Broken Angel

The title pretty much sums it up. I'm a broken angel and this is my story.

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11. Recovery?

It kind of started at the beginning of summer. I took to Instagram to escape reality, where I usually go when I'm depressed, and scrolled through some pictures and liked some of them in the process. I looked at my Direct Messages inbox and realized that I had indeed gotten a message.

I reluctantly clicked on the small icon on my screen and the picture was black and under it was a small message. I didn't know who this boy was but I was bored so I messaged back. I soon found out that his name was Alejandro and we go to the same school. We continued to chat and it turns out he had noticed my sad and depressing posts on Instagram and I guess you could say he was worried.

I told him about my cutting habit. We were only strangers so I didn't really care if he knew or not. It's not like we were going to be best friends or anything like that.

I just shrugged it off and by the second time he messaged me we decided to exchange Kik usernames and started to chat on there, everyday. And I mean everyday. Immediately when I arrived home from school he would send me a simple message saying "Hi". We would chat all day until late at night. It was nice. I thought I had found someone new.

Some time over the summer, around late July, he told me he liked me.

I asked him if it was enough to date me.

He said yes.

I liked him too, of course, but I felt like we both just weren't ready for a relationship at the moment, mostly me. He somewhat agreed and we dropped the conversation.

. . .

He had amazing art skills. I've seen many pieces of his work on Instagram. I convinced him to draw The Joker and Haku in dragon form with Chihiro from Spirited Away. When he was done he sent me pictures of the finished products and posted them on Instagram.

He told me he was going to give them to me at school when summer ended. Then, on a random day he messaged me that he was coming to my house with his friend Shawn to give me the drawings himself. I knew Shawn. He lived close by but we weren't that close.

I was kind of nervous. This was going to be the first time seeing him in person and I was really socially awkward. No joke.

I kept my pajama shorts on but had to change into a long sleeved shirt. I couldn't let them see my scars even if Alejandro knew about them.

I nervously sat on my living room couch waiting for them to arrive. Billy was playing with his toys and watching TV on the other couch.

There was a knock at the door.

I quickly stood up and opened the main door. Through the glass door I could see them standing right on my front porch. My heart was beating out of my chest. There stood Alejandro to my right, leaning against the wooden railing. I had to admit, he did look pretty attractive, a lot more in person. Shawn stood across from him, leaning on the railing as well.

Both they're attention averted to me once I opened the main door and my blood went cold.

Well, here goes nothing.

I stepped out and waved at them, giving them a shy smile.

"Hi," I said shyly.

"Hey," they responded back.

It was kind of awkward until Alejandro handed me the drawings he made for me and I was immediately excited. I ran back inside to neatly place the beautiful drawings on my book shelf. I would hang them on my wall later.

I ran back out of my room and invited both of them inside and they made themselves comfortable on both couches. Shawn on the smaller couch with Billy while I sat all the way on the edge of the longer couch.

Alejandro plopped down next to me and I flinched a little bit. He had the whole couch but decided to sit as close as he could next to me. It was strange.

I turned my head to look at him and smiled. It was partly genuine and somewhat forced but I might as well be polite. I received a smile from him in return. He had such a nice smile. I noticed the metal on his teeth. Braces.

"Are you ticklish?" he asked, bringing me back to reality and losing my train of thought.

"What-?"

I was caught off guard and before I could give him an answer he started to frantically tickle my sides. I try to hold in my laughter and let out a small whimper but soon gave in. He continued to tickle me and slumped so low on the couch I almost fell on the floor.

It was a wonderful feeling; laughing. I couldn't remember the last time I laughed like this or even smiled. I was actually slightly happy for once.

Is this what happiness feels like? Is it because of Alejandro? Was he giving me this strange effect?

He stopped tickling me for a minute to talk to Shawn. I looked up at him and found myself smirking. What was he doing to me?

. . .

Days passed. I went to my One Direction concert with my best friend, who I love to death, Jill. The night was filled with tears, laughter and excitement. I had the best time of my life that night.

Then, school started. It was the usual routine: wake up early, dress up like a hobo, show up, fake a smile and go home. Nothing new.

Oh, and my friend, Alejandro, and I still talked.

I invited both of them over one day, just to hang out. Alejandro arrived at my house first. We just sat on my bed and talked and acted like complete weirdos while waiting for Jill. It was nice.

We were simply laying face up on my bed next to each other while talking on Kik. We were just saying stupid things and it was kind of awkward since it was only the second time we were seeing each other in person.

But before I knew it, he sent me a message that was going to change everything.

