore than he is,” said Rond.
   Then Jo fired purple lightning at poor Sneezer’s face. As the lightning swelled the baby mouse’s head up, the evil queen looked at Rond who did not seem to be fussed.
   “You’re only wasting your energy on somebody no one really cares about, not even Hamton,” said Rond.
   “What!” cried Hamton.
   “Quiet!” Rond snapped.
   Jo seized her firing and smiled wickedly. “Take the little brat away, Goldfeather,” she ordered.
   Goldfeather left with the crying Sneezer.
   “Odd-Blob, the smelly creature,” ordered Jo.
   Odd-Blob brought Fifi La Fume to her. Now that got Hamton really worried.
   “Tell Brendian to surrender, Hamton,” said Jo, “or the girl of your dreams will never be able to be let out an odor ever again!”
   “You’ve said ‘Brendian’ twice,” said Rita. “Who is this ‘Brendian’?”
   Jo pointed. “Her!”
   Everyone looked to see she was actually pointing at Rond.
   “Jane Rond is just a name to hide herself from the crime she committed,” explained Jo. “Her real name is Brendian Cannister.”
   “What crimes?” asked Hamton.
   “Why, she’s the pig who ruined my friend Tina Heman’s career by nearly poisoning her,” explained Jo.
   “You know that is not true, Jo!” Rond screamed in anger. “The poison came from you and you yourself put in the drink I was serving to Tina and – ”
   “ENOUGH!” roared Jo, with red lighting sparkling around her finger and point it to Fifi. “Hamton, now or never.”
   “Jane or Brendian, whoever you are, please, let’s just surrender!” Hamton begged.
   “Hamton, that is not the real Fifi La Fume,” said Rond. “Sure, that’s her beautiful body, but inside is an evil spirit. Her real spirit is in my backpack.”
   She opened her backpack and got out all three jars.
   “Let go of those jars, Rond!” yelled Goldfeather.
   Jo held her hand out. “No!”
   “Whatever you say, Goldie,” smiled Rond as she dropped the three jars.
   “NO!” screamed Jo as the white spirits flew out of the broken jars and flew all over the place, looking for their bodies.
   Then Jo and her evil army were shocked when they saw the spirits going into their bodies and coming out was red spirits.
   “Come back!” yelled Jo. “Come back to your queen!” But all she could do was watch in horror and anger as she saw the red spirits leave through the big window. Along with Rond hopping out with them.
   “After her!” Jo ordered.
   Snarls, Odd-Blob and Goldfeather ran and reached for Rond but the clever pig spy jumped out of the window.
   “She’s gone, Your Majesty,” Odd-Blob reported.
   “And I’ve got the orbs with me,” cried Rond’s voice.
   Jo screamed.
   “No, I have them,” said Hamton.
   “Quiet!” snapped Rita.
   Then Jo smiled. She turned to see the heroes stand up and fired them to the wall. They were trapped.
   “Ew!” cried Babs. “What is this slimy stuff?” Then as she saw her hands weren’t her hands. They weren’t even bunny hands. They were duck wings. Green duck wings.
   “What do you think you’re doing?” demanded Plucky’s voice.
   Babs turned around to see Buster’s body standing next to her.
   “What are you doing in my body?” Plucky’s voice demanded. It was coming from Buster Bunny’s body.
   “I’m stuck in your body?” asked Babs. “Who’s in mine?”
   “Now, I can finally ask you,” said Buster’s voice.
   Babs and Plucky turned see Babs’s body standing on their right.
   “Do you like your ears better up or down?” asked Buster’s voice.
   “Buster Bunny, don’t you get any ideas!” Babs warned.
   “What can I do?” asked Buster. “What can anyone do, being trapped in this gooey stuff?”
   Wakko had been trying to eat it.  “Well, it doesn’t taste like jell-o,” he said.
   “That’s because it’s not jell-o,” said Jo, as she approached him. “This is the safety stuff for the show you are to see.”
   “What show?” asked Wakko.
   “Why, the very last show you will see,” said Jo.
   Everyone didn’t like the sound of that.
   “What does he mean?” asked Wakko.
   Jo turned to Hamton, Rita and Runt. “But for you three, it’ll be worst.” She pointed to them and Snarls, Odd-Blob and Goldfeather spilt the ice into three pieces and pulled the prisoners, who was still trapped in the ice, out.
   “How?” asked Rita.
   “As your reward for helping these orbs,” said Jo, “you get to watch your friends die before it’s your turn. Lucky you three.”
   But none of them liked the sound of that.
   “But, at least, tell us how you are going to kill us,” Pesto demanded.
   “Oh, no, said Jo, as she climbed onto the back of the dragon. “I’m not going to bore the readers by letting you guys know!” She pointed up to the sky and fired purple lightning up to the ceiling. Then she stopped. “I’ll let them and you figure it out.
   Then she roared with laughter as the dragon she was on flew out, followed by her entire army of dragons carrying all the Bothers, the Tired Wolves, Snarls, Oddblob, Goldfeather, the Perfectos, Montana Max and his robot army, all the Elmyra zombies and their prisoners: Rita, Runt and Hamton J. Pig.
   “Have a nice death!” Jo roared with laughter as she and her army vanished into thin air.
   The trapped prisoners looked up at the ceiling and saw nothing but purple ic... icles pointing above them.


They kept their eyes peeled opened for a very long time. They waited and waited and…
   “Oh, I’m bored!” snapped Minerva Mink. “Why don’t our deaths just happen?”
   CRACK!
   An icicle nearly caught Dr. Scratchensniff. “You just had to ask,” he moaned.
   More icicles started to crack and fall down.
   The prisoners closed their eyes and ducked, preparing for the worst. Then –
   BLAST!
   Buster opened his eyes. “Everyone, look!” he cried.
   Everyone looked up to see the icicles were still falling but not falling on top of them because a flying metal something was firing at the falling icicles.
   “Who is that?” asked Buster.
   “I think, the question is, ‘What is that?’” said Babs.
   “I don’t who or what it is,” said Plucky, “but it’s got a laser!”
   Everyone saw the laser was firing the icicles. Soon the icicles were blown up and the flying figure landed next to the prisoners. It was a fully-metal red suit iron suit with a golden mask on it. “Everything’s all right,” said the flying pig. Her voice sounded English. “You’re all safe now.”
   “Who are you?” asked Yakko.
   “I’m Iron Pig,” said the Iron Figure. “Now, just hold on and I’ll – ”
   “Stand for your own trial,” said Mersei Tannister. “Seize her.”
   As her brother Slimy and some friends caught the Iron Pig, Mersei addressed the prisoners. “Ladies and gentlemen, I know you have been through a lot but we need your co-operation ASAP.”
   “Co-operation for what?” asked Buster.
   “For the trial of one…”
   Slimy took the helmet of Iron Pig.
   “Jane Rond?” cried Mary.
   “Or Brendian Cannister!” said Mersei. “As that’s her real name.”
   Everyone looked at the pig spy. “Well, that tracking hair band on your head worked, Mary,” was all she could say.

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