Nothing to regret

An alternate ending to The Fault in Our Stars

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1. Letters

What else? She is so beautiful. You don’t get tired of looking at her. You never worry if she is smarter than you: You know she is. She is funny without ever being mean. I love her. I am so lucky to love her, Van Houten. You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world, old man, but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices. I hope she likes hers.What else? She is so beautiful. You don’t get tired of looking at her. You never worry if she is smarter than you: You know she is. She is funny without ever being mean. I love her. I am so lucky to love her, Van Houten. You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world, old man, but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices. I hope she likes hers.

I do, Augustus.

I do.

I could never regret time I spent with Augustus Waters. 

Before him, my life was a vast emptiness in which strangers passed through. My world was dull, black and white.

Augustus was technicolour. My life was full. He brought out a person inside me I thought died a long time ago. 

I reached into my desk drawer and pulled out a piece of paper.

Dearest Augustus,

I miss you. Like flowers miss the rain. And it hurts. God, I never expected it to hurt as much as it does. Every breath I take no longer has the weight of my cancer to fight but the weight of my grief for you as well. But I have learnt that you cannot experience great love without experiencing great sadness. I can't regret loving you, Gus, and I still love you with a passion that I hope never fades. And I don't want the pain to fade because I am afraid I'll forget what it was like to love you. 

You made the world a bearable place to be and now that you're gone, I feel the weltschmerz. Everything is dimmer, I only see terrible things happening in the world. Its like the light you brought into the world was suddenly sucked out when you left. 

I miss the sound of your heart beat as I rested my head on your chest. 

I will always love you, Gus. 

Your Hazel

I folded the paper and placed it in an envelope and wiped the tears from my face. I then found Gus' favourite passage in An Imperial Affliction and bookmarked it with the letter. 

 

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