Alejandro: Can I kiss you? :3

My blood went cold. Did he actually just ask me that? Does he actually want to kiss me? I found that highly unbelievable. I didn't know what to say or how to respond.

He turned his head to look at me and he smiled.

"So, can I?" he asked me again.

I lay there, thinking about it real hard. I really did like him. A lot.

I quickly grabbed my phone and unlocked and responded as fast as I could before I could change my mind. I typed in a "yes" and nervously waited for a responses, either over text or in person.

I looked over at him, awaiting a response of any kind. He smiled.

"We need to get Billy out of the room!" he whispered a bit loudly and I giggled into my hand.

There was a sudden knock at the front door and my mom called back to us,

"Sarah, Jill is here!"

I immediately sprang out of bed and sprinted to the front door to greet Jill. I opened the door and we hugged before going back into my room.

We all decided on going to the park and when we got there we sat on the swings and listened to some Ed Sheeran and Pierce The Veil, a weird combination but we made it work.

Alejandro was a huge fan of Ed Sheeran and pretty much knew every word to all of his songs. I found it adorable every time he got excited when I put on an Ed Sheeran song and he would start to sing along.

I purposely put it on so I could hear him sing although he was pretty far away. While Jill and I sat on the only two adult swings, Alejandro climbed to the top of the swing set and sat up there by himself. I could still faintly hear him sing and I liked it. He had such a beautiful voice. Much better than mine.

Jill and I decided to go sit on the grass and Alejandro joined us but after a while he left to go sit on a swing. This was the perfect opportunity to tell Jill what happened in my room before she arrived at my house.

"Jill, I need to tell you something," I whispered as quietly as I could so Alejandro wouldn't hear us.

"What?" she asked, having absolutely no clue what I was going to say.

How was I going to tell her? Afraid Alejandro would hear us, I took out my phone and typed it all in my notes.

I handed her the phone.

I watched as her eyes scanned the words and then her hands started to type back a response.

She handed the phone back to me.

I read it:

He asked me if he could kiss me too.

My stomach dropped as I read that single sentence that crushed all hope within me.

I should've known. I should've known that nobody would have an interest in me again. He was just like the others. A player, and he indeed played my heart.

I was hurt.

How could I have let this happen to myself again?!

After the park we went back to my house.

We searched through shows and movies on Netflix for something to watch. Jill suggested we watch a show called American Horror Story and we let her put it on without a say in it.

I liked it so far.

Blood, violence, gore, darkness, everything I liked in one show.

Alejandro sat on the big couch with Jill, his arm over her shoulders. How could she let him do that after everything we just found out? How was she so cool about it? What was wrong with her? Whatever.

While they were cuddling and shit I sat alone on the small couch clutching a cushion in my arms as I watched the show with my full attention.

"Sarah, come cuddle with us!" whispered Alejandro loudly in a humorous tone, but I was anything but humored at the moment. The last place I wanted to be was sitting right next to him, but I had to play along and make it seem like everything was okay.

Reluctantly, I stood up from the small couch and sat on the bigger couch with them but made sure to scoot as far away as I could.

"Come closer!" whispered Alejandro again. He was holding his arm up in the air, ready to wrap me in it, but I didn't want him to touch me. I didn't want him to talk to me, or as much as even look at me.

"Nah, I'm good," I responded and forced a smile to make it look like I was joking when, in reality, I actually meant it with every fiber in my body.

So, we sat there. Jill under one of his arms and me sitting alone next to them, still clenching my cushion. My phone suddenly vibrated and I unlocked it to find out that it was a Kik message from Alejandro.

Alejandro: I still kinda want to kiss you x3

My heartbreak hitched and I didn't know how to answer. He hurt me. He really did. But what was I supposed to say? I quickly type in a fast response:

Me: Uhhhhhhhh

Wow, I'm an idiot and incredibly socially awkward.

Alejandro: It's fine. You don't have to.

Me: I'll talk to you later.

Alejandro: Ok.

Jill and I were going to give him a piece of our minds later. For now, we're going to finish watching American Horror Story.

When my phone vibrated again I thought it was Alejandro again but it was actually Jill. Nosey girl, isn't she.

Jill: Hey, what's going on between you and Alejandro? Does he like you or something?

Me: I really don't know anymore...

. . .

When the American Horror Story episode ended we all retreated into my room. I jumped into my bed and dragged Jill with me while Alejandro sat on a chair next to my bed.

Jill and I both decided to have a group chat with him and talk shit out.

The whole conversation was full of apologies from him. I appreciated them but dismissed them immediately. I had to be strong. I couldn't be weak. Jill forgave him though, which really pissed me off.

