// chapter 1 //
"For it is the chained monster within us that reveal our true selves"
I writhed uncomfortably on my wooden bed as my body starts to wake up. Although, away from the norm I don’t really have a mattress, that the only thing I’m lying down on is a big fluffy blanket that as a matter of fact, took me about 3 months to purchase. I didn’t have a pillow either but instead I rest my head on my worn out bag that I have been using for 3 years. My bed isn’t a kind that people would dare sleep on, I haven’t changed it since the age of nine and I have grown so much into it that when I sleep, half of my legs are dangling by the end of the bed.
I looked up at the brown ceiling, watching as the wallpaper slowly peels off as each second passed. I then diverted my attention towards my room as a whole and I couldn’t help but frown at how totally ruined it was. I wouldn’t say my room was the typical teenage girl room with the fluffy pink pillows and furry carpets with the cute patterned wallpapers and bullcrap, mine is rather…what’s the word for this, oh, tedious. My room is basically four times the size of a typical bathroom, an almost dead wardrobe on the left side, a broken bed by the window and a nightstand by the bed. Hell, I don’t even have a study table or even…a table. My wardrobe isn’t appealing either, I practically memorize every single thing in there which are: 8 shirts, 1 leather jacket, 2 pairs of jeans, 3 pairs of shorts, 1 pair of shoes and a week long of undergarments. Although it sounds like I have a handful of clothes, I wouldn’t say they were appealing either, some shirts are band shirts and the rest are just plain V-necks. You see, it’s not that I’m not fashionable, trust me, if I had a butt load of money I would buy loads of clothes but it’s the fact that I don’t have any money and I’m basically locked up in my own room, literally. I wont even bother starting on how I do laundry because that’s usually a messed up situation.
“Ara!” shouted a voice from outside of my room.
My eyes immediately widened in fear and in that exact second, I jumped out of my bed, I smoothed down my clothes and before I even made a single move, I felt a shiver ran down my spine by the mere thought that my father was downstairs waiting for me. Crap. I took a deep breath and walked towards the mirror and stared at my reflection. I had long messy brown hair, big dull blue eyes and pale skin with annoying freckles in some places. I had a tiny scar on my left cheek and I couldn’t help my run my fingers through the still so obvious scar. Memories started going in my head but I immediately pushed them away because I knew that if I thought about it a second longer, I would have a mental break down.
“Arabelle! Come down right now or I swear to God-“
“I’m coming!” I yelled loudly towards the door, regretting it immediately because it made my dry throat crack.
I sighed heavily and smoothed down my hair and forced my cheek to form a smile but ever since that certain day, I don’t think I’ve ever smiled and I doubt I ever will. I slowly walked out of my room and towards the stairs and as I descended them, I could hear the sound of the creaks in each stair and when I finally reached the ground floor before I could even say a word, a strong and sharp fist connected with my jaw, causing me to lose my balance and fall backwards. I landed uncomfortably on my butt and I knew that there will be a bruise soon enough but for some weird reason, I started to feel the tears well up in my eyes. My hand crept up to my jaw and I caressed it, looking down at the floor, awaiting my father’s reactions.
“Next time you walk like a fucking grandma, your jaw wont be the only thing that’s turning an ugly color. Understand?” He hissed at me and pointed at me with his finger.
I nodded yes and I started to feel my body shake in fear and all I wanted to do was go to a corner and let the darkness swell over me but we all knew that as much as we wanted this, we would never get it. I tried as hard as I could to forget about the aching pain on my buttocks but it was impossible. My father took a step towards me and out of reflex; I scooted although I immediately regret doing so. His hands grabbed a fistful of my hair and he yanked me up, pain shot through the top of my head and I screamed in pain. I bent my neck to the side to ease the pain until he grabbed my shoulder harshly and forced me to face him. I nearly vomited at how close his wrinkly face was to mine. I bet she would’ve had better skin than you.
“Don’t you freaking ever try to scoot away from me, comprende?” He hissed angrily at me and his grip on my arm tightened, I winced in pain thus making an accidental tear stream down my face.
