Do you ever just see a beautiful stranger? Not just a stranger that looks nice, but a really beautiful stranger who just captures you with the way they look and the way they act and makes you think about them at 2 am. A beautiful stranger that leaves you wonder struck and makes you somehow want to see them again and be with them forever yet at the same time, make you want to stay away from them so they remain this mysterious beautiful person that's in the world that would never hurt you.
I should have gone with the latter.


78. 78

Ethan's point of view

It takes me six months to realise that she's really not coming back and even now, I still don't believe it. I keep waiting for her to text me. I texted her at first but she never replied. Even though some part of my mind is trying to move on, I won't let it. I will drop every bit of progress I've made towards moving on from her if she just says something to me. I'll drop everything for her. 


Rosy's point of view

It takes me six months to realise that I'm never going back to him and even now, I find it hard to believe. I spent a long time wishing he'd leave me alone, that he'd stop trying to speak to me. I spent even longer wishing he would once he really did stop. I've made progress though. There's that tiny little glow of moving on somewhere inside me and even though it's only small, I can't bear to let go of it. Not even for Ethan. 

My mum told me to write a letter to him. I have had so many thoughts inside my head that I need to tell him so I let myself be vulnerable again and sit down one night and write every single one of them down. 

Dear Ethan
You being gone has been weird. I know the reason I ended everything is because I couldn't stand waiting for things to go wrong again and in the time where you've been gone, it has sort of been like that. Because of that, I thought so many times that it would just make sense to go back to you but then I realised that this is the last time I have to go through that with you and that was refreshing. 
I feel like this whole time has been a process. It has just been a series of phases that were leading up to the day I feel like I'm free from everything. Not that I ever felt trapped with you, I just felt trapped with my feelings. I don't think that day is today but I think that day might be tomorrow or the next day. I just know it's soon because in this series of phases, I have felt sad, scared, angry, frustrated, happy, refreshed, hopeful, confused- everything. I have felt everything until I've exhausted it. And by that, I don't mean that I don't want to be happy again or even that I don't want to be confused again. I want to feel all of those feelings again but with someone else and I know that hurts to hear because it hurts to say. 
Every one of those feelings happened because I miss you. Missing you was hard and difficult and painful and I hated that you weren't there with me. It was only when you were gone that I realised how much you influenced me. I'm not going to let go of the things you taught me or of the things that you made me do, but it was hard to realise that they were there. My parents got me this huge bed for the new house but I was always curling up right in the corner because I'm used to having to share with you. I say it like it was a chore, it never was. Clearly it never was, because now I can't let go of that even if you aren't here. 
The whole process, this whole time, has been like a story with all those phases I mentioned earlier as chapters. There was the phase where I cried in my room non stop and wouldn't speak to anybody. I even skipped school a few times. Then the next chapter was me acting fairly okay but still really being sad. I'd check my phone and there would be a message from you and I'd ignore it because I couldn't stand to fall back in love with you and I'd cry because I hated the whole situation. Then it was the phase where you didn't send me any messages at all and I cried about that, even though I wouldn't reply anyway. I didn't want you to send messages but I couldn't help but wish you'd send me something anyway. You not sending a message was you moving on and not caring about me anymore and even though I basically asked for it, that hurt so much. That whole phase was me pretending I was okay but never really feeling it. One time we were sat in the garden and Rain came running out with that nerf gun you gave him and he asked when he could see you again and I ran upstairs and cried. After that phase, it was me being frustrated and angry with you. Nicole and I would sit in her room and make fun of you and sing angry songs and just be such girls about it. I feel kind of bad because it wasn't your fault, you were just doing what I told you to do and I think Nicole knows that too, she was just being a good friend.
 Then it was the phase of me really feeling a bit better. I met a guy that I kind of liked and I felt guilty because you, Ethan, are my person and I'm not supposed to like anyone else, especially not somebody so different to you but I did. I do like that guy and it's not going anywhere serious, we're not going to have what you and I had but I like the feeling of moving on. I want to come back to you, I do, but at the same time I don't. I'm excited about what's going to happen with this guy. I'm excited about the fact that he hasn't hurt me yet. I like him a lot. He's not you, E, he'll never ever be you but he's something. You were so much more than something but that faded over however many heartbreaks and I hope you understand that I ended it when I did to stop something so beautiful from turning into nothing. When I say that I want you back, know that I mean it. So many times I thought that missing you was too difficult and that I should just go back to you but I once read that you can miss somebody that you don't want in your life anymore and that's how I feel about you. I miss you E, but some day I'm going to have to just take those happy memories as happy memories rather than taking them as an excuse to go back to you and hurt you again.
I suppose what's hard is that we have to admit we trusted something that we feared wasn't real and that it failed. We're scared that that means it wasn't real but if you think about it, we don't have to be scared. It wouldn't hurt if it wasn't real. I know you're hurting too but if pain is there for anything, it's to remind you of what's real. I'm not angry, E, and I'm not sad, and I'm not disappointed anymore. I might be moving on, but part of me is always going to remain with you. I'm hopeful, not just for me, but for you. You're going to get everything you deserve and it breaks my heart that I won't be there to see it. You're going to fall in love again and I hate the thought of you loving her more than you love me. You are the truest, kindest guy that I'll ever know. You're the best person I will ever love. 
I miss you more than anything.
I love you with everything I have.

I look at the letter, letting the ink merge together while I consider what to do with it all. I blink, my vision clearing again. I glance at the picture of Ethan and I that I haven't been able to let go of yet. I look at his happy eyes, his kind smile, I see every ounce of love he ever had for me in that photo and my heart aches. 

I walk downstairs and place the letter in the fireplace. 

I realise that that heart ache wasn't my heart breaking. Letting go of these thoughts, feeling everything for Ethan, accepting that I have to let go-

However much it will always hurt to admit, letting go of Ethan is slowly putting me back together.

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