My child

I lost my child (by adoption), I lost a part of myself and I had to continue. I had no idea where my daughter was and I wasn't the girl who dared to think of her.


1. Introduction

I was fourteen years old. I would be fifteen years within a month, but still chose all to order me around. I didn't know why I went along with it. Maybe because I knew I wouldn't be able to take care of a child or maybe it was my own fear? I just remembered that I felt small. I went for nine months and I felt my stomach grew. I was the girl that everyone was talking about and I knew that many called me a whore behind my back. I was a problem in the community and I was the girl that no one let their daughters be friends with. I knew all pulled away from me and I knew why. I was pregnant and I refused to tell who the father was.


Spring was in the air and I was sitting at home. I felt in the morning that something was going on. It had kicked all night in my stomach and I had barely gotten one hour of sleep. I was tired and I felt weak. Still, she decided to come out. It was as if she was in there and she got enough of me. I understood her. I wasn't a good role model and I wasn't a good mom. I wasn't even good at being pregnant, because I complained constantly on the pain.


I went to the hospital and the lawyer met us directly. I had to write my name on the papers and I knew what that meant. I would adopt away my child. My mom had arranged everything and she felt that a child would only destroy my future. 
"It's actually better to give the baby to a family who wants a kid." 
I knew it wasn't the whole truth. It was as if mom wanted to punish me, just because I had sex. She had been angry with me almost all the time and she was almost tired of me. 
"I wont!" 
She had only seen cold at me and without a word I understood that she decided over me. I wasn't an adult and I was a child in everyone's eyes. 
"You've ruined your life so that's enough." she said. "The child comes to a family who can't have children of their own and they will take care of it." 
I had been crying, but at the same time I was scared. I knew she would get her will by and I knew I would obey her.


It hurt. I had so much pain that I just wanted to scream out straight. I only remember that I was trying to push the baby out and I remembered that some nurse praised me. 
"Just a little more." she said. "Soon it's over." 
I didn't want that it would be over. I didn't want to have the baby, because I knew that I wouldn't keep my child. I wouldn't get to hold her hand, I wouldn't watch as she learned to walk and I would remain a stranger to her.


I gave birth to a little girl. A cute little girl with beautiful brown hair. I got to hold her in my arms, just a little while, but my heart was filled with love. I couldn't describe that feelings that came up. I saw the little body and I cried. I held her gently and I hugged her lightly. 
"I promise I'll look you up." I sobbed. "One day we will meet again and then you will know that I'm your mom. And I will tell you that I didn't want to give you away."


I was empty. I was an empty shell and it took a long time before I could manage to live again. I cried every night and I cried every day for a long time. Finally I got to talk to a psychologist and eventually I successfully took myself out of the gray fog. 


When I came back home, I knew what I had to do. As I got older, I would take my daughter back. I would tell her that I was her mom and that she belonged to me. I never told anyone about my plan, and I kept it in my heart.

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