Rouge Toons

In this action comedy spoofing James Bond, Iron Man, Game of Thrones and 'Frozen (2013) among others, Hamton J. Pig, Rita and Runt must team with a beautiful yet mysterious pig in order to save their co-stars and the world from an evil magic...

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10. Mount Lava-Head

Rita yawned and stretched as she walked down the ramp with her teammates. “It’s seven in the morning, Rond,” she said. “Why do we have to get up at this time of the day?”
   “Well, the sooner we get the last orb,” said Rond, “the sooner we win the war against the villains.”
   “Where are we?” asked Hamton.
   “In the Sahel, in Africa,” Rond told him.
   “Are you sure the last one is here somewhere?” asked Runt.
   “According to J.A.N.Y.I.S., Runt, it’s in that mountain over there,” said Rond, pointing to the closest mountain.
   “Doesn’t so bad,” said Hamton.
   “And it wouldn’t be if it wasn’t actually a volcano.”
   Hamton gasped. “Volcano?”
   “Yep,” said Rond. “Mount Lava-Head is what it’s called.”
   “Have you double checked?” asked Rita.
   “J.A.N.Y.I.S. always triple-checks everything before she reports it to me,” Rond told her.
   “What if it erupts?” asked Hamton.
   “Which is why, Hamton,” said Rond, putting a big green jetpack on her back, “you and I are going to go into the centre of the volcano, grab the orb in case of the slight chance it erupts.”
   “What, me?” Hamton was sure when Rond took him by the arm. “Oh, okay?”
   “What about me and Runt?” asked Rita.
   “I need you guys to guard the two orbs on Big Nellie,” said Rond.
   Rita gave her a hard stare. “But you said back in the Himalayas – ”
   “I can’t always stick to the rules, Rita,” said Rond. “Sometimes you have to make your own decisions as you go along. Now, excuse us.” And, with that, she and Hamton took off for the volcano. 
   “Well, how do you like that?” Rita asked Runt. “She’s meant to be a great leader and yet she confuses us and – ”
   Then she didn’t bother going on as she saw that even though he was not far from her, Runt seemed to be more interesting in sniffing the ground.
   “Fine, don’t bother listening to me,” Rita said annoyed.
   Runt came to her. “I’m sorry, what were you saying?”
   Rita growled. “That’s it! I’ve had enough of this!”
   Runt looked at Rita’s feet and see some little safari ants crawling not far from her. “You’ve had enough of those ants?” he asked. “Can I have some?” Then the dim dog licked them up. Then he found out he didn’t like the taste and spat them out.
   “See? This is exactly my point!” Rita shouted. “I have been trying to find a home with you for many years and all you do is cause so many problems with you chasing cats, not sharing the little food we find, waking everyone up with your barking – ”
   “Well, then, why did you never try to leave me, huh, Rita?” Runt barked back at her.
   “I thought we had shared something together!” snapped Rita. “But now I see that we are just so different from each other that maybe we are just not meant to be together.” She turned away from her, tears coming out of her eyes.
   “Fine, whatever that means,” Runt said, turning away from her.


Rond put Hamton down at the top of the Mount Lava-Head and took off her jetpack.
   “Can you see the orb in the middle, Hammy?” Rond asked, as she opened her jetpack like a backpack.
   Hamton looked down to see the orb standing on a rocky stand in the middle of the pool of rising lava. “Yes, Jane,” he replied.
   He turned to face Rond and was surprised as he saw that she was out of her P.E.E.L.E.D. outfit and in a summer outfit of a green tank top with short blue jeans.
   “Well, it’s going to be very hot down there,” said Rond. “And bright, too.” She indicated her sunglasses.
   “So how are you going to get down there?” asked Hamton. Then a fishing rod was thrown to him. “Will this manage your weight?”
   “Oh, yeah,” said Rond. “Once In-G tried this super-powered fishing rod on a whole pod of stranded whales and threw them into the sea. Together at once with one hook.”
   Then she hooked herself onto the hook and jumped down. Even though she wasn’t heavy, Hamton was struggling to hold the rod steady as he could.
   “Okay, Hamton, hold it steady,” said Rond as she was getting quite close to the lava.
   Hamton looked at the rod. It looked like a normal fishing rod with only a few buttons on it, but he did not which button was which. “Which button?” he asked.
   “The yellow button, quickly!” Rond yelled.
   Hamton quickly pressed the button and his ‘bait’ just stopped a few meters above the lava.
   “Now, hold me steady while I swing to pick up that orb,” said Rond.
   She started swinging across and reached for the orb.
   After a few swings with Hamton barely holding onto the rod, Rond finally managed to catch the Orb. “Got it!” she cried to her fisher-pig.
   Then she noticed the place was rumbling and the lava was rising up. “Hamton, press the grey button, now!” she ordered.
   Hamton pressed. Then he saw Rond still hooked on the hook flying upwards and above him. He saw that she was flying towards the lower ground next to Big Nellie. Then he found himself following her.


Rond and Hamton landed next to Big Nellie.
   Hamton rubbed his hips as he got up. “Did you upgrade this fishing rod yourself?”
   “Did you like it?” she asked.
   He pondered. “Bit rough, but useful in an emergency.”
   Both pigs had to laugh.
   “Where’s Rita and Runt?” asked Hamton.
   Rond saw that he cat and the dog was not outside the plane.
   “Probably tasting the waters or African mangos,” said Rond.
   “Or maybe they’re inside guarding the orbs,” said Hamton, as he and Rond walked up the ramp.
   Then rumbling made them turn around to see the lava exploding.
   “Let’s hope they are,” said Rond. “On board, now!”


“J.A.N.Y.I.S., take off, now!” Rond ordered, once she and Hamton were in the lounge.
   Soon the ship rumbled and it felt like it took off. Then as the pigs headed to the cockpit, the doors slammed closed in front of them. Then all the doors around the lounge slammed shut and the lights were turned off.
   “J.A.N.Y.I.S., what are you doing?” Rond demanded.
   She waited for a reply but nothing came. Then she felt like she was pushed into a chair and strapped in.
   “All right, who are you guys?” asked Rond.
   “I might have guessed,” she said in an unsurprised tone.
   But Hamton, Rita and Runt – who were strapped into chairs as well – were completely shocked, especially Hamton.
   It was his friends! The Tiny Toons! Holding axes, swords, knives and many dangerous weapons. “We’re Tiny, We’re Toony,” they sang. “We’re all a little – ”
   “Evil,” said Rond.
   “Silence!”
   Snarls the wolf entered the lounge with her Perfecto Army, followed by Goldfeather, Elmrya and her zombies and Odd-Blob, Monty and his robot army.
   “You turned Hammy’s friends evil too?” asked Rond.
   “It wasn’t our fault,” said Goldfeather. “Our boss made us do it.”
   “Quiet, Goldy!” snapped Snarls, punching her on the wing.
   “And it was you guys who took over J.A.N.Y.I.S. and had me and my teammates into these chairs?” Rond went on.
   “It’s been fun, Rond,” Snarls smiled, “but now our boss is getting impatient. So just sit back – ”
   “What else is there to do?” said Rita.
   “And relax,” said Snarls.
   “What else is there to do?” Rita repeated.

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