Was I Wrong

She's on my mind 24/7 loosing her was the hardest thing I could've ever done, I had no choice. - Niall Horan


8. Room To Breath


I woke up with to the same position I was in last night with Niall clinging onto me.

I instantly pushed his arm off and got out of the bunks quickly.

Why do I always do this to myself, I have a constant war going on in my head.

I hate Niall but yet my head says I don't. It gets a little harder to breath or to think.

Everything around me becomes harder.

I'm so tempted to get my cigarettes out and smoke them all, just to take my mind off something for a minute.

I went into the tiny bathroom quietly, and looked at myself in the mirror.

All I see is nothing, nothing but a weak person.

I began to brush my teeth. I looked down at my chest, I almost forgot about the heart monitor.

It beeped sometimes but not really, it was calm.

The doc told me that if it ever began to beep constantly to call the hospital. I get it off in 2 weeks apparently.

I looked at the medication on the right side of the tank.

The pills were gigantic, I had about 4 weeks worth and than I don't have to take it unless my heart acts up again.

I took a quick shower and changed into clothes I had already planned sitting on the shelf, for today.

I was wearing black yoga pants and the brand PINK's loose blue muscle tee.

Considering I was cold I should've worn my hoodie, but I felt hot.

I didn't bother to put any make up on, I wore my hair down in its natural disaster form.

I'm surprised it wasn't staticky.

I slipped on my glasses, and yeah.

Today feels like a legit lazy day.

Walking toward the front of the bus, it felt empty. The bus driver (Henry) was driving with his ear plugs in again, but was drinking a huge thing of coffee.

I brewed a new batch, and drank so coffee myself.

I sat on the couch curled up looking outside the window, it wasn't raining but it looked cold. The clouds hung low.

It was grey outside.

I began to think back to last night.

What in the hell is wrong with me I'm wrestling with Niall, and I slept with him on the same bed.

Why do I not hate him, why do I not reject him? Aren't I supposed to hate him for breaking my heart.

My head and heart obviously want two different things.

To not love Niall - head

To love Niall - heart

But my heart is stupid, my heart can't decide things.

I cannot choose Niall just cause the heart says so the heart has no logic, like if I were to get him back my mind would come up with many theories. My heart wouldn't tell me shit.

But his words are echoing in my head

"I love you"

Obviously he was dreaming, but whom does he love.

Whom was he thinking about.

Makes me more curious.

I should distance myself but that can't happen when I have to work with him.

And he acts as if nothing has happened between us, like what the hell is that.

The hospital, last night, him watching me.

It's almost as if we're back to square one.

I'm so confused at where we stand.

It's hard to hate him as well, when he acts like him old self with me again, but let's say if I were to forgive him, things would just repeat again, and someone is going to get fucking hurt, again.

I took a sip of my coffee.

Getting up I saw my phone light up from the counter.

I picked it up, it was 7 in the morning on the dot.

My mother was trying to call.

Calling her back she must be worried usually I text or call her about everything that's happened to me.

But lately I haven't, because I don't want her to worry about me, like the heart attack she's clueless about, and Niall she knows but she thinks that we're friends.

It started to ring a few times then she answered.

"Hello darling!" Her soft voice spoke, I've missed her voice.

"Hey! Sorry I've been umm busy." I said

"Well I miss you! Come visit me as soon as you can love. How are you?" She asked

"I will if work doesn't get in the way. And I'm fine." I said

I leaned on the counter sipping some coffee.

"You don't sound fine? What's eating you?" She said slightly worried.

"Mom I'm fine." I said trying to convince her.

"Hun..." She about to say

"What are you up to?" I interrupted her.

Now that I think about it's almost midnight over there in Colorado, she should be asleep not talking to me.

"Just getting ready to go to bed." She said yawning.

"How's dad?" I asked scratching my neck.

"He's alive isn't he?" She said

"Mom?" I said.

"He's fine just had to get another round of chemo, recently." She said in a small voice.

"I'll come see you guys when I get the chance, I promise. I've gotta go, tell dad I love him, and I love you, and let my little brother and sister now I miss their annoying butts." I said heart broken almost, I'm sad that my dad was affected by cancer, and I couldn't do anything about it.

"Will do, I love you, goodnight." She said yawning and hung up.

I sighed out to myself trying to keep myself from crying, my dad said don't cry for me once, that's when he found out he had cancer, he told me he's going to live and that I shouldn't spend my life worrying about him.

I do still all the time when my mind is clear for a moment.

Taking another sip of my coffee I instantly dropped the thoughts running in my head, I looked toward the front of the bus and Henry looked like he ran out of coffee, I set my down, and grabbed his cup.

"Thank you." He said

"You're welcome." I responded

Pouring coffee into his cup again and adding some sugar and cream.

