Addicted To You

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  • Published: 10 May 2014
  • Updated: 10 May 2014
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I was so guarded, so insecure. But my walls came tumbling down the second you entered the room. [Based on Addicted To You- Avicii.]

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1. I Let Down My Guard

After suffering through the countless years of lies and heartbreak, I swore to myself I would never fall in love again.  If there was a magical cure to bury every last feeling of love inside of me, I would have taken it a long time ago. Shielded from all types of love by my cold and shallow persona, I was so certain that there was nothing that could prevent me from maintaining my content life. Certain I could live a life without falling for the villain in the fairytale. That was until I met you. 

Typical you. You, who takes me into your arms at night, promises me that everything is going to be alright in the morning.  You, who is not only beautiful by your stunning looks, but also by your pure and loving heart. You encourage me to follow mine, to follow all of my hopes and dreams. When my dreams have been shattered into a million pieces, you are the only one who picks them up and tries your best to fit them back together.

The second you entered the room, my walls fell tumbling down. As they did, I was reminded of the blissful feeling of falling in love. My heart beat at an unbelievable rate. My breaths become rapid, my heart feeling weightless. All negative perspectives of life were crushed as you became the very light of my life.

Even when you weren’t around, the sheer image of your captivating figure remained preserved into my mind. You were all I could think about. The way you flipped your golden curls over your shoulder. The way you consistently licked your lips as you typed away at your desk. You didn’t conceal your laugh; a sweet combination of giggles and outbursts of laughter. There was no antidote for my craving. I needed you.

I approached you that bitter cold Tuesday morning at work. You smiled wide when you saw me, and I couldn’t stop myself from smiling back. Your smile has always been contagious. You asked me if I was OK, and I replied with a pathetic nod. Awkward was my middle name; flawless was yours. There was something about the dark blue in your eyes that deemed mesmerizing to me. The silence taking over, you proceeded to ask me if something was wrong. I could feel my cheeks reddening. Realizing that I had pitifully been standing there for the past uncomfortable two minutes, I told you that I needed to borrow your stapler. Said stapler remains on my desk, its neon pink gleam contrasting with my professional office theme. It reminds me of you, of the day where our fingers first touched.

I remember the first time you held my hand. Our very first stroll on the beach. You wore that white and blue striped dress, and that oversized white hat. I admired your fashion taste. You always looked wonderful, no matter what you wore. Months had passed since our first meeting. We had gotten to know each other quite well. You thought I was funny. I thought you were even more beautiful than I did before I got to know you. Your personality shone more than ever before. That was the day you told me your hopes and dreams. Your dream to make it in the media industry, your passion for photography. You took me back to your apartment, and showed me your camera collection for the first time. You were a vintage dork, and still are to this day. I love you for it. 

You then showed me an album of photographs you had taken in the past couple of years. There were pages and pages of famous buildings and landscapes, ranging from New York to China. I envied your travelling lifestyle. You and I have always shared the passion to travel. You told me you would love to go to Paris next. We discussed the wonders of the city. We dreamt of travelling there together. To get away from all those who shunned our dreams. Look at us now, ma chérie.

It was so tempting to kiss you back then. Every single part of me wanted to. Your beauty could not be put into words. The way your eyes lit up when you talked about what you loved most. The way you spoke with your hands, to express your passion further. You were a drug, and every part of you was slowly killing me.

There was no rehab for my addiction. There was no cure for my pain. Every moment I spent with you I had to remain unselfish and resist kissing you. It was difficult. Utter agony wretched my heart when you were around, leaving me completely destroyed when you were gone. My thoughts were immediately sidetracked by simply the concept of you being around. I had to scold myself for being so inconsiderate. You were not mine, after all. You didn’t love me the way I loved you.

At times, I regret to admit, I resented you. I couldn’t comprehend why you didn’t love me back. We were best friends, and we spoke every single day. You did love me, but not in the way I wanted you to. Of course, it wasn’t your fault, I realized. I was filled with so much self-hatred, that the only reassurance I had was to blame you for my faults. Now that it’s off my chest, I hope you understand. And I know that without a doubt you will understand. You are not one to hold grudges. 

The first time you kissed me was so unexpected. We were talking about photography, having a lazy day on the beach, near the shore. The waves gushed, and tickled our bare toes. As you spoke, you must have noticed me absent-mindedly staring at your lips. Since then, you’ve told me that I did that a lot during the first months we met, and that I still do to this day. That Wednesday afternoon, you were wearing your then-new lipstick. I had noticed that it was a new colour, a darker shade of red than usual. I observed as you occasionally licked your lips, as you considered what to say next. 

Your sudden laughter snapped me back to reality. When you wouldn’t say why you were laughing, I assumed  you were laughing at me. I asked what was wrong, but you assured me nothing was wrong, that everything was how it should be. Then, you leaned in close. My heart beat faster and faster in my chest. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t comprehend what was happening. But the moment you pressed those enticing red lips of yours against mine, it was like a fairytale coming to an end. However, the story was far from over. 

Our story still goes on. No matter what part of the world we have landed in, we never stand still for a second. We are always running. Always free. Nothing holds us back. 

I tell you every day that I love you. Those three words get thrown around all of the time, by millions of people. Some mean it, some unfortunately don’t. I want you to know that when I tell you that I love you, I mean it. From the very bottom of my heart, I want you to know that there isn’t a second that goes by where I stop loving you. It is physically impossible for me to stop loving you.

You taught me to love myself for who I am. It was difficult, but your optimism made me feel comfortable in my own skin. I look in the mirror every day, and I feel proud of how happy I am. At first, I forced myself to smile at my reflection. Now, it is routine. Your optimism is one of your best qualities. You have hundreds of positive personality traits, and I could list them all if you wanted me to. Say the word, and your wish is my command. 

I tell you you’re perfect, but you don’t believe me. I ask you why, and you say that we all have flaws. My pessimistic self thought flaws were easy to point out.  Now, I tend to take a look on the bright side before the negativity hits me. But for you, I don’t see any negative qualities whatsoever. There is nothing that could make me think otherwise.

I understand that the past few months have been difficult for you. Your brother was a great man, and he was like the sibling I never had.  But you can’t blame yourself for his passing anymore. I’m not telling you to move on, because I know it’s not as easy as that. 

I suppose this letter was intended to make you reconsider your decisions, since you stopped listening to me face-to-face months ago. The drinking isn’t solving any problems, and deep down, you know that. No matter what happens, I will love you until the day I die. Maybe being reminded of the happier days will make you reconsider your future actions. 

Please, come back to me. I love you so much. 

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