Take Me *Between the Devil and the Deep Blue See Competition version*

*WARNING: Suicidal thoughts*
“I don't want to kill you. I love you.” My face must have reddened again, because he went on a quickly, with a slight note of pleading in his tone. ”I do love you. I have never wanted to kill you. That was my task, yes, and I came here to fulfill it out of duty. It was never my intention. Then while I was waiting for the...right moment, I started to like you. I wasn't willing to do what I was told any more. I won't hurt you.” He sounded so honest, so desperate to convince me and I did want to believe him so so much, but how could I? He'd been lying without difficulty to me for months. But what if he wasn't this time? There's one way to know.
“Then tell me Rylie, who you really are?

Asia has never had an easy life. With her parents assaulting through her childhood and later living in an orphanage, when the last two person who cares for her leave, she decides to commit suicide. However, one of them comes back with a shocking revelation and changes everything


1. My Story

          “Hi y'all! My name's Anastasia, but everybody calls me Sia. I'm seventeen and I live in a foster home since I was twelve.”

          “My so-called parents detested me since I was born and always beat me up, so one day I had enough and ran away. Packed my stuff and dash, I was gone. I didn't get too far though. I got caught by the police during my first night out, sleeping on a bench at a playground. I screamed, shouted and cried at them not to take me back to my parents. I told them how they were to me and eventually persuaded them to find out more about my situation.”

          “My story proved to be true and they arrested my tormentors. I believed that life was over, but then they had me sit into their car. They said they were gonna take me to a better place and everything'll be all right. I was on cloud nine, I was so thrilled in the sight of a happier life. I thought it was finally gonna turn all good. I couldn't have been any wronger. They took me to an orphanage.”              A shiver shook my numb body slightly, though I wasn't sure if it was from the intensifying winter breeze or how I was sinking deeper and deeper in the sticky, cold tar of bad memories. I pulled the battered, who-knows-who-wore-it coat tighter on my stomach at any rate and faced my cell again.

          “I should've seen it coming since I knew I had nobody else, but I was so overwhelmed I just hadn't. Anyway, I knew it wasn't gonna be good nonetheless, in the beginning I was convinced it would be better than living in constant terror. Why, it's shockin' how many times a person can be wrong.”

          “You always hear the rumors about orphanages how children're violent and ruthlessly fight each other, but you'd think it's overdone. I'd thought so, too. But after five years of sheer experience, I can assure you, it's so true, think of the worst you can imagine and multiply it by a zillion. These kids're really truly evil. They could help one another, they know exactly what it's like to have a screwed-up life, but nooo, they will rather lash out all their fear and hate against the world, parents, whatever, on the weakers. It's like a hierarchy...No. There is a hierarchy, a food chain even, and if you're at the bottom...

          “I've always been skinny. Like, bones-about-to-stab-through-skin skinny. Not just because I'm orphan, nobody's ever really starved me, even if we didn't get that much food either. It's in my genes. I was also really short for quite long, however, you'd never guess now with my five feet six. For all this, I was instantly written down as feeble. Fortunately though, because of my dark appearance and rebellious personality I never got to be the weakest link. Still, I was maltreated incessantly and I hated every moment of it. Every moment of my life.”

          “I've always been rejected. By my parents, other kids at the orphanage as well as at school, by the teachers, and educators at the institute, and basically by everybody else. Nobody's ever wanted me. Some other children were adopted. A few of them came back later, but still, at least they got a chance. I never did. Adults visited us with those judgy eyes and inspected the orphans that matched their description of potentials. Even though I did stand among them not once, I was never picked. I'm still wondering what was so foul 'bout me.”

          “I did have a friend once after all. She was new to our school. They'd just moved to Raytown with her family from California the day before. I knew right away as she stepped into the classroom, even before the teacher asked her to introduce herself, from her tanned skin and sun bleached, blonde hair. She was beautiful. And I hated her. She was the perfect chick material, which meant one more bully for me. When I saw her with the cheerleader squad at the cafeteria entrance, my hatred turned into loathe. But when she turned them down and came over to my lonely table, I was so stunned I totally forgot about it. Of course I was suspicious in the beginning. I was waitin' for the moment when the squad puts on the show. But it never came and after a month with her still lingering I started to ease up. What's more, I started feeling happier. It went for such measures, at one point I even stopped cutting and skipping classes. Except when we did it together. She even managed to pull a smile out of me time to time. Finally, I experienced what it's like to be cared for and I won't lie, it was better than I could've ever imagine.”

           “I'm pretty sure you already figured out something changed all the wrong after all. It did. Two months later, a new boy enrolled to us. I've got to admit he was cute, but before you draw the wrong conclusion, no he wasn't my type and neither was I his. He was like all the other jocks that taunted me. However, unlike me, she, as sloppy as it sounds, fell in love for the first sight and wouldn't stop gashing about how handsome he was. How clever he was. What a gentle man he was. For her, sure.”

