Rouge Toons

In this action comedy spoofing James Bond, Iron Man, Game of Thrones and 'Frozen (2013) among others, Hamton J. Pig, Rita and Runt must team with a beautiful yet mysterious pig in order to save their co-stars and the world from an evil magic...

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17. Plane Robbery

It had been two hours since he and Iron Pig jumped out of Giant Nellie and Tar Machine was still flying up and down out of control.
   “Oh, get a grip, Tar Machine,” said Iron Pig. “I’m feeling airsick enough without seeing you fly up and down out of control.”
   “You’re feeling airsick?” cried Tar Machine. “My suit is full of – ”
   “I really don’t want to know.”
   BUMP!
   Tar Machine soon stopped in front of a giant cloud.
   “Ah, think you’ve the hang of it now?” asked Iron Pig.
   “No, I bumped into something,” said Tar Machine.
   Iron Pig joined him. She put her hand into the giant and saw that Tar Machine was right. She could feel something metal and it was moving. She pulled Tar Machine away and they saw coming out from the cloud was a giant grey aeroplane.
   In her suit, Rond was using her screen eyes of the helmet to scan the plane. “Ah, ha!” she cried. “I can see Jo, her army and our friends on that plane.”
   “Good,” said Tar Machine. “So, what’s the plan?”
   “This…” And she put her hand over Tar Machine’s left ear.
   “You know there’s no need to whisper, Iron Pig,” he said. “I’m the only one who can hear you out, right?”
   “Well, no,” said Rond. “We don’t want to ruin the surprises for the readers reading this.”
   “Oh…”

Hamton, Rita and Runt were depressed. Not only did the heavy manacles trap them on the wall in the lounge of Jo’s private plane, but they made them watch Jo and her evil army dancing and celebrating their victory with Queen’s Don’t Stop Me Now playing very loudly.
   Monty approached them. “Ha ha!” he laughed. “You poor creatures thought you could outsmart the rich, did you? Well, newsflash: You didn’t!” Then he went off laughing.
   “Do you think that’s gonna crush us?” said Rita. “Well, think again! Nothing can!”
   Then a shadow took over them.
   Rita gulped. “Then again…”
   “Oh, I want to hug the cute cat and dog!” Elmyra cried.
   “What about Hamton?” Runt asked.
   “No, he’s too smelly and dirty!” Elmyra moaned.
   “Phew!” Hamton sighed of relief.
   She approached Rita and Runt and the couple closed their eyes as Elmyra opened her arms. But before she could touch them, her arms stopped.
   “My arms are stuck!” she moaned.
   “Sorry, kid,” said Jo, as she approached her. “But the animals are not ready to play yet.”
   “But you promised I could have them – ”
   “When I’m finished with them and I’m still keeping my promise,” said Jo. She snapped her fingers and Elmyra’s arms were free again.
   “If you want to be near animals,” said Jo, “why don’t you go and feed the dragons down below?”
   “Okay,” said Elmyra. Then she quickly went out of the room as if she was chasing one of her unhappy pets.
   “If the dragons can tolerate a powerful being like me,” said Jo, “let’s see if they can cope with an annoying little brat like her.”
   “Oh, what cutey wutey flying dragons!” cried Elmyra.
   Instead of roaring and fire breathing, all Jo could hear was screaming. 
   Roderick and Rhubella Rat were the next to torment the prisoners.
   “Oh, look on the bright side, you three,” said Ruby. “You’re still alive.”
   “While our friends are dead,” moaned Hamton.
   “Thanks to you,” Rita added.
   “Well, if you guys and Brendian surrendered to me,” said Jo, “they would have still been alive. But, no, Brendian had to free them.”
   “At least, they died as themselves instead of being dying as something they’re not,” barked Runt.
   Hamton and Rita looked at him.
   “What?” Runt asked them.
   “That’s a very positive way to look at it, Runt.” Jo grinned evilly. “Let’s hope the rest of the world can look at it that way when they meet their ends.”
   Then she and her friends laughed their heads off. All the prisoners could do was glare at them.
   Jo faced her army. “What are you laughing at?” she demanded.
   They ceased laughing.
   “Get back to work!” Jo roared.
   They immediately ran out of the lounge.
   Jo faced her prisoners again. “We are expected to land in two hours for my ceremony, so save up your energy.” With that, she walked off out of the lounge, leaving the three prisoners alone.
   Hamton sighed. “This is all my fault.”
   “How?” asked Rita.
   “For being born,” replied Hamton. “I’m not good enough for my friends, not for Jane and her team and the only person I’ve been good enough for is a villain.”
   “Really?” said Rita. “If this makes any difference to you, I’ve never been good for anyone at all. Not even for this villain.”
   “But, at least, you are smart and independent,” said Hamton. “And Runt is strong and so pure of heart. What am I?”
   “You are the bravest creature I have ever seen in my life. And I’ve been through many battles and stuff harder than this.”
   Hamton, Rita and Runt turned right to see Iron Pig and Tar Machine standing next to them. They took their helmets off.
   “Jane!” cried Hamton. “You came back?”
   “After being put on a trial for saving your friends,” said Rond.
   “So this is the exciting surprise for the readers, is it?” said Tar Machine. “Just us showing like this without action?”
   “Well, view this as a surprise trick to fool them,” said Rond. She turned to the readers. “Fooled you!”
   Runt growled at Fighter.
   “Easy, Runt,” said Rond. “He’s on our side now.”
   “Since when?” asked Rita, who was as suspicious of Fighter as Runt.
   “When me and him fell out of my trial to rescue you guys,” said Rond.
   They heard a gasp.  They looked ahead to see that had Snarls, Roddy and Ruby saw them.
   “Fighty, free them!” Rond ordered, as she put her helmet back on and marched to the villains.
   “What are you going to do to us, Rond?” Snarls chuckled. “Shine on us?”
   “You took the words right out of my mouth.” Iron Pig pushed her arm out and out of her metal left arm came a mini missile.
   Snarls, Roddy and Ruby screamed and started to run away.
   Iron Pig’s missile fired some yellow stuff at them, trapping them on the wall. They sniffed the stuff.
   “Cheddar?” asked Roddy.
   “Stinking Bishop, to be honest,” said Iron Pig.
   The villains screamed their heads off. More Stinking Bishop was thrown on their lips.
   Iron Pig returned to Tar Machine with the freed Hamton, Rita and Runt, who looked a little bit frizzled. She turned to face Tar Machine.
 “I didn’t know how to use the laser,” he said. “So I let J.A.N.Y.I.S. do it.” 
   “What happened, J.A.N.Y.I.S.?” demanded Iron Pig.
   “Well, I, uhThat is – ”
   “Well, since I don’t have time to listen to your stuttering,” said Iron Pig, “when I ask you again, exactly WHEN I ask you, you’d better give me a satisfactory answer.” Then she turned to the rest of the gang. “Come on, let’s go!”
   “Don’t you want to know if we still have the orbs?” asked Rita.
   “Good point,” said Tar Machine.
   “Which I have,” said Hamton, holding the bag of orbs.
   “Then let’s stop wasting time!” snapped an impatient Iron Pig. “Come on!”
   “You’re welcome for checking the orbs,” muttered Rita, as she and the others followed the iron superhero.


