Being Alive

The story is about the experience of a person who is going to die soon. How he sees and realizes things forms the plot of the story

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1. Being Alive

          I didn’t know what time it was. But it was night; the darkest part of the night I suppose. A deadly silence was prevailing everywhere. A few sounds were trying to rule out the silence, but the kingdom of silence remained intact. I looked up. Fan was moving with all its capacity. It seemed as it was trying to come near me as if the claws of a monster was forward to grab me. I was frightened. I wanted to shout with my full force,” Help me! The monster is attacking me. It will kill me! ”. But I didn’t do that because there is no need of shouting. How much I shout, I can’t escape the death which is upon me. The hands of the clock placed on the table was making its ‘Tick,Tick’ sound as if telling me that your time here is reducing every moment in some amount. I am no saint or divine person to know the exact time of my death. But I know this disease is dragging me to the fierce mouth of death. Even doctors couldn’t say how much time I have got. Still I fear death!! Sounds ridiculous!!

       Why I have to die? Why God, the Almighty do this to me? It’s said life is an opportunity given by Him. What’s the value of such an opportunity if it lasts for very short time? I am just 22. In childhood when I used to bow before my parents or elders, they used to give their blessings by stating ‘Long live’. Is this what they meant by long? Or their blessings have no value? I have seen people of age about 80.  But still I have to die! In such a young age? I wanted to rebel against God. He has given me nothing till now. But He wants to take my life away? To end my journey in the world? Why? I want to shout to Him, ”O God, the Merciful! Is this your mercy to me? By taking my life what mercy you are going to do to me? ”.I doubt if He has answers to my questions.

     I have just entered my youth. I have not seen the world clearly yet;forget about doing something for it. I have done nothing good. I don’t know how much time I have got before my last breath. I am weak now. I can’t even do something good for anybody. I can’t even go to Mrinali to tell her,” I am sorry for everything. But I love you. In my last stage also I always think of you. I never wanted to disturb or hurt you. I swear. ”I know she will not listen to me. She will run to her house. I will be standing there waiting for her return. She will not return. I still remember the day when I saw Mrinali for first time at our college. I was just simply attracted to her. I fell in love with her in the first sight. Later I found out that she lived near our residence. So I was very much happy. I wanted to make friends with her, propose my love to her. But alas! Everything do not go as we think, does it? She thought I was trying to disturb her from her career, from her future. She was angry on me. I was very much sad. I am sad now.

    My parents don’t know about Mrinali. I have not told them and also taken care so that they could never know about it. What will happen if they know? They will be ashamed for my deed. They know Mrinali as she lives in our neighborhood. If they know I used to disturb her (as she thinks so), they will feel bad. Their heads will bow down in shame and guilt for me. I have not done anything good so that their head will be raised. They are already ashamed of my deeds and my performance in college. I have not made them proud. I know they don’t love me as they used to. Nobody will love a bad boy. But I don’t want to hurt them again; at least not in this stage. They are here beside my bed in hospital. They are worried for me. Of course they will mourn my death, but at last they will be happy as I will not be there to hurt them, to make them ashamed.

   I remember my days as a child, as a school going boy. Those were very good memories with my friends, parents, relatives. All those happiness and merry making I have had with them will always take a special place in my memory. My parents were very proud of me when I was child. But as I grew up, my deeds made them ashamed. I know they don’t love me like before and I deserve it. My friends will miss me like my parents. But it will last only for few days or weeks. It’s the rule of the world- ‘Forget the dead’. But I will miss them. May be that’s why I fear death so much. I don’t know what I am actually afraid of – being dead or missing being alive? 

    ***                 ***                   ***                  ***                    ***                   ***                       ***

A couple of incidents of this morning changed my mind. This morning a 4-year-old boy died in the hospital and also a baby even before its birth. Then it struck to me. As compared to them I have seen enough of world. I have received enough happiness. The baby who died before his birth, he has not even seen the world with his eyes. He has not been able to feel the love of parents. He has not got the chance of walking in the crowd holding his parents hands. At least I have received this much in my lifetime. I am felling lucky now. So far as I am able to tell someone what was it like, being alive. I am not angry on God now. He has given me a lot of good memories, best time with my loved ones which makes my life valuable. Life is lived in moments. I could get best of my moments due to my parents, relatives, friends and also Mrinali.I know she didn’t understand me. She never tried to understand me. Still because of her I could be able to get the touch of love, the celestial and most valuable thing in the universe. I just want to bow before the Almighty and thank Him for what He has given me and how He helped me realized the value of those. I am now ready to accept what destiny has chosen for me.

    I am feeling weak now. I feel so weak that I am not even able to open my eyes. Though it was day I could see darkness everywhere. Is it time of death? I don’t know how it feels when death comes to you. Some people say it’s painful, very much painful. Some say it brings peace to us. It gives rest to us from the race of the materialized world. I don’t know how I am going to feel. I have not seen any death yet. But I know people cry a lot for their deceased relatives. Same thing is going to happen in my case?? May be not. I was a trouble for them. I made them sad and hurt them many a times. I can’t even think now. I could hear the voices of my parents calling doctor. Then it was totally blank. Am I dead now?!

    No, I was unconscious. I regained my consciousness after some time (I don’t know after how much time). I opened my eyes. My parents were standing near the bed. They looked sad. My mother was facing away from me. I know she is trying to hide her tears from me. My father came and sat on the bed beside me. He placed his hand on my forehead and said,” I am very lucky to have a son like you. I love you. I don’t want to lose you. Just stay with us.” His voice broke. Tears were rolling down his cheeks. This is the first time I saw my father crying. I realized that I was wrong all the time. They still love me as I am their son and they are my parents. They love me even more than what I have even thought of. It was clear as daylight to me. All their anger, their scolding were because of their love and care for me. “Life can be understand backwards”- a great man said. I understood everything. I could see their love for me in their sad faces and eyes.

   Then there came someone else. I couldn’t imagine it might happen. Mrinali came to hospital! Is it real or me hallucinating? But it seemed real. She was sad! I could see her beautiful face weathered by the grief. She came towards me and sat on the chair placed near my bed. She sat for long time (I don’t know it was really long or it seemed long due to her silence). I wanted to hear something from her;at least this much that she has forgiven me. After few minutes she spoke breaking the silence in her sweet and charming voice,” I wish you to be alright again.” This one sentence made me speechless. I couldn’t utter a single word. It’s said that there lies Heaven within man. By the love of my parents, friends and Mrinali my realm of Heaven was opened for me. I don’t fear death now, not at all. Because death can’t conquer their love. But there lies a small wish in a corner of my heart to be alright, to be among them, to enjoy their love which I couldn’t realize till now due to my ignorance, for being alive again.

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