His finger crept up and slowly wiped the tear away and I swear I nearly vomited just by the sight of his face. I couldn’t have felt any more violated. I was staring at the wall behind him and I bit my lip hard as I forced the pain on my arm to go away. I bit my lip as I forced the pain on my arm to go away and a few seconds later, he finally let go of my arm and stepped back, giving me his usual demonic smile. I started to think of the blades that hid under my bed, it’s weird how I want to end this pain with something even more painful.
“Someone’s visiting, “ my dad said out of the blue.
My head snapped up and I stared at him like he was crazy. He hasn’t brought a single soul in the house since the incident and although, I completely don’t give a single crap about his life, I wanted to know who this someone was.
“Who?” I asked curiously, not trying to sound scared.
His smile widened, showing me his disgusting yellow teeth. “His name is Marcus White and he’s a very close friend of mine”
There was a hint of amusement when he told me this and I couldn’t help but feel a small chill running down my spine, which gave me the signal that this wasn’t going to be good. Everything in relation to my dad isn’t good. Although curiosity spiked my system and now I wanted to know why he was coming here and even though I highly doubt he would tell me, I still tried.
“Why is he going here?” I asked.
I narrowed my eyes at him and surprisingly, his grin widened. “Oh, we have a deal about something”
“What kind of deal?” I snapped.
“Something that’s none of your fucking business!” He shouted and stepped closer to me.
My eyes widened in fear and I shielded my face, waiting for him to hit me again but fortunately nothing came and instead he laughed a devilish laugh. A soft sigh of relief escaped my lips and he laughed even harder, finding immense joy in his abuse towards me. I felt the fear rise in my throat and when my head slowly turned to the left, my eyes met with a picture of my mother and I and that’s when the tears started to form in my eyes. Oh mom…
I felt my heart beat fast against my chest and although it started to hurt, I didn’t care. I appreciate those kinds of pain, the pain that makes you…relieved.
“Looking at your mommy, Arabelle?” My dad asked as he too stared at the picture with malicious eyes.
“Shut up, don’t talk about her,” I snapped, facing him and giving him the best death glare I could.
“Don’t talk to me like that, you worthless little girl. Your mom got what she deserved and soon enough, you’ll get the same” He said then cackled in laughter.
No words could explain how badly I wanted to slam his face on the ground but instead; I turned around and ran upstairs towards my room. As I slammed my door shut, I could hear his laughter again and it made me want to vomit all over the floor. I leaned my back on the door and sunk to the ground as I cried hysterically, letting out all the pain and grief I’ve bottled up for years. It was nice to finally let everything out for once. I hated every bit of my life and it was all because of him. I remember asking my mom why she married a man like him but all she answered was, “You’ll understand in the future”. But years have passed and I never understood why and I doubt I’d ever will.
My eyes slowly opened as I heard soft knocks on my door. I rubbed the palm of my hands on my eyes and adjusted them to the darkness of my room. I slept that long? It must be around 8pm now…I basically slept on the floor the whole day and as I stood up and felt the aching pain on my buttocks, I knew that I didn’t sleep comfortably. I stretched and let out a yawn and once I heard the soft knock on my door again, I became completely immobilized. My eyes widened in fear and my breathing rate started to quicken. I started breathing heavily and recalled the fact that Marcus White was coming over, but why is he going to my room? Deciding to think of conclusions later, I ran towards the darkest corner of my room and squeezed myself into the darkness.
“Hey Rick, you sure your girl’s in here?” A deep voice said from outside my door.
A chill runs down my spine and I could already picture what Marcus White looked like.
Tall. Bulky. Greasy.
“I tell you she’s up in her room, she aint left there since the murnin’” My dad said from downstairs, probably smoking a cigarette. “Just open the goddam door, Marcus”
Long hair. Rough skin. Dark green eyes.
“The door’s fucking locked, seriously Rick, come up here and help me or deal’s off” Marcus said in frustration as he kept trying and trying to turn the door knob.
