I'm Here To Save Myself

It was just a simple conversation on the rooftop that turned out into something more

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1. I'm Here To Save Myself

Lucas David was planning to go to the rooftop to hang out for a while. The crowd in the cafeteria was making him nauseous. "I'm going for a while," he told his group but no one seemed to hear it. He frowned for a while but shrugged it off. He took his time to get to the rooftop even though the thought of the air whipping past his face was making him excited.

 

Diana Reina was sitting on the edge of the rooftop. She wasn't exactly going to jump off. She liked the idea of watching people without them knowing it. She smiled as she thought of being a creepy stalker. But her smile was instantly changed to a frown. It was a bad day for her. No, a bad life. She moved closer to the edge her legs were dangling in the mid-air. She sighed in dismay. Her life is pathetic. She wanted to jump. This was a life and death decision. She could just end it right away.

"Stop!" Diana heard a deep voice shout. She turned to see Lucas, the guy she was infatuated with. She looked him up and down. He was breathless. "Don't do it, Diana!" He called out. She chuckled. She couldn't believe that he actually knew her name. 
"I'm not that stupid to kill myself in school. In a crowded place. I'd like to do it privately, with no audience." She explained. It was true. She thought of stabbing herself with a kitchen knife or jump on an isolated skyscraper. Lucas seemed to be more disturbed when he heard what Diana said. "Just stop and get down there!" He commanded. Diana's stomach fluttered. He showed concern for her. But it won't last, he'll continue to ignore her. "Nah. I was kidding I won't jump. I'm just here having a great view of the town. You should sit here as well." She tapped the concrete platform that she was sitting at. Lucas took in a deep breath and pulled himself up the platform. "Scared of heights?" Diana asked and she laughed when Lucas' face showed the answer. 
"What are you doing here?" He asked in a whisper. "I like watching people without them knowing it." It was what she always do. She was always invisible to everyone in school. "Mmm, that's sounds like you're stalking someone." He laughed as he got comfortable with Diana. 
"I don't know. It's just what I always do. I am always behind the scenes. Invisible." She said in a soft voice. "Are you sad?" He asked, gently touching her shoulders. "No. Well, technically, I'm always sad. But sad became my happy." She shrugged his hands off. 

The silence between Diana and Lucas was deafening but it was comfortable in some way. No one talked for minutes. The sound of the gushing wind and the rumbling engines of the cars that passed by their school were the only sound. 

"You know, I'm scared of doing what I like." Diana suddenly broke the silence. She didn't know why she was talking. Words and emotion just spilled out of her mouth. "I always wanted to stand up for myself but I am scared that maybe what they were saying was right and I was always wrong." She remembered the day where a lot of people made fun of her because she was fat. She wanted to get fit and joined the track team. She somehow made it to the team but she was making fun of and she quit and continued eating. "Remember when I joined the track team? Everyone was telling me to just quit because I will never be thin. I was born to be fat. My teammates didn't say anything but I know in their heart that they don't want someone like me in their team because I might bring humiliation in the team. Everyone was against me. I wanted to show them that I can be thin. I will lose weight. But I was scared that I will never be fat. I believed them that I will never be good enough for everything. That was the day I became invisible. A living ghost to a lot of people." Tears were streaming down her face and she didn't wipe them away. She let those tears linger around. This was her chance to say what she feels and she won't let it get away. This time would be different. She would take chance and vent to Lucas. This might be her last chance.

"When I told you that I want to die privately, I meant it. I'd rather die painfully than get hurt everyday of my life. I like to just finish this pointless life." She softly said as she looked at Lucas for the first time. His face wasn't showing any emotions but he looked at her as well. His eyes were glistening against the afternoon sun. "What about your parents? I'm sure they will miss you." He suggested like reminding her about her parents would change her mind.

"My parents? Yes, they will be sad for some time but everyone gets over a death. When my grandfather died, my dad was sad for a few weeks but he went back to normal after that," she shrugged, "they will turn their attention to my younger brother. They will cherish him so much because they will be scared that he will be like me. My brother who's probably a delinquent will get the undivided love and attention he always wanted once I am gone."

Lucas was getting uncomfortable. He did not like it when someone talks about their death. His mom died because she killed herself when his dad got married again. He wanted to do everything for someone just so that someone would not take his life, just like what his mom did.

"You know, this is only a phase that everyone goes through. I went through it once when my mom died. I wanted to follow her. Seeing my dad happy with his new wife made me even more upset. That woman should have been my mom. But as you said, everyone gets over a death. I did got over my mom's death but I never forgot her. Maybe this problem of yours will be over unexpectedly." Diana smiled when Lucas finished. She was really thankful that he was here but it was too late she made up her mind. 

Her small trickle of tears became bigger and the ache in her heart was painful especially when Lucas reached for her arm and his fingertips travel around her arm. "You don't cut but why do you keep on thinking about dying?" He softly asked as he took her hand on his lips. Diana's heart almost burst when his lips touched her fragile pale skin. She pulled back her hand. "I don't know why but I still have the hope inside me that everything will be better. Sometimes, I think that this pain is just a nightmare and I will soon wake up and find myself contended with what I have. I don't know what makes the hope alive but it's still there, strong enough to stop me from dying for the past sixteen years." 

Lucas smiled at her answer. "Well, maybe, I can be part of that hope. I will be strong enough to hold you back from jumping." He gave her a hopeful smile and it made Diana's heart crumple. This was more painful than what she just did.

"I'm sorry, Lucas. I guess I can't help but be a coward. I'm so sorry but you were too late. I appreciate you for trying to pull me back up but I was not here to kill myself, I was here to save myself from this horrible life of mine."

Lucas was really confused about what Diana was talking about. He tried to wrap his arms around her but she scooted away from him. He frowned as he heard the loud wail of an ambulance

"Lucas!" He heard Tyler calling his name. He turned around and he was breathless. "Something horrible happened." Tyler panted. He brisk-walked towards Lucas who was going down the platform. He looked at Diana but she was nowhere to be seen. He frowned. That was strange. 

\"What happened, Tyler?" He asked. "Some girl jumped out of the rooftop and we kind of saw you sitting here like you were talking to someone. Wait, are you trying to jump? Who are you talking to?"

"I wasn't going to jump, dude. I was talking to Diana this girl who was also sitting with me." He smiled, hopefully he could see her again the next day.

Tyler's face turned pale. 

"Dude, Diana Reina was the girl who jumped."

"I'm so sorry but you were too late. I appreciate you for trying to pull me back up but I was not here to kill myself, I was here to save myself from this horrible life of mine."

 

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