This Is Me/ You're Not Alone In This

Feel alone? Feel that most people don't know the true you? Feel that YOU don't know the true you? Check this out and know that I feel things like that as well, you aren't alone.

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1. Me

I make it seem like I want to fall in love. But in reality, I don't believe in love for me. If I eventually did, I would be terrified. Love is my fear. I make it seem like I am boy crazy but I think that that is because I would feel loved, beatuiful, and be myself. I get that with my friends but it doesn't feel that hole in my heart. In reality, I am scared for things like everybody else. I make it seem as if my whole future is planned, like I want to settle down with a husband and have kids, but the truth is that I am scared to grow up. I make it as if I am really happy, positive, and perfectly happy all the time but no. Inside, for the last few months, I have been in cirticle thinking and I don't even know what about. These few months, I have noticed a part of me gone. I don't know the true me at all. Thankfully, I have a while but I still want to know. I am scared. I can't trust many people. I have a wall that people need to break down carefully because what lies underneath it is the truth, the real me, my heart, and many special things. I don't trust many people and I am working on that. I don't trust many guys because of my insecurities. I don't trust many girls for that matter either. I almost never want to even wear a short sleeved shirt without a jacket because of my arms. I don't like to wear shorts because of my legs. I like loose shirts because I feel skinnier with a top that is not skin tight on me. I imagine things about a guy I don't even like dating me because I gives me hope that I might be dating material for a guy. I don't want to be manipulated by someone, I don't want to tell my crush about my fellings for him because I think that he would make fun of me for like someone like him, a popular. I don't want to tell people about my crush because I know that he will never like me back and anything. I am scared and it is hard for me to trust. I do that at lunch and in the hallways. Sometimes, I won't walk with my friends. I feel upset and I have no clue what about. Music is my only escape from my insecurities, from drama, or anything. Imagining things is also an escape for me. I imagine different ways of telling my crush my feelings for him with confidence, without the worry of him not feeling that way because it is my fanasty and I wonder control how he reacted, how I told him, how he started going out, how we would be a power couple at my school, how he would ask me to prom. There are so many imagines because it gives me happiness. I imagine a perfect boyfriend, without fear of being manipulated or tricked on. Things go deeper inside of me than they seem. Awhile ago, I was looking for bathing suits. I tried on one but I couldn't even show it to my mom. I wanted to cry. My thighs looked horrible! I ended up crying in the car after buying zero bathing suit. My mom forced me to tell her  what was up. After that, she made me call my cousin that is like a big sister to me. My cousin helped me a lot. My grade was going on a trip to the Wave Pool at the park. I didn't go in the pool and it was because of that day. I was shopping for a bathing suit for the Wave Pool but melted down. People think that they know what is going on but most don't. I force a smile and laugh at times. Yet most friends know that it is fake or forced.

I don't need pity. I don't need for people to feel sorry. My friends don't need to comment on this.

I wasn't even planning on posting this but I told a friend about how I was writing at lunch and she said to send it to her. I messaged it to her and she told me that I should post it.

I finally decided to publish it. This way you know that you aren't alone. I feel scared, insecure, upset, lonely, and many other feelings. I may not know your exact feeling but I understand that you feel pain. I might know what to say but I will let you cry or talk it out without being judged at all. I am human, too. I will always be here for you. Just send me a message through Movellas or Wattpad and tell what is up. I almost gurantee that I will reply. I may take a little bit but will most certainly reply.

 

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