Old clothes. Cigarettes in his pocket. Demonic smile.
“Just give that goddamn door a nice hard shoulder jam and it’ll open right for ya” My dad said.
Probably 40 years old. Divorced.
Marcus did what my father said and unfortunately, it worked. He walked in the room slowly and got a nice look around it. I crept closer to the corner and held my breath.
“Hey, how long do I have?” Marcus shouted.
“As much as you want,” My dad replied with amusement.
Crap. A chill ran down my spine and I saw him move around my room, walking towards my bed, which was right across from where I was standing. He knew I was hiding.
“Come out little girlie, I’m not going to hurt you” He said as he suddenly bent down and looked under my bed.
I started to feel my heartbeat quicken and sweat trickled down my face. He got up again and walked towards my direction, I was standing in the corner right beside my old closet and as he walked towards the closet, I felt myself take a deep breath. Crap. He stopped moving for a brief second and then opened the doors of the closet and when he closed it after 2 seconds I realized then and there, he knows where I am. And before I could even let out a scream as he reached for my arm, grabbed me and threw me on my hard bed, I knew I was screwed. I screamed in fury and his hands suddenly covered my mouth, letting me produce muffled skin. His hand was rough as hell and I nearly vomited right then and there when his face drew closer to mine and he gave me a wide grin.
“Don’t you move,” He whispered huskily on my ear and a chill ran down my spine.
I tried to move my legs but he had his on either side of mine, completely immobilizing me. I felt my heart jam hardly against my chest and I swear I was about to have a heart attack. I closed my eyes and struggled to move once more but it was no use.
I felt a tear run down my cheek and he wiped it away slowly. “Shh, I wont hurt you,”
He kept his hand on my mouth then suddenly he skimmed it down towards my jeans. My eyes widened in fear and I struggled and jumped, trying to get away form him and suddenly he slapped my face hard and before I could even let out a scream his other hand flew to my mouth, muffling my voice. My eyes were filled with tears and my arms started to get numb. He was like rock and it was impossible for me to push him away. I’m weak. I can’t do anything.
His fingers opened the button of my jeans and he pulled down the zipper. I started breathing heavily once more and I decided to stare at the ceiling praying for the Gods to spare me. I wriggled beneath him and bit my lip hard, feeling a tang of blood coming out. Then suddenly as if the Gods had listened to my prayers, the man, in all stupidity, let go of my arms and used both of his to try and pull down my pants. I laid immobilized for a brief second and when the right time came, I quickly moved my hand under my pillow and pulled out my blades. I raised my hand and before he could even move, I slashed his cheek, forming a deep cut. He groaned in pain and leaned back, causing him to fall backwards and down on the floor. Quickly, I jumped up and kicked him hard on the balls. Twice. He screamed in pain and crouched on the floor, one hand gripping his nuts and the other on his cheek. Once I heard a commotion downstairs, I knew that my father was coming to get me. Fuck.
That’s when I started to move fast, running around my room grabbing clothes and stuffing them in my bag. I didn’t care about Marcus on the floor and the fact that my pants were about to fall down. Once I had every single thing of mine in my bag, I ran towards the window and opened it, allowing the cold breeze to sweep past my face for a brief second. I sat down on the ledge and looked down at Marcus and it seemed that he had passed out. I looked down from the window and I wasn’t that high up and as I jumped and looked behind me, the last thing I saw was the shocked face of my father. I fell ungracefully on the ground but thankfully there were some bushes. I quickly scrambled up and put on my bag when I heard a loud shout from up in my room.
“Ara! Come back here you bitch!” he shouted before I heard him scoot out of my room and run down the stairs.
I had finally embraced the feeling of excitement instead of fear and for the first time in my life, I ran.
[A/N: And so it's back!!! I'm super sorry If I haven't updated in forever but I've started to write Suicide all over again and this time, I'll put more effort into it. Thank you for those who have waited and have loved Suicide from the start. I would really appreciate it if you shared this story with all your friends :-) ]