Lonely wolves

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  • Published: 3 Jun 2014
  • Updated: 3 Jun 2014
  • Status: Complete
I wrote this very quickly, so I apologise for every possibly mistake. I have felt so lonely for so long and now, with the feeling coming back as always every summer, I thought I would write something down. So here it goes.

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1. Babies and wolves

What the hell happened to me? Why is it that no matter what I do it’s never good enough. Who pushed me down so hard, that I know have a hard time standing up? I’ll tell you, it’s the world. This great society we live in can’t do nothing but push us down and then we’ll have to scrape ourselves up from the ground. From time to time somebody will come and help us clean the shattered glass, and sometimes they will leave us to it, just when we are so close to learning to stand again. It’s a procedure, like a baby being born. At first we get teeths, and it hurts, and then we need to learn how to stand on our own. Then we need to learn to walk and walking is the toughest part. We get help, of course, but sometimes the help just isn't close enough to pick us up when we fall. And then we have to make our way into the big world. Become a person, create ourselves. And that is the toughest part, because once you've created yourself you can’t just turn and walk away, trying to create a new person, who will fit better into the world you were placed in. And then we start to lose our teeths. It hurts and we cry like hell because we have never felt pain like that. Sometimes it takes time before we lose another tooth, and sometimes it happens with almost no time between, which is a lot harder on some people than other. I myself lost four teeths in a small matter of time, where I wasn't sure how to stand and I had people who helped me to re-learn it again, but then when I fell I had nobody to pick me up and I lost all my confidence. I was nothing. I felt like nothing. All the years I spent creating a person I didn't wanted to be was something I hated with all my might and I wanted to kill that person. If I wasn't able to create a new me, I could at least kill the old me, and that’s have been my thoughts through four years now. How can we live like this? How does some people go through all those studies without ever feeling anything of what some of us have felt for what feels like forever? How can it be that the feelings doesn't spread, but that somebody has to feel it all and another somebody has to feel nothing at all?

I have felt everything and I am sure of that and I am aware that the next time I feel anything at all it will be too much for me to bare. I am a marshmallow, who have been squashed and tossed, burned and eaten, but I am still this fluffy white things inside, even though everything else is shattered. Now I just hope that someone will take everything away, show me and everyone else what is left inside of me, before I become rotten and somebody throws me out.

It’s funny that I have so many things in my room that remind me of my worst times, of those tooth's who only left me scarred, but I can’t throw them away. They remind me and even though I hate feeling the pain, I know that the next time I grow a new tooth I will be reminded that it will fall someday and that if I really wants this tooth to grow, I need to make sure that it doesn't break something or ruins my mouth while it grows. I don’t like to be reminded about anything at all very much, but the thought that it will someday help me move on keeps me from getting rid of it. And I know deep down, that I will feel the pain even less when those things disappear from my reach.

Or maybe I want to feel this way. Because without the pain, without the memories, then what am I? I will become nothing, my mask will disappear, and right now the mask is the only thing I have to cling on to. When I am alone I am so vulnerable that I have trouble breathing and the only thing I want to do is crawl into my bed, fall asleep and never wake up again. But when I am in school it’s a mechanism. They see me like they person I have built myself up to be, but even though I fight not to be that person, I can’t escape. It’s a trap. Life is a trap and the only thing we really need to learn is how to avoid it. Oh, how I wish someone would have taught us that as we grew up.

The pain disappear at some point. Some of it at least. Maybe we hold onto some of it just to feel or maybe it is just something that we can never really let go of, because when it’s been a part of us for so long it can’t just go away and become nothing like we want to be. And God, why is so many people feeling this way? Why have so many people stopped believing, me too, when believe is exactly what this world needs? A greater power from the up above that somehow will prevent us from becoming nothing and let us have faith and hope that we will never be nothing. What happened to this world around us? We walk around in the streets, looking up at the sky and wondering, how did it become this blue, but all we really care about are the skies. We don’t care what happens to the rest of the world, but we only care about one thing, and no matter what we try to tell people, or even try to convince ourselves, we know deep down in our hearts that the one person we truly care about are ourselves.

