Broken Angel

The title pretty much sums it up. I'm a broken angel and this is my story.

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1. How I Feel

The worst kind of pain is loving someone who doesn't love you back. To love someone who loves someone else. You think it's easy to watch him love someone else? Someone that isn't me? I can't bear to watch him hold her hand, to hug her...to even kiss her. It breaks my heart. Those thoughts haunt me every time I close my eyes. Why did I ever let my walls come down? How could I be so naïve? How did I even fall in love with him in the first place? What made me come to grow these feelings of...love? I'm not even sure myself.

Maybe it was his personality. Our compatibility. Our passion for videogames and rollercoasters. How we both wore Snapbacks and Dunks. We both had the same mind and similarities. It was rare to find a difference in eachother. How we found humor in the same things. The way we just clicked together. Maybe it was his hair. His eyes. The way they sparkled in every conversation. The way they looked at me... Or maybe...it was his smile. Oh, his smile. That smile could light up my day. Even on the darkest of times. The way he made me laugh was unexplainable. Everyone thought I was crazy for loving him, for even knowing him. But I didn't care. I was so blinded. Blinded by my love for him and only him.

I vividly remember the day I visited his house for the very first time. We played videogames and we laughed. I still remember that day so well. I don't think I'll ever forget that day. That was the day we became a couple. My second relationship...doomed from the start. Oh, how stupid and naïve I was to fall under your spell that no other girl could resist.

I remember watching Frozen and cuddling in the bed. That's when I had my first kiss. Our first kiss. Just after the "Fixer Upper" song had ended and Anna had fallen into Christov's arms...like I had with you. All time seemed to fade and it was just the two of us. If only I had known the consequence of it all. Of everything...of him.

He told me he loved me...and I believed him. I believed every single word he said to me. What a fool I was...but I loved him. I was foolish to think that someone could actually love me. Turns out, he actually used me. He had the decency to use me. To cheat behind my back. My only question is: Why? Why would you put me through all this pain? I gave my all to you and you just threw my love away. You took it for granted. You couldn't see how much I cared for you and loved you. You couldn't see that I never would've let you go. I never would've treated you like you did to me. You just lost someone worth keeping...and you blew it. Do you have any idea how it feels to have your heart ripped out by the one you love? Not pretty.

But I still love him. To this day I still love him after all the pain and tears he's caused me. After he ignored me and avoided me that day before sending me those six words that shattered my heart: "I think we should break up." And he lied to me. Couldn't even tell me the truth. The reason why. I don't even know who to believe anymore. Everyone seems to have different stories to tell. But not the truth. Anything but the truth was spoken.

That next night I drank. I didn't know why. Maybe it was the depression or the anger. I just wanted all the pain to go away. And it worked. I drank until my feelings were numb and all that I was full of was happiness and glee. That was until I started crying. Sober thoughts they say. All I remember was calling out his name and saying I loved him while our song was playing in the background. Our song. "I See The Light" from Tangled. He had sung Eugene's part for me, before we...dated.

I went to school the next day. I told no one about the night before. I saw him. I couldn't even look him in the eyes or in his direction without every memory flooding back. Every memory we ever shared. Every kiss. Every hug. Every "I love you" said to eachother. I couldn't even walk the halls alone without a friend accompanying me. Afraid he would do something to trigger the tears to come back. The pain to deepen. To get worse. To deepen the scar. I just couldn't handle it. I just couldn't.

I think he forgot about me for awhile. He never texted again although he said, "TTYL" over text. But that didn't happen did it. No matter how much it hurt, I wanted to be friends because at this point I couldn't imagine my life without him. I couldn't just turn my feelings off for him like a switch. It doesn't work like that. The feelings just won't go away. He's always haunting my thoughts no matter how much I try to get rid of him.

The worst day of my life was watching him with her. Walking down the hallway; together. They were laughing and smiling. He smiled at her, not me. She was causing that beautiful smile of his, not me. He didn't even notice me. He didn't even say "Hi" or even wave or nod at me. No sign that he acknowledged my presence. Of course I put on a fake smile and walked on. I acted like I didn't care when I really did.

I hated him, but I loved him. I don't know how that works but it just does. To this day we remain friends...or so I think. I don't even know myself. Although it hurts I still do it. I may be crying and screaming on the inside, but on the outside I'm just a smiling and happy girl. Nobody knows that deep down I'm breaking. Day by day, I die little. I'm literally falling apart, but I force myself to put on a fake smile. To laugh through the pain even though it hurts like hell. But it's okay...I'm used to it.

If you were to stop me in the hall and ask me, "Are you okay?" I would simply respond with, "I don't know."

And I'm still figuring out how that could be.

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