They went into the cargo bay.
   “What do we do now?” asked Hamton.
   “I don’t know,” said Tar Machine.
   Then the cargo doors were opened.
   “We jump down,” said Iron Pig.
   Hamton went to the metal cabinet and opened it. It was as empty as his hungry stomach. “No parachutes,” he said.
   “We don’t need them,” said Iron Pig. “We’ll fall down with style.”
   “Why do I get the feeling I don’t like the sound of that?” said Rita.
   Iron Pig and Tar Machine got into a very clean white Posch.
   “That’s why,” said Rita.
   Then the cargo bay was filled of echoes from the shouting of their enemies.
   “Well, if you want to stay on board and be skinned alive,” said Iron Pig, “good look.”
   As Hamton and Runt got in the back, she started the car and started to reserve.
   Only when she saw the villains coming towards them did Rita quickly turn around and ran for the reserving car. She jumped through the back seat window.
   The car stopped.
   “What are you waiting for, Rond?” asked Rita. “Let’s get down and be over with it!”
   “Oh, we will,” said Iron Pig, leaning her head and left arm out.
   “What are you doing?” asked Tar Machine.
   He got his answer when he saw red lasers being fired near the villains, drawing a line in front of them. Then the lasers stopped.
   “You ran out of laser?” asked Tar Machine.
   “No. I had enough.”
   The villains charged for them, when – CLUNG!
   The Posch still on the ramp was falling down.
   Everyone was screaming their heads off, but only Iron Pig was enjoying it like she was on a rollercoaster. Everyone else looked worried or scared. Hamton especially looked like he was going to throw up.
   “Come on, guys!” cried Iron Pig. “This is awesome!”
   “Yeah, especially when you don’t have seats belts!” screamed Rita.
   “This car does have a seat belt,” said Hamton.
   “Only one,” said Rita. “And thanks for sharing it.”
   “What do you mean?” Then Hamton looked down to see that there was a seatbelt on him.
   “Hey, I can see land,” said Runt, looking down.
   Everyone looked out of the car and saw that Runt was right.
   “Does this car even have a parachute?” asked Hamton.
   “Doesn’t need one,” said Iron Pig. Then she got out and went below the car.
   “What are you doing?” asked Tar Machine.
   “Uh, need a little help?”
   Tar Machine got out and hovered to below the car. He grabbed the right side of the car as Iron Pig had the left side.
   Soon the car was gently put on the ground.
   “Where are we?” asked Tar Machine.
   “We’re in Spain,” said Runt. “Definitely in Spain.”
   “Are you sure?” asked Rita.
   “Looks Spanish to me, too,” said Hamton, as he looked at the town they were at. “Alicante, by the looks of it,” he said.
   “Both Hamton and Runt are right, ma’am,” said J.A.N.Y.I.S.
   “Well, how about that?” said Iron Pig.
   “Incoming!” cried J.A.N.Y.I.S.
   Everyone looked up to see that Joanna Bayboy and her army of evil dragons carrying Monty, the Perfectos, the Weird Wolves and the Bothers flying near them.
   HOOT! HOOT!
   Everyone turned around to see the Tough Girls on motorbikes, with Monty’s robots and Elmyra zombies behind them.
   “Thanks for giving away our stealth capture plan, Goldie!” snapped Snarls.
   “I was only checking my horn worked!” protested Goldfeather.
   “Hamton, head for Calpe,” Iron Pig said, putting him into the driver’s seat. “And try to lose the Tough Girls.”
   “But I don’t have a driving license,” said Hamton.
   “Well, we can’t drive for you and keep the dragons off your back at the same time,” said Iron Pig. “Come on, Fighty.”
   She and Tar Machine flew up.
   Hamton looked at the steering wheel. “I never took a lesson in my life,” he said.
   “Maybe I can help?” suggested J.A.N.Y.I.S.
   “Gee, thanks,” said Hamton.
   “Wait a minute, J.A.N.Y.I.S.,” said Rita. “How are you even speaking to us?”
   “Look under your seat.”
   Hamton looked under Rita’s seat and got out a CD disc.
   “You can talk from a CD, even without being put in the CD player?” said Rita.
   “Yep,” said J.A.N.Y.I.S.
   “That In-G must be really clever,” said Runt. “She must be the biggest genius ever.”
   “Well, if she can cure cancer,” said Rita, “then I’ll admit she’s the biggest genius ever.”
   Then the three toons were harnessed into their car seats.
   “Hold on tight,” said J.A.N.Y.I.S. “This might be a rough ride.”
   “That doesn’t surprise me,” said Rita.
   Then the Posch screeched off.
   “After them!” screamed Snarls, leading the way.