By the time we finished talking, Alejandro was on the verge of tears. Deep down I felt terrible for the way I was treating him. When I looked up and saw the hurt look on his face, all I wanted at that moment was to hug and and comfort him...but I couldn't and I wouldn't. I just couldn't.

When his mom came to pick him up I ran to the basement without a word. I didn't tell Jill why I either. I just told her I was looking for a board game or something. Luckily, she believed me.

When I reached the end of the stairs I began to frantically search through every cardboard box, container, bag, everywhere. But no luck.

Where the fuck did my dad hide the fucking blades?!

We had a three pack in the basement but now they were nowhere to be found. Well, fuck this shit. Maybe I'd tear apart a razor from the bathroom or some shit. I guess.

I came back upstairs to find Jill waiting for me in the living room.

"Did you find the game?" she asked, breaking into my thoughts.

"Huh? Oh, um no. I didn't. Sorry," I answered back nervously.

"Alejandro left by the way."

Oh. So he was gone already.

"You want to go back in your room?" asked Jill.

I nodded.

"Yeah."

. . .

The next two days of school I avoided Alejandro at all costs. I wanted to forgive, I really did, but something was holding me back. What did I want from him?

I'd see him walking in the halls by himself with his head held low, staring down at the ground. I felt terrible for making him feel this way. I just wanted to walk up to him and hug him but I stopped myself every time.

The second day I came home from school I got a message. I was sitting on my couch watching TV when my phone suddenly vibrated. I thought it would be Jill or another friend but it turns out it was Alejandro.

I reluctantly opened the message.

It was a long apology, probably worth 3 paragraphs.

I read the whole thing and sighed to myself. Obviously a lot of work was put into this apology because it wasn't like the one he gave Jill and I.

I read it over and over many times so I could process every word.

In the end I decided to forgive him.

From then on things were normal again, as if nothing had ever happened. We talked everyday as usual. I no longer ignored him in the hallway. Maybe forgiving him really was a good idea.

Ever since talking to Alejandro again, my feelings for him grew. I know it was too soon but I couldn't help how I felt about him.

Days passed and we hung out more and more and we never stopped talking. He asked me to stay after school with him one day in the media center and I agreed. I recall him saying that he wanted to tell me something. I was secretly hoping he was going to ask me out but I had to be realistic here.

I arrived at the media center and found him sitting at a table with a friend. I walked over and greeted both of them.

"Hai!" I exclaimed.

Immediately as I sat down Alejandro's friend left to go help the librarian. It was just the two of us.

"Hey, Sarah, can I ask you something?" asked Alejandro rather a bit nervously.

I nodded.

"Yeah, sure. Go ahead," I said.

"Well, first of all, I just want to say that I'm sorry for what I did to you and Jill. I'm so sorry and it's never going to happen again. I would never hurt you," He took my hands in his. "That's why I wanted to ask you...will you go out with me?"

My heart stopped beating for a second and my breath hitched. Did he just say what I thought he said? Did he actually want to go out with me?

I was so nervous. I didn't know what to say. I really did like him and I wanted to say yes, but what about Jill? I was afraid of hurting her. It was confusing at the moment because I wasn't even sure if she like Alejandro or not.

But this wasn't about what others wanted. This was about what my heart wanted. I needed to search deep into my heart to find what I truly wanted.

I looked up into Alejandro's eyes.

"Do you promise not to hurt me? I really don't want to go through another broken heart again and-"

"Sarah, I promise I will try my best not to hurt you. I wouldn't dream of it."

When I looked into his eyes I saw sincerity and sympathy. He wasn't lying. He actually meant it. I believed him.

"Ok. I'll go out with you," I answered.

A big smile grew on his face and I couldn't help but smile back, our hands still a on top of each other.

. . .

To this day, I never regretted that decision. It was the best decision I've made in my entire life. Without Alejandro I'd be even more depressed than before.

He gives me a meaning. A purpose to be alive.

He is my safe place.

When I think of home, I think of being in his big strong arms surrounding me as we cuddle in my bed under the blankets. My head against his chest and the beat of his heart thumping against my ear. It's a beautiful sound actually.

And I'd be thinking, Damn, I love him so much.

And I really do love him...a lot. More than I've ever loved anyone or anything...and that was a lot of love.

I'd close my eyes and smile to myself because at that moment I felt like the luckiest girl alive.

He makes me happy and I love him with all my heart and soul and I know he's the one. I don't just think, I know he's the one.

Forever is a long, long time, but I wouldn't mind spending it by his side. Tell me, everyday, I get to wake up to that smile. I wouldn't mind it. I wouldn't mind it at all.

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