I put the lid back on and handed him his cup back.

"You're such a sweetheart." Henry said nicely.

"It's not a problem." I said

"Are any of the lads up?" He asked

"Not that I know of." I said going back to my coffee and taking a seat on the couch close to the drivers seat.

"Sleepy boys." He said laughing to himself.

"Yep... So where are we going?" I asked

"Manchester." He said

"How exciting!" I said smiling, I've always wanted to visit Manchester someday.

"Yeah. Well the boys are playing gigantic football stadiums now." He said

That's true I barely noticed how big the stadiums were because I spent my time backstage. Well I've only been to one show so far but how exciting is that for them.

"Good morning." Liam said walking to the fridge.

"Morning." I said.

"Rested up?" I asked

"I don't think I'll ever be rested up." He joked

"Probably not." I said.

"Do you have any juice? Or coffee brewed?" He asked.

"I only have coffee and water for now." I said.

"Looks like you need to do some shopping." Liam said smiling and pouring a cup of coffee.

"I guess I do." I said laughing.

"So how close are we to the next stadium?" He asked Henry and then taking a seat next to me.

"Not to far, just 30 minutes left." Henry responded.

"Sweet can't wait." Liam said taking as sip of his coffee.

"Soooo what's the deal with you and Ni?" Liam said out of nowhere.

"What do you mean?" I said my heart suddenly beating harder.

"What I mean is, you guys seem like your really like each other." Liam said trying not to offend me.

"Trust me I don't like him, nor will I ever again." I said

I'm totally lying to myself.

"Like never?" Liam said not convinced.

"Never.." I said trying to convince him and myself.

"Right..." Liam said smiling and taking a sip of his coffee.

"Morning." Harry came in ruffling his hair walking into the kitchen without a shirt.

Exposing his tattoos.

They were beautiful tattoos, I want to get one, someday.

"I really like your tattoos." I said admiring them, not in a sexual way but I just really did like them.

"Oh thank you love." Harry said grabbing a water from the fridge.

He then took a seat on the couch across from us, and kicked his legs up.

"Niall isn't up yet?" Harry said

"Guess not." Liam said.

"How close are we to the stadium?" Harry said taking a sip of his water.

"About 20 minutes" Liam said

"So Aubrey? Niall?" Harry asked, he wanted to know if I liked him.

I finished gulping my coffee, this was getting a bit uncomfortable.

"Umm what about him?" I said playing stupid. Why am I getting bombarded with these questions.

"I think you guys are good for each other to be honest." Harry said.

"Well that's your opinion." I snapped.

"Despite your past with Niall, it seems like you guys can patch it up if you wanted to." Liam suggested.

He has no clue what the hell I've been through,

Let's see a man who hurts a women by words, umm one who doesn't come home for 2 days, one who's running around clubs and drinking while you're at home cleaning, one who told you he didn't love you, and that's that I'm don't want Niall back.

"No thanks." I said finishing off my coffee and rolled my eyes.

"Actually hell no." I said putting my coffee cup in the sink. That's was a little mean but I'm not gonna give into whatever they're trying to do.

"Morning." Niall said making me jump almost, as he walked to the kitchen and purer himself a cup of coffee.

This just got even more awkward.i started to rinse the cup in the sink, as Niall stood next to me pouring his creamer into the cup.

"Thanks for letting me use your bunk." Niall said to me.

"Yeah." I said and he gave me a confused look, as I started to walk toward the papers on the table of the bus.

I knew I shouldn't have slept in the same bed as him, I need to get my head straight.

"We are here." Henry said pulling up to the arena.

"Wow look at all those girls." Harry said.

I put the papers in the folder and watched them as the bus pulled slowly.

Girls were running in the grass area to keep up, the waved and some held a sign.

They started to yell, we couldn't make out what they were saying.

"Let's hear them loud and clear." Niall said smiling bright.

"Let's do it." Harry said.

Liam, Niall, and Harry opened a window.

And put there hands out to wave at them, they started to go nuts.

"Niall!!! Harry!!!! Liam!!!!!" Was all I kept hearing and Harry stuck his head out the window.

And stuck his tongue out and pulled his head back in.

The bus pulled behind gates and parked in a lane, some of the buses were all here but not all of them.

Zayn and Louis bus followed in after ours.

"Well let's go greet our fans." Liam said.

I felt almost left out but I didn't mind.

"Are you coming?" Harry said

"Me?" I said.

"Who else?" He smiled and put a hand out to help me up from my seat.

I followed him out of the bus and all the boys even the 5sos lads stood a few feet back from the gates, it was like we were rare tigers at the zoo and the person who wanted to touch us couldn't.

Fans crowded all over the gates.

I was so fascinated. This was absolutely amazing, it almost took my breath away.

