Ana - Rexia

Anastasia Print...
That's what the birth certificate says, although I prefer the name Ana Jackson. My parents divorce was tough and I left my fathers home for the comfort of my mothers after an argument between us... about a problem I had. I miss him and only in my darkest hour in this world full of joy with a new step family, things are harder to hide and I know I should have listened, before this got to far...

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3. Present Day

3 p.m. Sunday.

I stare at myself in the mirror, and place my hand on the round lump of FAT that showed through my blue leotard, and turning my back to the mirror I stare over my shoulder at the tree trunk thighs that belong to me. Georgie throws the door open, catching me unaware. She stops. She stares. Our eyes lock.

"What have you done to your shoulder?" She whispers, reaching out and sliding the shoulder the leotard down. She is close enough so that I feel her breath across my skin; her cold fingertips brush the cut.

"I tripped over the other day." I say calmly, and the liquid lie falls from my mouth in a current so smooth, that it is obvious I have rehearsed it many a time - every day in front of the mirror. Georgie takes her hand back; I cover up the long line of scabbed over blood and shrug on my jacket. I stare at Georgie's back as she leaves our room, so beautiful she's not FAT, her hair is long and her eyes are always shinning. Unlike me... my eyes are a dull grey like my mothers, my hair is dark black and falls in frizzy ringlets only to my shoulders and most importantly... I am FAT. 

I wander into the bathroom that me and my siblings share and slide out the scales, turning them on I slide of my clothes and step on.

98 lb

I scowl at the number... still to high... I shrug on my clothes, and stare at my self in the mirror. 

"Just FAT that's all you are. Just FAT!" I hiss at my reflection, I stare at the scales the number still glares at me.

98 lb

I feel sick. It's disgraceful, over the past week I have gained 2 pounds, it's disgusting, why would anyone take me seriously if I look like this? Ryan won't ask me out if I carry on like this, i'm ugly, i'm stupid, I am FAT. I can feel the bile rising in my throat, and I stare at the number...

98 lb

Then I am sick, I make it to the toilet just in time... nothing but water? Is that it? I know I have more in my stomach than that! Or how did I gain that 2 pounds? 

Without even thinking my fingers are in my mouth, sliding toward my throat,

I retch and yank them back out.

Standing I grab my razor from the cabinet above the sink, and push it against my wrist "That's for cowardice!" I tell myself, and kneel back at the toilet, razor in hand.

Soon my fingers are at my throat.

I retch and leave them there, then I wretch again, my fingers slide out.

"For cowardice!" I say again burying the cold metal in my wrist this time blood comes to the surface.

My fingers are at my throat.

I wretch and again and again before finally I am sick again.

"Ana? Is that you? What's going on? Anastasia, i'm coming in," I hear, and throw the razor from my body and jam my wrist into my mouth hiding the blood. Alex walks in, worried as always; he kneels at my side.

"Ana, you've been sick?" He says quietly, sweeping me into his arms. "You know we really should stop greeting each other like this." He smiles softly, I lean into his warm chest.

"H...How was work?" I stutter, noticing his uniform.

"Boring, but money is money." he looks at me, in that second, I am sure he knows; I want him to know, but I don't. "Are you okay to walk? Mum's got dinner on and I figured we could chat, it's been a while." He waits patiently for my reply.

"Yeah, why not?" I say trying to smile but quickly becoming wary that my smile won't make me any prettier. 

"Come on then, i'll get your jacket you go get your shoes on." He quietly orders.

I slide my grey vans on and wait for Alex in the hall.

He meets me there with my jacket and calls to mum that we'll be back for dinner, then guides me out the door and we set off him leading me.

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