An Academic Addiction *Oneshot*

After all, what does it take to be defined as an addict?

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AA

1. First and last chapter

My drug is acknowledgement of my academic skills. Whenever I see a top grade on an assignment my heart skips a beat and my mouth light up in a smile that cannot be whipped off my face. It is like, I am addicted, but  they do not call it that, when it is for something that is considered good. It is beyond me to grasp, why anyone would consider my addiction desirable. Naturally, my academic skills are supperior by now, but not without sacrifices; would they still approve if they knew that a stay up until after midnight just to study? If they knew that I constantly reject my family and boyfriend, because my hand in is not quite perfect yet, would they then still tell me to continue the good work?

It is in the nature of an addict to claim ones next kick, sometimes almost regardless of the consequences. I am aware that my education is taking over my life, but I have not yet succeeded to convince myself that I should not just let it. What is the worst that could happen? Losing my friends, because I do not prioritise them? That is happening right now. Mental breakdowns? Yeah, that happened half a year ago when I was sitting on a train on my way home from Scotland. An aching chest due to too much stress? I have already had that plenty of times. So why do I continue?

The negative consequences of my obsession cannot be denied, but neither can all my positive memories from this same thing. School is that one place, where I have always been acknowledged for my efforts. Whenever I was being terrorised, either by my classmates or by that inner voice listening to them, I would turn to my books to disappear from this world and only reappear, when I was ready to show off my newly acquired knowledge.

I will pursue my obsession, despite all of the negative consequences that I am aware of. They will continue to cultivate my upcoming mental illness. I wonder, what will be the end of it? Oxford professor or psychiatric patient?

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