A War in Which There Are Copious Amounts of Cake and Large Weapons

Who will triumph, Prodigy's DWATILNLTDE or Raven's Dauntless Army? Or possibly Rodrigo.R.R.Goldlight's FISH ARMY? (Nahhhh, not the stupid fish.) In this good-natured battle which is a complete and total joke, you might just find out. This was not based off of anyone else's movella, but rather a series of conversations about which you would know, if you were a part of them. Anyone can read this, however, assuming you do not take it seriously in any way.

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    “Night!” Prodigy shouted, running up to her with a beozar. “Did you eat that cake?”

    “No,” Night replied calmly. “Period.”

    “Oh, that explains why you aren’t running around and yelling about puppies,” Prodigy said.

    “Puppies?” she asked. “Period.”

    Prodigy blushed. “Oh, don’t tell me that I was the only one,” she groaned.

    Night looked at her and burst out laughing.

    “Oh, be quiet or I’ll make you eat this goat stone or whatever,” Prodigy snapped.

    Night straightened. “I think I’ll pass. Period.”

    Prodigy scowled and went to turn away, then hesitated. “Wait, if you didn’t eat the cake, how did you know all those horrible words for it?”

    Night looked at her in confusion. “My large vocabulary? How else? Period.”

    Prodigy rolled her eyes. “How did you know which ones to say?”

    Night simply raised a brow and glided off.

    “Uh,” Prodigy said, blinking quickly. She then shrugged and rejoined Snape.

    “Welcome back, Prodigy,” he said. “I take it you no longer want a puppy?”

    Prodigy tilted her head. “Not as much anyway. I mean, unless you’re up for it?”

    Snape glared at her. She took that to be a “no”.

    “Great Almighty Sir, Commander Snape, Order of Merlin First Class, Savior of the Wizarding World, Creator of the DWATILNLTDE, My Master and Leader, Oh-How-I-Wish-You-Were-My-Father Snape!” Leuconoe said dashing up to them. She glowed a faint blue. “Did I get that title right?” she asked Prodigy out of the corner of her mouth.

    “Yup,” Prodigy grinned. 

    “Say whatever you came to say,” Snape commanded.

    “The dwarves, elves and mythical creatures are all allied with us now as well as these random people who materialized from the sky shouting something about a ‘Federation’ and ‘prime directive’. Whatever that means, they’re gonna help us,” Leuconoe said breathlessly. “But the Z.O.R.G. request a meeting.”

    “Now?” Snape demanded. “We were just about to inflict pain and destruction upon our every foe!” He muttered to himself, “Darn, that poetic elf thing is rubbing off.”

    Leuconoe bit her lip. “So that’s a yes?” 

    “Yes to what?”

    “The meeting?” she asked as if Snape was stupid. Which he might very well be.

    “Oh, fine. Can’t you see we’re right about to mobilize?”
    Prodigy looked around. Half of the camp was watching Draco on his throne and the other half was eating Dobby’s cake. Yep, they were ready to mobilize.

    “Be right back, then,” Leuconoe said, rushing off.

    Prodigy looked after her. “She was glowing. Have the twins been shooting spells at people again? Well, it’s better than their reptilian hex, anyway. I’m tired of being licked  by lizards.” Prodigy crossed her arms and looked at Snape, who had been ignoring her. “So what’d you think?”
    “Of?”

    “The other army?”
    “Oh, right,” Snape said. He shrugged. “They’re probably mildly formidable. It’s stupid to have a girl leading it though.”
    Prodigy looked at him blankly. “I’m a girl. Or don’t you realize that?”

    He waved a hand. “Yeah, but you’re not leading it. I am.”

    Prodigy’s jaw dropped. “You didn’t even know where to look to find a beozar!” 

    “Your point?”

    Prodigy shook her head. “What’s wrong with a girl?”

    Snape’s eyebrows shot up. “She says, ‘literally’ in literally every sentence!”

    Prodigy snickered. “How long do you think it’ll be until she says, ‘I literally can’t even’?” 

    Snape burst out laughing.

    “Stop laughing,” Prodigy said, elbowing him. “It ruins your image.”