“You dragons together are much faster than one little car, aren’t you?” asked Jo.
   “Yes, Ma’am,” said the Chief Dragon.
   “Then – WHY DOES IT LOOK LIKE THEY’RE GETTING AWAY?” she demanded.
   “Come on, troops,” said the Chief Dragon. “Let’s – ”
   “Freeze before I make you do so.”
   Jo smiled as she made her army halt, with the exception of the wings of the dragons flapping. Iron Pig and Tar Machine flew closer.
  Iron Pig’s helmet automatically took off.
   “Look, Jo,” said Rond. “There doesn’t have to be a war. You and I can find a way for you and your magical friends to live with the humans. We can achieve so much together like we used to do many years ago.”
   Jo didn’t answer. She just gave her an ‘I Don’t Care’ look.
   “Please, Jo. I really missed you. I forgive you for what you did to me and I want to be friends again with you.”
   “Then why were you trying to bring me down?” asked Jo.
   “What?” Rond shook her head.
   “I know you’ve been reading those books about us magical folk,” said Jo. “Why else would you gain knowledge of us if not to destroy us or rule us?”
   Rond did a flip over as she laughed her head off. “You made Tina Heran ill and sent me away just because I thought I was going to rule you?”
   Jo couldn’t help but laugh too. The whole of her army was laughing too.
   “No, I studied you magic folk to help you,” said Rond. “How could I help you if I know nothing of your magic?”
   “Hmm, good point,” said the Chief Bother.
   “But now she knows,” said Margot Mallard, “she could change and one day could try to rule you guys.”
   “What?” cried Rond.
   “Sorry, Brendian,” Jo sighed. “But Margot’s right. I can’t take that chance.”
   Rond’s helmet automatically closed up. “Tar Machine, push your arms out!” she ordered. “J.A.N.Y.I.S., wind blast at 200%!”   
   As Jo raised her hand out, a giant wind blew her and her army away.
   “There I was thinking only a tornado could blow them away,” said Tar Machine.
   “Well, In-G has put a lot of research and effort into this,” said Iron Pig.
   “Rond! Fighter!”
   “Yes, Rita?” said Iron Pig.
   “We really could use some help!” Rita’s voice told them. “We’re at maximum speed and they’re getting closer to us every minute!”
   “All right, we’re coming,” said Iron Pig.
   Iron Pig and Tar Machine flew off.