I only want to feel the dark. Because the dark brings so little emotions with it. There is no need to strain our eyes when we look into the sky and there is no need to even move. It doesn’t matter if we just lay there motionless, the world won’t even notice. And when the light comes it burns on our skin and it spins in our heads, and we need to move and we need to smile and pretend like we can’t feel the pain inside us.

We isolate ourselves from the world, because we think that is what we want, but deep down something roar and screams in us, that nobody really wants that, no matter how down they are. And then we turn away from the roars and think that it's what they want, so they don't have to ever be near you again and you will never feel the pain from them crawling all over you. But it will never work and you will never be able to stay away. We always seek people. No matter what kind, because loneliness is the worst kind of boredom there is. And it hurts. You can stand in a crowd that pushes you to get past, and you can feel other people breathe in your neck and tug at your hands, but you will still feel lonely, because you know you don't belong there. Even if they liked you, if you had build up your mask to look like them, to be one of them, and they liked you, it still wouldn't feel right to be with them and you can't deny what you feel. If you turn your back on it, it will explode in your face at some point and give everyone the chance to see what you feel, and you don't want everybody to see it, especially not to give them any new chances or reason to shred you and tear you down. But we have to turn away from them, because we don't belong in that crowd. You need to push your way through it, with your arms held high so that they can't reach you, and you need to tell them to move so you can get past them. And at some point it just becomes easier and the crowd gets thinner. And you will find your own crowd and when you stand in there with you tugging at their hands and breathing down their necks they turn around, they take your hands and you breathe into all their faces instead.  And you feel something you have never felt with those other people.

I am the light protector of dawn.

Why is there any need to be that? Why is there any need for us on the earth? Why is there any need to even exist? The world puts us down, threats us like dirt, spit, tramp and hurt us, and we still try to stand, even though we can hardly move. And we want them to feel like they made us feel, and for feeling that we feel like horrible people, but if they could feel just any of our pain they would break like we haven’t got time to do, because the world keeps talking havoc. And they push us and they push us and they push us over the edge. And when we blame them they all stand together to deny it. And we either flee, seek our own kind, or simply just doesn't do anything at all. And they can’t understand. We always think that no one understands, but it is simply our mind trying to keep us the way they made us; lonely. We are nothing but lonely wolves standing on the rocks and looking out into the amount of people who mislead us, judged us, who once savoured our shadows, but now don’t give a damn about us, who, after having treated us like dirt, now only see us a that. And we stand tall, knowing that we can do better, that it’s them who have gone wrong, but when they start wrecking the rocks and steal it like they once stole our self esteem, and we also start losing our confidence, thinking that it can only be our fault. If we are lucky we find someone just like us; a lonely wolf, standing there waiting for somebody to help them climb high enough to stop them bleeding from the fall the have suffered. And when we all meet we find some kind of joy we thought we lost a long time ago. It is not happiness, but something that sniggers like it. And as always, the lonely wolf likes best to be alone, but in company of the right people they are no longer lonely wolves, but something more and not just nothing. They seek each other and if lucky they find another pack of wolves trying to seek each other. And that’s where they can form new paths, let the others keep on tearing on the rocks of your self esteem, even though they have lost their powers to carry the rocks away, but they know better. WE know better. We help each other build high mountains on which we can look down on those who once tortured us without them knowing it, and having a blast, we can laugh out loud and think to us self that we are better than to fall once again. We need to keep on seeking new people, climb so many mountains we can find, and never be lonely wolves again. We just need to seek and seek and seek until we can no longer see the edge of the mountains and so that we are safe and comfortable with our new pack of once-to-be-lonely wolves. And we see a new kind of life to live that we have never looked at before, and we taste the sweet tastes of freedom and never again we need to worry, because we have freed our self with all the strength we could muster and all the forgetting we could do, and in the end that is the only thing that actually matter. Free yourself and then free others. We are not lonely wolves, it’s just our minds creating a world around us, where there are no roads for us to see the exit, so that we think it is impossible for us to be saved, but if we help and if we seek and if we really try, it will work. It will work. It will.

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