Wonderstruck

Do you ever just see a beautiful stranger? Not just a stranger that looks nice, but a really beautiful stranger who just captures you with the way they look and the way they act and makes you think about them at 2 am. A beautiful stranger that leaves you wonder struck and makes you somehow want to see them again and be with them forever yet at the same time, make you want to stay away from them so they remain this mysterious beautiful person that's in the world that would never hurt you.
I should have gone with the latter.

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Rosy's point of view

Some days I still think of Ethan.

That other relationship didn't last very long. We got into one fight and it was over. We were together for a few months and then it just ended. In those few months, I never thought of Ethan, ever, but when me and the other guy broke up after one fight, I couldn't help thinking of Ethan and how many times we fought and got over it. We got over it because we loved each other. I guess there just came a time where it got too much and we just let go of each other. 

At the time, it felt like letting go of each other and freeing ourselves but now, almost a year later, I feel like we gave up. I got over it, I moved on, and now I feel stupid for going back to it but I am. I keep listening to Enchanted and thinking about how I felt when we first met, how I felt when we trusted that connection. I keep listening to a new song as well and it says 'this is the worthwhile fight'. It's making me think that with all of our fights, we learned something new, we got better. They were all worthwhile. 

I know I shouldn't go back to it. It's been a year, he's moved on, god knows what he's doing these days. He's forgotten me, I know he has. Because I'd forgotten him. Now I'm finding it hard to believe that I ever forgot him because these days, I'll just remember. I'll remember the time his car broke down in the pouring rain and we wrestled in that puddle and I'll burst out laughing because the memory still feels so real. I'll remember him looking at me sleepily before turning the couch into a bed and my heart will beat just as hard as it always did. I'll remember how he used to look and smell and I'll miss him more than anything. 

I'm in love with him all over again and I have no idea what to do with that. I'm not going to call him, I'm not going to drag him back into this, that's not fair, I'll be glad if he's moved on. But at the same time, I'm not doing it because I hate the fact that he's moved on. What if a girl picks up the phone? What if he tells me he's in love with somebody else? I know that that's probably true but I don't want to be sure about it.

It's been weeks of me loving him endlessly and having no idea what to do with it when I see him. I'm at an open evening for university, I'm still trying to decide where to apply. This was last on my list seeing as this is where Ethan goes but my parents are making me go to any open evening I can. I was kind of hoping not to see him but of course I do and of course it makes me forget why I would ever not want to see him.

He looks just like he always did. I feel my knees go weak. He's right there in front of me. I have missed him so much and now he's right there. All of a sudden, I'm praying he won't see me. This is too much but he catches my eye and goes bright red, ducking his head. I catch my breath. This is all too surreal. 

We avoid each other for the whole night but as we're leaving, I hear that all too familiar voice. That voice that always made me feel so safe and loved. That voice that said everything that made me fall in love with him.

"Rosy!" he calls. He still calls me Rosy. I feel weak. I turn to my parents and tell them I'll catch up and stop walking, slowly turning around.

He rushes up to me, his cheeks red and his t shirt slightly askew from running. He's catching his breath, his eyes running over me. I let my eyes run over him as well. God, he's beautiful. And he was mine and I let that go. I've never regretted anything more. But right now, I can tell that we're still both so in love with each other. I can see it in him from the way he's looking at me and I feel hopeful. 

"Hey." he says, at last.

"Hi." I say, sounding just as breathless as him. 

"I..." he trails off, looking dazed still. "Hi."

I laugh. "Hello."

He laughs too. "How are you?" 

"I'm good thanks." I say. Good isn't the word right now. "How are you?"

"I'm good too." he says, still looking at me with this dazed look on his face like he can't believe it. "Uh, do you want to go and get some coffee? We could go back to mine actually if you want, I've got some microwave rice and tea." he jokes. 

I laugh, remembering all of those nights. I feel light, so happy that he's making jokes about when we were together. Maybe I'm stupid for hoping we could be together again but I'm hoping never the less.

"I'd like that." I smile at him. 

Out of nowhere, we're in his car on our way back to his flat. I trail my hands up and down the dents on the inside of the car door, looking at all the chipped paint on the bonnet.

"I can't believe you haven't gotten rid of this car." I tell him. 

He glances at me, the corners of his mouth turning up. "Why would I? It's got some good memories."

I pause, wondering if I should talk about when we were together or not. I decide to just do it. 

"Remember when it broke down on that country road?" I ask. 

He laughs out loud, his eyes lighting up. "Yes! And I made you get out of the car to help me-"

"And almost killed me, throwing me across the ground." I remind him.

He chuckles. "Yeah. Sorry about that."

"I'll let you off." I grin at him. 

Back in the flat, we sit on the couch and eat rice and drink tea. We chatter mindlessly about schoolwork and how prom was for me and what we've been up to. That last subject leads onto the awkward subject of the boyfriend I had. I tell Ethan all about how we met and what he was like and I don't know why I do. I don't want to, he just keeps asking. I eventually get onto how we broke up over one fight. Ethan laughs a little at this. 

"If you and I had broken up over one fight, we wouldn't have lasted five minutes." 

I smile, nodding and looking down at my mug to avoid eye contact with him. "We had the stupidest fights."

"We did." he agrees. "Remember the one about me saying you were hard work and you getting really, really angry about it?"

I grin, nodding. "Oh god, that was so stupid. What was it I said to you that night that made us laugh?" 

He laughs, remembering. "Oh my god, I left you that douchey little note on the air mattress and then came up to you like 'you're quiet this evening' and you were all 'you're a dickhead this evening'."

We both burst out laughing, remembering it and then he takes my hand out of nowhere. I hold my breath for a moment before holding his hand back and looking at him. All walls are down now. We're both being so completely honest.

"I miss you, Rosy." he murmurs. "I've missed you so much."

"I miss you too." I tell him. 

"Can I be honest with you?" 

"Of course."

"I think we'd be stupid not to try again." he says, glancing at my hands and then looking at me again. "I think before, we were a bit too naive and we didn't understand what we were doing and maybe the timing wasn't quite right. But I am in love with you Rosie, that never stopped. I... I don't want to let that go again. I don't want to let you go again."

I have no idea what to say to that so I just kiss him. He kisses me back and now I feel complete again. For the past year, I haven't quite felt myself and I've taken that as me moving on but that wasn't it. I have to admit that Ethan is part of me and that isn't a bad thing to admit. Some people are meant to be by themselves, some people are meant to belong to themselves, to be their own person completely, whether they fall in love or not. That's just not how it's meant to go for me. I am in love with Ethan and I'm meant to be with him. He's like the other half to me, he's there to be the last part to every thought I can't figure out, the answer every question I don't know the answer to, the little bit of happiness to every time I feel sad. 

"I love you too." I whisper. 

He's where I belong and I have never felt happier to belong somewhere.

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