    “Oh, right,” Snape said, straightening and adopting a stern look.

    “Here they come.”

    A woman in a long cloak came walking forward, scepter in hand. Tiny little machines buzzed in the air around her, circling her head.

    “Heya, what’s u-” Snape began. Prodigy elbowed him in the ribs and he cleared his throat. “Hello. Welcome to the Dark Wizard Army That Is Literally Nothing Like the Death Eaters. I am Great Almighty Sir, Commander Snape, Order of Merlin First Class, Savior of the Wizarding World, Creator of the DWATILNLTDE, Master and Leader, Oh-How-I-Wish-You-Were-My-Father Snape. Nice to meet you,” he said, offering a hand. 

    She looked around appraisingly. “I am the Almighty Z, leader of Z.O.R.G.”

    “Which are...?” Snape asked. 

    “You are ready to make an alliance with a people whose name you do not know?” Zee asked, raising a brow.

    Snape shrugged and glanced over at Prodigy. “Well, yeah. I mean, we’re kind of desperate.”

    “And a little stupid,” Prodigy threw in.

    “Z.O.R.G. stands for Zee’s Outstanding Robot Guys, obviously,” she said with an air of pride. “Though, if you wish to be technical, they are also called the Gazumphianians”

    “I’ll go with Z.O.R.G, I think,” Snape said. Prodigy nodded. “So, er, you wanted to meet?”

    “Yes. In order to ally with you, we will require unlimited amounts of coffee cake, for my robots subsist on coffee and sugar,” Zee said in a tone not to be argued with. “And they would also request permission to kill as many fish as they like, whether for sport or as a fuel source.”

    Snape glanced at Prodigy, who nodded. “Deal.”

    “I’ll get the house elves making your coffee cake right away,” Prodigy offered. “In the meantime, may I direct your gaze to our daily entertainment...” she gestured towards the stage.

    “Who is that? And what is he doing up there?” Zee asked in confusion. 

    “Draco Malfoy. He’s the eye candy of the army.”

    “Ah,” Zee breathed. “I think we will get along just fine.”

    From the corner of her eye, Prodigy saw Wormtail sneaking around as he is wont to do. He inched up behind Zee and reached out a curious finger to one of the little robots hovering around here. Prodigy made an abrupt gesture for him to get away but he just smiled and cupped his hands as if to capture one.

    Prodigy faceSnaped on Snape’s shoulder.

    “Prodigy, I told you, you may NOT faceSnape!”
    “But look!” she said, pointing to Wormtail. 

    Wormtail touched the edge of a robot and was instantly casually incinerated by several  beams of light from the robot. 

    "GAZUMPH!" the robots cried in unison.

    Snape blinked. He then turned to Zee. “Yes, I think we’re going to get along just fine.”

    Voldemort sauntered up out of nowhere. “Your robots just killed one of my former servants.”

    Zee raised a brow. “And?”

    Voldemort offered a hand. “And I’d like to introduce myself. I am Lord Voldemort, but feel free to call me You-Know-Who or He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. The tax is the same.”

    She gave him a quizzical look. “I am the Almighty Z.”

    Voldemort’s eyes widened. “Almighty? Beautiful, just perfect. That stuff sells, I mean, look at me! ‘Lord’ my butt,” he scoffed. He leaned in closer to Zee. “How would you feel about selling me a few of your robots?”
    Zee turned instantly suspicious. “For what purpose?”

    Voldemort said, “I could figure out how they work and find the best way to mass produce and market them. My shopping center chain, Voldemart, is always on the look out for new and innovati-”

    One of the robots shot a laser to sting Voldemort’s butt. "GAZUMPH," came the joint cry.

    “OW!” he yelled, rubbing it resentfully. He looked at Zee, “Is that a ‘no’, then?”
    “Yes!” 

    “Yes?” he asked hopefully.

    “Yes, it is a no!” she clarified. “No! Get out of here, Voldemort.”    

    Voldemort wandered away resentfully. “Still got ten cents out of you,” he muttered.

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This chapter courtesy of I'mNotReadyForThis under the permission and licensing agreement with Voldemart: For All Your Wizarding Needs. Hurry in for their Buy One Get One sale!

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