           “I've always bottled up my feelings so that I wouldn't seem weak. This was a trait that helped me survive in the tough environment, but destroyed me from the inside in the process. I guess, it doesn't really matter now, anyway, so I'll tell ya. It felt piercing to be neglected again, and what was even more killing was that she neglected me for a bully. She loved a guy that tortured me like everybody else. It hurt a lot. But as always, I just endured in silence for weeks, as she was my only friend, the only person who had ever cared about me, and I didn't wanna lose her. In the end though, I couldn't hold it in anymore. It ripped out of me and I poured all my offence and hurt, and fear of returning solitude at her and we fell out like never before."

           “I knew it was my fault, that I was being jealous and I'm not making up excuses, still it's hard not to be when it comes to your only relationship ever. At the end of the day, I decided to apologize though, but by then it was already late evening and I wasn't allowed to go out. I could've snuck out, it wouldn't've been the first time, but I gotta admit, I was procrastinating. I'd never apologized to anybody, at least not from the heart, and I needed time to determine to do it and to figure out how to.”

          “I managed to steel myself during the long night awake after all, and the next day the first thing I did at school was to look for her. But it was too late by then. I'll never forget when she entered the gate with her shiny, new boyfriend, Sam it was. If you attend Raytown High School, you most likely know him. He was the leader of the football team, and has been for two years now the man of the top cheerleader, Kyra Simmons. “If ya watch this, Kyra, I want you to know; I've forgiven you for turning against me and become one of my tormentors. I can somewhat understand you. But you must know that perhaps if you'd stayed, I'd be staying, too. I would, for the only person who cares.”

           “However, this was months ago, almost half a year, and it's a fair question to ask; why now? Why not then? The answer is: Him. A tanned, leaned somebody, who appeared just the next day, and yanked me back when I first was on the brink of suicide. For a little time, at least.”

           “Once again, I was cagey first. I didn't trust him, it was just all too good. But would you blame me for it after everything? Anyway, the feeling dissipated soon as he proved himself to be the best thing in my whole life, the most caring somebody of my miserable existence. He asked me how I was every day, took me to beautiful places to cheer me up and take me out of the dire surroundings, and eventually succeeded in making me laugh even. It was so insanely freeing as if I'd been missing something in my whole life and I finally realized what it was. I'd never laughed before, not even with Kyra, and now I just wanted to laugh all day forever.”

          “It caused a huge jump upwards in my mental health and I broke with all my harmful habits. This time with all of them. I even overcame smoking, the worst of all, 'cause he saw me coughing once from it and told me it was bad for me and asked me to stop. I did. Well, not from one day to another, but I did, he helped and we were proud. I'd have done anything for him. For the only person who actually freakin' cared.”

          “We got closer and closer to each other and the chemistry we both knew we had became full-on love. It wasn't the kind of love most people had, though. It was something infinitely deeper like being one in soul. I could share everything with him and he could share everything with me. Even if it was mostly me who shared. We didn't have to say it out loud, we just felt it and at a point the first kiss happened and our relationship rose to a new level. We spent even more time together, which I hadn't thought would be possible, and which involved me sleeping at his place almost everyday. I'd completely ditched the orphanage and I doubt they even noticed. They never came for me at least and I didn't care any further.”

          “One day we were lying next to each other on the bed. We often did that, just lying and talking, in clothes and on the top of the blankets, yet it felt so intimate, an urge seized me to say something I'd never told anybody. I hesitated, but it refused to leave so in the end I blurted, I love you, and cringed inside madly in fear of his answer. I think I even closed my eyes, but I can't tell for sure. For the next few moments, which seemed years, I was in a dim daze. He sat up and slipped to the edge of the bed and as it dipped under his weight everything lurched to the other side for me, too; everything became, what seemed too sharp.”

          “Way too sharp inside out when I caught a glimpse of his pained expression and the worst pain transfixed my body that I'd had in my life. Worse than any of the whacks. Worse than any rejection and even worse than Kyra's betrayal. Worse then anything. I felt like my heart shattered into wee, stinging pieces and my blood circulate them around my body. I felt it everywhere. I wanted to curl up and get consumed by the growing black hole inside me, and at the same time I wanted to run away from him. At last, in this confusion I stayed where I was.”

          “And this's the point where I'm warning you that what's up next, you won't believe it. I'm not sure if I even believe it despite the fact taht I was there. Maybe I'm just going crazy. I wouldn't be surprised. Then again, it doesn't matter now so here you go.”

          “He stood up and said “I have a confession, too.” He ran a hand through his tousled, maroon hair, a nervous movement, but I was too empty to care. Then he walked farther. In retrospect, I'm pretty positive it was because he expected me to charge him. “I'm a daemon from the upside, what you still know as Heaven” He stated, barely breathing the words so first I was absolutely sure I'd heard it wrong. Then he went on, “I was sent to take your soul.” I think he said something else after that, but I didn't hear it. For I don't know how long I was bemused. My brain completely shut down except from the processing of this revelation. Then another kind of daze seized me. An odd veil that made me feel like I was dreaming, a terrible, devastating nightmare that was, but the veil was leaky and let reality in so that I knew it wasn't just a delirium."

