My child

I lost my child (by adoption), I lost a part of myself and I had to continue. I had no idea where my daughter was and I wasn't the girl who dared to think of her.


2. Five years later

I was finally free. I had got my first job and I had got hold of an apartment. It was as if I had finally found my place in life. 
"Come on Amber." Mom said to me, laughing. She helped me to bring order in the apartment and she hung up the curtains. "You have to learn to take it easy." 
I smiled at her and picked up everything in the kitchen. I heard she was working inside the room and I was just happy. 
"But I want the apartment to be like I want it to be." 
She came in to me in the kitchen and seemed to understand me. 
"I must go home now, but call tomorrow. I can help you this weekend if you want?"
I was fast and shook my head. 
"No, I want to take care of myself. This will I be finished before the evening." 
She smiled and nodded with satisfaction. I watched as she walked toward the hall and she took on the old coat. 
"Are you calling me?" 
I nodded and laughed. 
"I promise!"


Actually I managed to sort out many things and when the evening came, I sat down on the couch. I enjoyed! I would really have a fun time in the apartment. Many parties and I actually lived near some pubs. I laughed lightly against the roof and noted that it wasn't responsive. It seemed like I hadn't any neighbours and it suited me fine.


On Monday I was in the grocery store in time. My boss Simon was quick to show me around and he did it quickly. I got work clothes and I felt I grew as a person. 
"The customer's always right." he said, looking pointedly at me. "You're young, but you must learn to think like them. Customers come here to meet a need. You will sell the need to them and want the customer to have bread, you'll be able to give a suggestions." 
I nodded and swallowed. 
"But I'm starting with the stores?" 
He nodded with satisfaction. 
"I'll teach you checkout in the week, when I have time. But you can start by picking out stuff into the store." 
I nodded and smiled big. 
"You wont be disappointed."


I immediately began to pick up the goods on the shelves. I tried to be effective. My dad had repeatedly indicated that I had to do my best. I did my best. I tried to make sure it looked nice and I helped some customers to finding some items. I quickly learned where certain things were and in the mid-day, I was fast. So far, didn't to my colleagues speak with me, but I didn't care. I was the new girl and they were still pretty boring. I was the youngest in the grocery store. Simon was the oldest. It seemed as if everyone had worked there for many years and all were accustomed to certain things. Customers come and customers went. Sometimes the store was almost empty, but sometimes it was as if everyone wanted to shop at the same time.


"You have proven that you are good at this." Simon said to me, when I stopped working for the day. He took me into the office and smiled at me. "I'll make sure that you learn the cashier and maybe you can get more responsibility." 
I was proud. 
"Thank you!" 
He sat down behind his desk and took out some papers. 
"This is your employment." he said and gave me a paper. "You get paid once a month. If you are ill, you must call us every day, so we know that you are alive. I also want you to leave the phone number of a close relative in case something would happen. It's a security that's nice to have."
I just nodded and I wrote my mom's phone number. I got more paper that I could read, and then I could go home. 
"You work in the morning between nine and six." he said and stood up. "You get to have those times until you've learned everything. Then you may be able to work weekends and evenings sometimes."


As soon as I got back to the apartment, I continued to prepare my home. I was happy and I felt so proud of myself. Just to make my mom calm, I called home to her. 
"It went great!" I said. She seemed proud of me and laughed a little bit. 
"My little girl has grown up." she said, sobbing almost in the handset. "You call home if you need anything?" 
I nodded and stood by the window. I looked across the yard and saw some children playing beside the street. 
"Yes mom." 
She was happy and we ended the conversation.


I watched for a while the children playing. Still, I wondered where my own daughter was, but the desire to find her had almost disappeared. I knew I had made the right choice when I let her go. The lawyer had said she had ended up with a young couple. The girl hadn't been able to get pregnant and the guy had for long wanted to have children. They were the right parents for my daughter and I knew she had a good home. Yet popped it up sometimes, the feeling over to miss her. When I saw other children in the age of five I could think about how she looked. Was she like me? What did she loved doing when she played? There were many questions. I hoped that they had given her a beautiful name. I didn't dare to guess what name she had, but I wished someone could tell me. Did she have brown eyes, or maybe blue? Was she dark or blond? Did she have any friends or she was bullied. There was a lot I didn't know about. 


I chose to leave the window. I went into the kitchen and put the kettle on. I constantly tried to repress all emotions. It could happen that I cried myself to sleep, but I tried to be strong. I had a life ahead of me and my daughter certainly had a wonderful family.

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