Darrel Hannigan's life was all black and white, a bore. But when the girl his heart has been waiting for comes along she starts tossing sparks of colour over his life. Now, he will never be the same again. This girl is Lily-Anne and she is the girl of this ordinary boy's dreams.


8. gone

I was awaken this morning by a phone call at around 3am. A girl screeching down the phone in pain and hysterics, not her usual laughter but an alarming hysteria. This is not the girl I know. This is not the girl I want to be woken up by. She had no idea what was happening to her but it frightened her, and she was never scared. It must be bad. When I arrived at her house she was covered in a rash which I could hardly see in her pitch black bedroom. She told me she was dizzy, that the lights were hurting her eyes. Her father was away so I had to get her to a hospital. 


She looks so pure, so sweet lying there in the hospital bed. After all she's been through she still holds that perfect smile of hers across her face and that is why I adore her. Despite the pain, despite the suffering she is the same girl I fell in love with. She doesn't mope around feeling sorry for herself. She still laughs and jokes and teases like she would in any other situation. I worship her for her bravery and her perseverance. This is not a situation she should be in. One where her life Is threatened, one where her life could be cut short just because of the sheer cruelty of the world, she has done nothing wrong. She has never done anything wrong. All I can do is sit next to her, silently, hoping she will make it through. I'm smiling through my terror. Smiling for her. Without warning she starts shaking. Her once stiffened body rocking about like a crashing wave against a rock; the rock being her hospital bed. Nurses are pushing me out of the door and no matter how hard I fight back they keep me away from her. I scream through the closed door but nothing. I collapse against it, my hands encasing my reddened face which Tears streaming down, no holding back.


I must have been there for a good few hours. Frozen. Now, I'm sat in the waiting room of a very dull and very stressful hospital. I'm shaking, I can barely sit still, the complete opposite of how I was not that long ago. Anxiety is controlling my movement, my thought and my appetite. I can just about breathe through all of this, I'm going to need a nurse soon. 

Every time the doors open to that long, eerie corridor I leap out of the chair but it's always been a pointless move, I just can't help It. I start to pace, I think everyone in this room Is being forced into the same state as me: a total wreck of fear, love and hope all cased into one. This whole room Is filled with the same nerves that I am feeling and I can tell that It is because of me. I try to sit down, sit still, multiple times but the longer I'm still the more I want to move. There is no winning. I know, I know I have something worth the fuss to be fussing about but thinking about that destroys me, I need distractions, the slightest thing to distract me is good enough. 


I must have been sleeping for a while because it's now about 9pm. I'm in a ball on a comfy waiting room chair. My face is sticky from tears, so I must have cried myself to sleep. I jump up, remembering why I was here and I start a panic all over again. Nurses won't give me any clue as to how she Is doing. I've seen multiple machines wheeled in and out of that room by doctors and nurses who seem to be rushing. I've been looking in, from a distance and her face is pale, eyes are closed. She doesn't seem to be moving, or even breathing. Although, it is hard for me to see with all of the people huddled around her bed. The rash isn't just on her arms but her legs as well, and It seems to be spreading even more. The rash will swollow and devour her, she has no way to defend herself in this critical condition.


As the realisation of the end of her-of us- hits me I become a mess, the same mess I was this morning. I try to compose myself in preperation of the news that she's gone but the longer I have to wait, the harder it Is for me to cope. 


I'm frozen. The tears on my cheeks are frozen in time, my whole body Is ready for shut down. I can't speak. There are no words for this. The doctor told me that there is nothing for them to do that can save her. I can't live without her. If heaven wants her they have to take me too. My life is worthless without her in it. A gaping hole will be left in me, in the middle of my heart thay only she can fill. I can't just go home. I can't just leave. I'm not done, we're not done yet.


 What the fuck is your problem what the fuck did you take her from me for why the fuck do you want to destroy my only happiness? Omnibenevolent my arse... I'm still at the hosiptal I can't bring myself to walk away- to just give up. 


The realisation of the news has hit me however many times but I can never ever even start to believe it. Admit defeat? Hell no, she wouldn't let me do that. She'd slap me till my face went red and tell me how much of a fool I was. And I'd hold her and kiss her head and tell her that I'd never give up on her. But all I can do is give up. It makes me feel sick to say that but what am I supposed to do?

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