           “Yet, I didn't lunge at him. No, I was too desperate to get as far as I can away from him hence I went for the door, without a word I was out in an instant and never looked back. Only ten blocks later did I realize I had no clue where I was heading. There was no way I was gonna go to the orphanage especially that by then I'd also realized I was crying so even if I wanted to, I couldn't 've. Not, if I wanted to stay intact at least physically. Neither was I gonna go back to him thus in the end I came here. Remember when I told ya at the beginning when I'd fleet I'd slept on a playground bench? This's the playground.”

          I looked around in the snow covered playground as if to introduce it to my viewers. I let my eyes dwell on the rusty, protruding rods of the monkey bars, the one end of the see-saw peeking out and the chute that seemed so grandiose when I last was here, but now was short, almost shorter than me. That was the first time when I was here and after five years, this is the last. The only thing in my life that had never left me, and has been true to me all along. I cleared my throat as I felt something clogged to it, but it refused to leave so I continued with it, my voice coming out raspy and quiet.

          “After Kyra, something irrevocably broke in me, but at the appearance of him it seemed mended temporarily. However, now that he's... gone, too, I'm done. I'm doin' this goodbye video so that I won't be totally forgotten. Everybody that will click on it will know how asshole people can be and maybe you, who watch it, will act differently to others, even if I don't believe in that any more.”

          “Here I've got a tub of Diazepam. I stole it from the school infirmary when I was first thinking about committing suicide and have been carrying ever since then. Just in case. It's amazing how human instincts are, isn't it? As if I knew I'd need it.”

          I rattled the pills in the tub like I had to prove they were in there and removed the cap with steady hands. I was strangely calm in contrast of how upset I'd been just a few minutes ago, but I imagine this is what's like to resign to your death. The sound acceptance of the loss of your own life. Yet, I presumed I should have felt scared. Exasperated. Unsure. But I wasn't. Maybe it was that I'd accepted it months ago or what's more, maybe I'd always known this would happen one day, one way or another.

           I looked down at the small, white pills and they peeked out at me alluring, “Take me, take me, I'll comfort you.” and I didn't resist. I spilled the pills into my fist and jerked my head back when something flashed into my mind. It used to be different. I used to fight. I would fight my parents with the only thing I'd had; my tiny stance. I would fight my tormentors with anything I could use against them; words, in the beginning, then when I'd had enough my swiftness in encounters. I would study fighting moves from books in the school library all afternoon to learn to defend myself and take revenge on them. What's happened to me? When have I changed so much? The tiniest flame of insecurity kindled in me, but the tiredness of hurt still won over. I closed my eyes, head tilted back and lifted my arm with the Diazepam before I could indeed have changed my mind.

          “Sia, don't do this.” I dropped the pills, startled at his voice. Shit.

          “Why?” I asked after a few beats without turning to him, my voice just the right volume, just the right pace, firm and unwavering. I was stunned at where it had come from, because inside I was perfectly the opposite. I was churning and roiling with infinite loss and fury and treason and hurt and pain and pang. I felt so many things at the same time, I felt like exploding. I wanted to shriek, I wanted to hit him, no I wanted to kill him, but I couldn't even see him again, for the same reason why I didn't mention his name in the video. If I did, I'd most likely drop it and go back to him to let him explain. I swear I would despite everything. But then he may break my heart again and I don't want to feel the uncontrollable hollowness or the sharp needles inside me ever again. I'd rather die than going through that once more.

           “Because I love you.” His voice is low and silent, the same when he revealed his secret and at that moment the fury rose up, cresting over all the other feelings, suppressing them.

           “Stop lying.” I screamed at the top of my lungs. The previous layer of calmness had melted away. He screwed it up. He screwed up everything.

           He seemed a little startled at the sudden change in my demeanour and even took a step back, but quickly readjusted his features and looked indifferent again by the time I re-opened my mouth. “You don't. If you did, you'd have never lied to me. You're just like everybody else. You betrayed me. You. Betrayed. Me. More, you wanted to kill me.“I knew I must have looked insane, but I couldn't stop and if fact, I didn't care. The words flooded out of me like a wave of sheer bitter hurt. Then suddenly something clicked. “You know what?” I asked, my voice back to smooth and peaceful. “Kill me. That's what you want. Kill me then. It'll be easier for both of us.”

          “I don't want to kill you. I love you.” My face must have reddened again, because he went on quickly, with a slight note of pleading in his tone. ”I do love you. I have never wanted to kill you. That was my task, yes, and I came here to fulfill it out of duty. It was never my intention. Then while I was waiting for the...right moment, I started to like you. I wasn't willing to do what I had been told any more. I will not hurt you.” He sounded so honest, so desperate to convince me and I did want to believe him so so much, but how could I? He'd been lying without difficulty to me for months. But what if this time he wasn't? There's only one way to know.

           “Then tell me Rylie, who you really are?

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