Things Just Happen

This is a rant book, where I can just put on issues that I come across day by day, which'll help me, but hopefully you too :) x
*Warning* will contain swearing.

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15. Reasons 2

There was one girl I especially was trying to be friends with. She seemed so nice and kind to everyone, and even though she turned me down every day, I still kept believing that she would be the best person I could play with. She would turn me down everyday, lie to me every single time just to avoid me. Of course, it hurt. But I didn't understand friendship then. I was so persistent on being her friend, I woul walk alone along the netball lines on the playground, not daring to go play with someone else in case she decided to include me. Then one day, at the start of lunch time, she asked me if she could play with me.

I was in year 4 then, just about when I started giving myself names. I was so happy. I truly thought that we were going to be best friends, forever and ever. I was wrong. At least three times a term, she would go against me. We had another friend, and they both ganged up on me. Several times. Not abusively, not pushing me around or spreading rumours, they kept accusing me of lying.

Sometimes I would come into school even more sad than usual. It would show on my face, and the two of them would notice. They'd ask me what's wrong, and I would say that it was nothing, because I didn't want to tell anybody or I wanted to forget about it. But those two were very persistent. They'd keep pushing me, but I wouldn't tell them. They'd start saying, "You're lying." Yes, I was lying. I didn't want to tell you. Ever. They'd keep saying that, and I'd keep saying nothing, and then they'd start yelling at me. Telling me that if I was any good friend, I would tell them. That I was lying, I lied to them everytime, what else had I lied about to them. They'd keep throwing comments like that to make me feel like a bad friend for the whole lunch hour. The whole hour. Then they'd walk off like nothing's just happened, and didn't talk to me for three days. It happened often. And all the time they yelled at me, I kept my mouth shut, no matter what I'd wanted to say. I was so scared that I'd lose them as friends, that I never said a word against them. I never, ever told them how much it hurt me. To this day, they don't know that to this day, after they'd gone I'd go to the toilets and cry every lunchtime they didn't talk to me, and cried a little more when I got home. My parents didn't care, they thought it was just a friendship issue. They thought that it would be fine soon. They didn't understand how often it was happening. They didn't understand, that with every one-sided argument I'd come home with five more names labelled to myself, by myself.

There was never an "us" in our friendship. it was always "them". Any game we'd play - the number game, helicopter, catch the snake, anything - it would always be them against me, always coming up with some way to make me look like I lost. I believed them. Every word they said. I was the uncool one, I was the slow one, I was the one who always lost everything. And I kept quiet the whole time, not realising that they weren't being nice to me. I still believed that we were friends.

This carried on for about a year or two. I can't really remember how we drifted apart. Maybe because by then, I'd started having hormonal changes, and instead of keeping calm all the time, I'd bottle it all up and let it all come crashing down at the end of the term. Maybe. But I know it was never their fault. They were only kids, they didn't know it was affecting me. I'd just grown up quicker than them and took things too seriously. Even today, I don't blame them for the way I am, because the truth is that it's my fault. No-one bullied me. I just took those arguments to heart and I bullied myself. By the time I realised that, it was too late to back down. I'd fallen completely into believing those words I called myself, and I still stand by them today. I think it's one thing a lot of people do without realising it - they bully themselves. I bullied myself, and that's the reason why I am the way I am today. Not the girls, not my parents' undeliberate words. Me. I can't change that now, or stop it. But hopefully you can.

But yeah, I guess it's not really that much of a big deal. You're all probably going "She hasn't had any serious issues that we see happening these days, so why does she do this to herself? She has a perfect life, she's probably doing this for attention." Just let me tell you, I'm not doing this for attention. If I was, you would've found out a long, long time ago. And, yes, I haven't really had any serious issues. But being rejected for three years straight, believing in the wrong things, and growing up too quick took its toll on me. It shouldn't have, I don't know why it did, but it happened and I can't go back and change the past. Hopefully I'll make better choices in the future and be more wary, but what's done is done. I've got to learn from my mistakes and move on.

I love you all, no matter what you look like or where you live. Stay strong,

Vach xx 

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