My child

I lost my child (by adoption), I lost a part of myself and I had to continue. I had no idea where my daughter was and I wasn't the girl who dared to think of her.


11. No one believes,,,,

Niall arranged for his mom to picked Kitty up from preschool. I sat on the couch and just shook. I cried and I didn't know what to say. Niall sat down next to me again and he hugged me tight. 
"I'm sorry, but you must know the truth?" 
I sobbed and I hugged him back hard. I was happy, but at the same time I just felt panic. 
"How long have you known?" 
Niall hesitated. 
"Yesterday, I forced myself to look through all the papers. Somehow I knew it before, but yesterday I saw the truth. I didn't know how to tell it to you." 
I cried even more and Nialls shirt became wet. I was shaking and I felt like an idiot. I had given her away, but she came back. Was it fate?
"I love you." Niall whispered. "And if you want I can explain to her that you really are her mom. She doesn't remember Annie and we don't talk much about her." 
I didn't know if I would say yes. 
"But I left her to you?" 
Niall let his hands caress my back. 
"I know darling, but you did it because you were so young?" 
I closed my eyes and I tried to think clearly. 
"Was she good? Was she like a normal child?" 
Niall nodded. 
"She was wonderful from the start. We picked her up from the hospital and I loved her from the very first second." 
I shook. 
"I'm glad that you're her father."
Niall released me and he forced me to look at him. 
"Amber, you are her mom. You are her roots, you are her everything. Please, you can be her mom if you want?" 
I still hesitated. Why was I such a coward? Why wasn't I glad that I had found her? I just had a panic all over and I no longer knew if I would be able to meet Kitty again. 
"Niall, this isn't exactly normal?" 
He laughed and I saw tears in his eyes too. 
"No, but it's fate?"


Niall showed me photographs from when Kitty came home. I knew my own baby and I saw the same child that I had left

"She was so lovely." Niall whispered. "She didn't have colic and she was rarely ill. She was always happy and she laughed at everything." 
I saw the photos. It was as if I saw a life that doesn't belong to me, but still, I was part of that life. Niall showed me everything that had happened in Kitty's life and in the end I was totally tired throughout the body. 
"So how do we do now?" 
Niall looked at me and he cleared his throat lightly. 
"We will be a family?" 
I shook my head quickly. 
"Niall she doesn't belong to me anymore. She's not mine." 
Niall was almost annoyed me. 
"How can you say that? She's your daughter."


I did wrong, I fled. I ran out of the apartment and I ran into the street. I felt the whole I was like a beehive and I couldn't control myself. Why couldn't I stay? I wanted to stay, but at the same time I didn't. I'll couldn't! Why did she have to come back to me? Couldn't she have ended up on the other side of the earth, and she just couldn't let me. I loved Kitty, but I couldn't realize that she was my responsibility. I wasn't a good mother and I couldn't meet her needs.


Mom was like a question mark. She hugged me and she tried to comfort me. 
"She just showed up!" I screamed almost straight out. "She can't leave me and I'm her mother, and he's so perfect and I don't want this." 
In the end, mom put me in the kitchen and she got me to calm me down. 
"What happened?" 
I wiped away the tears and tried to think clearly. 
"I'm Kitty's mom, her biological mom and I don't know if I want to." 
Mom was stiff all over. She paused, and she was cold. 
I looked at her. 
"Kitty's my daughter, my daughter, that you left off."
She looked at me suspiciously. 
"Stop lying to me." 
I felt hopeless. 
"Mom, Niall showed all the paperwork. I saw my own signature and I'm her mother." 
She backed off. 
"I begged them to send her to another country." 
I stayed up. 
She hesitated. 
"Well, you don't need this. She's not your daughter. You gave birth to her, but she's not your responsibility, and why the hell did she end up here?"
I just stared at her. 
"What do you mean?" 
Mom sighed. 
"Yes, she's not yours, and we have cast away that problem?" 
I shook my head. 
"No, she's here." 
Mom got up and she was angry. 
"Damn, you fucked around and this is the thanks I get? I did everything for you, I left her off for your sake." 
I was stumm. 
"I didn't fuck around?" 
She looked coldly at me. 
"Well, I heard what the other said, and they were talking about guys from all over the country." 
I was cold all over. 
"Mom, it was one guy, once and nothing else."
She laughed cold and I saw how much she hated the subject. 
"And you want me to believe that after all this years?" 
I nodded. 
"He used me and he ..." 
She looked coldly down at me. 
"You fucking put up your fucking little body and fucked." 
I became quiet. I was cold. I was anything but confident with my own mother. 
"No!" I whispered uncertainly. "I was abused."
She smirked. 
"You know damn not even know who the father is." 
I swallowed. 
"Well, I know who he is." 
She slammed her fist on the table and she looked coldly at me. 
"So who's he then? Who's it that you fucked and became pregnant with?" 
I swallowed, I was shaking and I admitted it, for the first time in my life. 
"Harry Styles." 
She snorted. 
"And you think the schools best looking guy, the town's richest man, wants you. Damn you're lying!"

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