"Amazing right?" Niall said standing next me and he started to wave.

I pulled out my phone and took a picture.

As were Harry, Liam, Paul, and Dave.

"Ok let's go inside time to prepare for the show tonight." Dave said smiling.

I followed everyone into the backstage area.

Everyone started to do there own things.

Going into dressing rooms, setting up the stage, preparing the boys outfits. We where playing a huge football stadium.

"Can we go look outside at the stage?" Louis asked Paul.

"Yeah." Paul said.

"Want to come Aubrey?" Niall asked.

"No thanks." I said trying to distance myself a from Niall.

We still need to talk and it's really bugging me.

"Actually yeah." I said and Niall's face lite up.

I got up and walked on the side of Niall.

"We need to talk." I said in a quiet voice so he can only hear me.

He nodded his head. I knew he started to get anxious because he was chewing on his nails.

Once we reached the stairs of the stage we all climbed up on the stage, it was so gigantic..

The stage had a long path connected to the main part of the stage that reached out to the middle of the arena almost.

It was wet from rain, Liam almost slipped.

"You alright?" I asked concerned.

"Yeah." Liam said smiling.

Me and Niall distanced ourselves from the group, we walked all the way to the the edge of the stages path way to the crowd.

I sat down with my legs hanging off, Niall positioned himself like that too.

"This is amazing." I remarked.

"Yeah it really is." Niall said with a small smile, he knew what I was going to bring up I can feel it.

Enough bullshit Aubrey.

"Niall.." I paused for a second

"I cannot keep pretending nothing has happened between us, it's not fair, it really isn't, and it's been eating me alive since I've gotten here..." I spoke

"Listen Aubrey I was stupid." He tried to say.

"Niall that won't fix anything, there must've been a reason for you suddenly leaving me in the dark. When I left you it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life. I loved you, and you didn't I understand that, but why didn't you come home for two day straight, why were you so mean to me, your words hurt me. Made me insecure. Why did you party almost every night on your break from tour, you left me at home, drowning in my head and your words that's burned, you wondered why I started to smoke again, it was you, you've broke my promises so I broke yours. And here we are, acting like nothing ever happened between us, flirting like teenagers, we aren't teenagers anymore Niall." I said sighing, I finally got it out of my head and off my chest, I waiting to say something for so long, I could use a smoke.

"Aubrey I cannot tell you why, I want to so so bad, but I can't, I thought you'd fall out of love with me so it'd be easier for me to let you go." Niall said staring down at his feet his voice trembling.

"Why did you want to let me go!" I asked hurt

"I had too." Was all he said I was starting to get mad.

"Niall there's a reason for everything! And you can't tell me your reason for wanting to let me go!" I said a little louder

"I love you Aubrey I had to let you go before something terrible happened." Niall said staring me in the eyes.

"That doesn't cut it Niall, until you're ready to tell me why I don't want to speak to you unless it's about the album. It really tears me apart, and to think I still could've loved you, I can't do this anymore Niall, this game we're playing, stop hurting me." I yelled almost and stood up.

I felt a tear fall from my cheek, I didn't realize I was crying.

As I stormed passed Liam he gave me a sad look, I looked away right away I didn't want anyone to see me this way.

I wiped the tears falling from eyes but more and more tears kept building up.

I was so hurt that he couldn't tell me why he wanted to let me go why is it so hard for him.

I stormed to the outside gated area where the buses were.

I dug into my suit case, I tore off my heart monitor since it was just tape holding It on. I threw at the wall and took out a pack of cigarettes I opened it and took two out and stuck my lighter into my tan trench coat.

I put my hair into a messy bun with hairs straying out.

I put my phone into my other pocket.

I changed into my black converse and decided to wear my leggings and the muscle tee I still had on.

I was so pissed well maybe not pissed but hurt, rebroken, I had mixed emotions I guess.

I stood outside the bus and light the cigarette, fans were watching me, I almost forgot about them.

I inhaled the smoke, the taste felt so good in my lungs, it almost made my mouth watery for some more. Hello old friend I thought to myself.

I puffed out smoke into the cold humid air.

I watched as the fans all talked to each other and some chanted 1D.

I heard some hollering at me asking me questions.

"Where are the lads?" One red hair demanded almost.

I puffed out smoke.

"Inside." I responded, but she couldn't hear me.

"Inside." I repeated louder.

"Is it possible for you to go get them." A girl with blonde hair asked.

"Sorry love there isn't." I said loudly and inhaled the cigarette.

And they stopped talking to me.

I heard the doors open from the stadium. At this point I didn't care whom it was.

I exhaled the smoke.

I suddenly heard Liam, Zayn, and Niall.

Girls started freaking out as they turned the corner. I had my back to them I inhaled smoke, suddenly shaking at how cold I was.