Hamton, Rita and Runt gulped as the bad guys were gaining on them.
   On their left, they saw Odd-Blob speeding up to them with Monty’s robots standing on the back of her bike like the sheep standing up on Wallace’s bike in A Close Shave.
   The heroes saw the right side had Goldfeather with Elmyra zombies at the back of her bike catching up to them, too.
   “Well, what are you waiting for?” snapped Rita. “Attack, already!”
   “Your wish is my command!”
   The three heroes turned around to see Snarls pulling the roof off and walking on the backseat.
   Runt confronted the tough wolf and snarled at her.
   “Oh, I’m so scared,” Snarls said in a mocking tone. “I’m so sorry I bothered you. Please let me go. I’ll never bother you guys again.”
   Runt’s snarling turned smiling. “Do you mean it?”
   “No, you stupid mutt!” Snarls kicked him to the front passenger seat and moved forward. Then she was thrown down by Rita.
   The tough cat revealed her claws. “You kick him again and – ” She was stopped talking when two strong wolf hands grabbed her neck.
   “You’ll do what?” said Snarls. “What can you even do?” Then she turned to her friends. “Well, don’t just stand there! Get that pork slice!”
   “I don’t see a pork slice,” said Goldfeather.
   “Hamton over there, you morons!” snapped Snarls.
   Everyone learned over and tried to reach for the defenceless pig. Then the car braked and the villains moved forward, crashing into each other.
   The Posch passed the pile of scattered villains.
   Snarls threw Rita to join Runt and charged for Hamton.
   Then – BUMP!
   The back seat was shot up and Snarls with it.
   “J.A.N.Y.I.S.,” said Hamton. “Was that you?”
   “You bet your pork belly it was,” said J.A.N.Y.I.S.
   “Gee, thanks.”
   “Why didn’t you do it before?” asked Rita.
   “Well, if you guys think about it,” said J.A.N.Y.I.S., “I had to do it as a last resort due to the fact that I couldn’t do it again.”
   “Makes sense,” said Runt.
   Then he, Rita and Hamton heard screaming ahead. They looked ahead to see the Posch still speeding through the town of Calpe.
   “Uh, J.A.N.Y.I.S.?” said Rita. “Want to stop? We lost the villains!”
   “As you wish,” said J.A.N.Y.I.S.
   The Posch screeched to the left and finally stopped, but Hamton, Rita and Runt were thrown out and landed on Calpe Beach. Iron Pig and Tar Machine landed next to them.
   “Good job,” said Iron Pig. “Now, all we have to do is hide Hamton and Jo will never be able to perform her ritual.”
   “That hole over there!” cried Runt. He jumped in.
   Hamton looked in. “Looks good to me,” he said as he jumped in.
   “Plenty of shade, too,” said Rita, as she jumped in.
   As Iron Pig and Tar Machine were about to jump in, a glowing purple light stopped them. They saw Hamton, Rita and Runt were in a purple glowing bubble and being pulled up by nothing.
   Iron Pig and Tar Machine looked down in the hole and armed their weapons.
   “I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” said Jo, as she popped of the hole holding her arms out.
   “What if we did, Jo?” asked Iron Pig, who still didn’t lower her arms down.
   “Oh, um – ” Jo looked like she didn’t have an answer.
   “You never were very good at outsmarting me,” boasted Iron Pig.
   “Never?” She aimed her right hand at them and the superheroes dodged a purple blast.
   Tar Machine got back on his feet. “She’s running on the sea!” he cried, pointing to her. “She’s freezing the sea!”
   Iron Pig watched Calpe Sea being frozen by purple ice as Jo ran on it. She saw where she was running to. “She’s heading for the Penon de Ifach!”
   “What?”
   “That mountain over there.” As she pointed, Tar Machine saw the big mountain towering above Jo and her prisoners.
   Iron Pig was groaning.
   “You don’t need to go, do you?” asked Tar Machine.
   “NO! I can’t seem to be able to take off!”
   Tar Machine tried. “I can’t either.”
   “J.A.N.Y.I.S., why can’t we fly?” Iron Pig demanded.
   “Because you and Mr. Fighter are out of fuel,” replied J.A.N.Y.I.S.
   “You are joking, right?” said Iron Pig. “Tell me you are joking, because you are a great joker but this is no time for jokes!”
   “I can assure I am not, Ma’am,” said J.A.N.Y.I.S. “Neither one of you have no fuel to fly.”
   “So how are we going to get to them?” asked Tar Machine.
   “Can you ice skate?” asked Iron Pig.
   “Ice skate?”

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