My child

I lost my child (by adoption), I lost a part of myself and I had to continue. I had no idea where my daughter was and I wasn't the girl who dared to think of her.


4. To go on

Candy flirted, she drank beer and she was all over the pub. I saw her standing and making out with different guys and she wasn't faithful to Niall. I didn't like her anymore and I just wanted to go home. Nevertheless, I stayed and watched. 
"It's so fucking funny that the guys still wants me." rang it out of Candy's lips and she hugged me. "I'm so glad you came."
As always, I just smiled. I swallowed my anger and I didn't chose to tell her the truth. In my view was Candy an exploiter who utilized all. 
"That's okay." 
She laughed and right at it was her phoned ringing. She snorted and tossed it over to me. 
"Talk with Niall, I can't stand him."
"What should I say?" 
She laughed and went off with a guy. 
"I don't care. Tell the idiot the truth?" 


I stood in a corner and answered. 
I heard Nialls voice. 
"So she wont talk to me?" 
I hesitated and looked over at Candy. She stood and made ​​out with a dark guy and she laughed. 
"Well, she's busy!" 
Niall snorted. 
"Amber, you don't have to lie to me. I know about what she does and I know that she wont be home tonight, but I had hoped ..." he paused. I swallowed and I felt like an idiot. What would I say? 
"Maybe you should .." I got out of me and hesitated. "There are other girls?"
He laughed a little weak. He didn't sound happy, but it was a hopeless laughter. 
"I know. Could you tell her I called?" 
"She already knows about this call. She gave the phone to me." 
Niall fell silent. I heard that he was sorry and I think he was crying. 
"Niall?" I got out of me. "I'll be honest., I don't think she's the right girl for you and your daughter." 
He was quiet and I heard a sigh. 
"I know!"


Candy pulled me against a car. One guy got behind the wheel and we sat in the back seat.
"PARTY!" she screamed and I understood that we were going somewhere else. We ended up in the guy's apartment and I was seated on the sofa. Candy disappeared into the bedroom with a guy, and I knew right away what they should do. I heard them moaning and I heard Candy said a lot of dirty words to the guy. Her phone rang. 
"Answer it!" I heard her call out to me. I picked up the phone and saw that it was Niall again. I hadn't the heart to respond. I didn't know what to say and instead I turned off the phone. It was the last time that I met Candy, that weekend.


On Monday didn't Candy came Candy to work. Simon sighed and he didn't seem to like it. 
"Is she ill?" 
He shook his head. 
"She broke up with her ​​boyfriend and she needs to move. I hope she's back soon."




It was a wonderful Saturday. The sun was shining and the summer was here to stay. I picked with me a blanket, some snacks, a good book and went to the park. I put the blanket on the grass and sat down. I enjoyed all the smells and I enjoyed being there. I picked up the book, laid me down on my stomach and began to read.


Right as it was, I noticed that some person came up to me. I looked up and met directly Nialls eyes. In his hand he held Kitty's hand and the little girl seemed shy. 
"Hello?" he was uncertain. I swallowed and sat up. 
Niall leaned down to the girls and pointed to the playground. 
"You can go and play, darling." he whispered to Kitty and I couldn't help but smile. The little girl smiled and then she released his hand. She ran towards the playground and Niall looked at me again. 
"How are you?"
I swallowed and smiled at him. 
"Good? I heard what happened. You broke up with Candy?" 
Niall nodded and looked down on the grass. 
"Yes, I realized that I couldn't be with her. You were right. She's the wrong girl for a guy like me."
I moved a little and showed that he could sit down. Niall hesitated, but he finally sat down and smiled at me. 
"You must have thought we were idiots?" 
I quickly shook my head and blushed. 
"No, I did just think that Candy was ... a bitch." 
Niall laughed. He looked over at Kitty and then he smiled at me again. 
"It's not easy being single. I thought I would have to live with my family and that life would be easy." 
I swallowed. 
"What happened to Kitty's mom?" 
Niall looked down at his hands and I saw that it was a sensitive subject. 
"She died in a traffic accident when Kitty was only a year old."
"I'm sorry!" 
He nodded a little bit and smiled weakly. 
"It's okay, but I miss her sometimes." 
I nodded and looked away toward the playground. I saw Kitty that climb up in the play gym and she had already got friends to play with. 
"I understand that." 
Niall blushed slightly and smiled at me. 
"So what about your life? You are working in the grocery store, I understand?" 
I laughed. 
"I just moved away from home and you could say that I'm fairly new to being lonely. But I'm comfortable with what I have."


Niall was nice and actually I liked to talk to him. We sat there a long time and talked about everything. Finally came a tired Kitty up to us and crawled into Nialls arms. 
"We'll go home." Niall mumbled to her and hugged her gently. Then he looked at me again. "Amber it would be really fun if we could get together sometime?" 
I hesitated. Yet he seemed not to care about my reaction. He stood up and held his daughter in his arms. 
"As friends." he filled in and laughed a little bit. "I'm tired of relationships with girls." 
I puffed out and nodded a little weak. 
"Okay, sure!"


When I got home came the memory  back. I sat on the couch and tried to remember how it had been to hold my baby in my arms. The thoughts whirled around and I just felt empty. It was such moments that I wished I had made a different choice. I wondered if my daughter was happy, if her parents loved her and I wished with all my heart that her dad was like Niall.

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