"Aubrey what are you doing out here all alone?" Liam asked concerned.

I was trying to hold back the smoke but it started to burn my lungs, I exhaled it out as it evaporated into the air, causing the cold air to consent with the smoke.

I coughed a little.

"What the hell are you doing!" Niall suddenly said.

"Non of your god damn business." I snapped

"Aubrey I highly think you should out that out before we have to pay another visit to the Emergancy room." Liam said and Zayn agreeing.

"Who cares." I said coldly.

"Your mother cares, your whole damn family cares, the team cares, I fucking care. Now give it to me now." Niall said mad almost.

"That's the thing you don't care, and don't you dare use my family like that." I said pissed now.

"Get in the damn bus!" Liam said looking over at the gates, fans were recording this.

I opened the door, and stormed into the bus.

Niall ripped the cigarette out my mouth and put it in the sink.

"Oh fuck you." I said taking out the other cigarette I shoved into my pocket and lite it right away and inhaled from the bud right away, Niall glaring at me.

"You're so fucking stubborn!" Niall yelled his eyebrows furrowing.

"You just don't understand!" I said.

He took the cigarette out of my hands and I gave him a dirty look.

He threw it into the wet sink.

"Understand this, if you smoke again you have a possibility of dying, now think of everyone who gives a damn about you! You father your mother, your younger brother and fucking sister, the people you help record music with, your friends, the lads, FUCKING ME! I fucking care about you.." He started to cry almost

"I give a damn about you because...." He paused eyes watery.

"I NEVER STOPPED LOVING YOU! And if you can't see that I care about you, I don't know what's next.." He spoke sadden now, tear falling from his cheek to the ground.

I was absolutely speechless but this still doesn't dismiss what we were fighting about earlier.

"Stop messing with me you told me yourself you don't love me." I spoke quietly with a tear falling as well from my eye to my hand.

"This isn't a joke! IM IN LOVE WITH YOU AUBREY GRACE SMITH!" He said

I stood up and was going to force myself out of this atmosphere.

"You're full of yourself." I said not wanting to believe him.

I started walking toward the door, when two cold hands turned me to face whom was Niall.

"I love you." He cried and looked into my eyes.

I looked down don't give him pity Aubrey.

"Stop.." I said and slightly backed away from him.


I couldn't take this anymore,

I pulled her in and kissed her deeply, she didn't kiss back, she wanted to I felt it.

I let go of the kiss and she pulled away fast and she walked out of the bus, she was crying now.

"Fuck!" I yelled.

I held my hands to my head.

I turned to Liam and Zayn I almost had forgotten they were here, they witnessed what had just happened.

"Giver her air." Liam said softly and pulled me into a man hug that Zayn joined in.

"Give it time." Zayn said with sorrow in his eyes.

I nodded my head and wiped my eyes.

We walked back to the stage to get ready for the show, my fans need me right now. And I need them more than anything in the world right now at this moment.

I can't believe it.

I'm supposed to be at a very high point in my life right now and her I am crying over a girl who can't open her eyes, well I have to admit that I'm hiding something from her.

We all walked into the dressing room and changed, Louis and Harry immedently came up to me and gave me a pat on the back, then gave me a bro hug.

"Thank you brothers." I said to each of them.

"Ok lads let's get changed we have a show to do!" Lou said fixing Harry's hair.

I changed into skinny jeans and a white shirt. I put on my jacket and my pair of white Jordan's.

We headed for the stage, and bam a bunch of screaming fans started to arouse from where they were standing. I just smiled and waved at them, I wasn't myself on stage tonight.

I usually jump around and yell things and laugh. But I just smiled and sang. During little things I started to cry at how far we've came and because of Aubrey.

"You'll never love yourself

Half as much as I love you

You'll never treat yourself right darling

But I want you too..."

I imagined me tearing those cigarettes out of her hand and mouth, me sitting at the side of her hospital bed, kissing her hand.

Another tear formed from my left eye then it fell from my cheek.

"If I let you know

I'm here for you

Maybe you'll love yourself like I love you


Then I imagined me kissing Aubrey on the bus yelling at her about how much I care and us flirting the other night.

I looked to the crowd, as I strummed the guitar.

Harry sang his part then he yelled "sing it!" He smiled and came to give me a side hug.

"I won't let these little things

Slip out of my mouth

But if it's true

It's you

It's you

They add up to

I'm in love with you

And all your little things" the fans sang, and we sang the last part with them.

Authors note:

Hey guys sorry I've been taking forever to update, I edited the last chapter and stuff, I hope this chapter is good I had to rewrite it a billion times, it was a lot of work took me two days usually it takes me an hour or two. But I cried I really did writing this, I hope you like it! :) poor Niall and Aubrey ;(

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