Oblivion (+16)

My head hurt and my eyes were too red. I couldn't help but wonder what my life would've been, could've been, if I hadn't met Harry. I don't like him. He's the kind of person they tell naïve girls like me to stay away from. I'm stupid and helpless. I have no one to run to, and the sad part is knowing that I have no one to blame, but myself. I got myself into this mess, and now all that's left is, oblivion.


5. five.

     Everything from last night was a blur and when I awoke it all felt like a dream. There was 5 seconds immediately after I woke up where everything was a dream and I didn’t just pass out drunk at my first college party. But after those 5 seconds passed, reality hit me, and it hit me hard. I don’t know where I am. Just that I’m in a bed, someone’s bed. I lifted myself up and the room was empty. I wasn’t in a dorm and I wasn’t on campus. Worry takes over my body, and I begin to look for my phone, anything really. Something that can help me protect myself. My phone is nowhere in sight and I groan in frustration. I sit on the bed and notice that the sheets are white. The walls are painted a dark grey and there’s a closet to the left of me. It’s a vast room and I begin to wonder whose it is. I look in the mirror in front of me and notice that I’m wearing clothes that aren’t mine. What is this? It’s a big plain white shirt and it hangs on my body. I’m not wearing anything else but my panties and my heart accelerates. What is happening? My makeup is smeared everywhere and I look like hell. The shirt I’m wearing smells of soap and sort of like a spice. I love it. Ugh what am I doing? My mouth tastes disgusting and my head aches and pounds. I walk over to the door and open it. There’s a hallway that I walk down and my body feels sore. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I’m even looking for. A person? My phone? I put my hand on my head and rub it softly in hopes of relieving some of the pain. The hallway ends and I walk into a living room. There’s a black couch in the middle and a large TV mounted to the wall. The room is very immaculate. I walk inside the living room in hopes of finding my phone, but I have no luck. I pad further and come across a brown table. I catch a glimpse of my purse and walk towards it. I dig for my phone and when I find it, there’s 5 missed calls. 2 from Mother, and 3 from Kendall. Well it’s nice to know she cares. I need to find a bathroom. I walk out of the living room and back into the hallway. I turn the corner and push a door open to the left of me. It takes awhile for my eyes adjust to the morning light that shined through the window. It’s an office that has a shiny dark brown desk and has papers laid out on it. The walls are lined with a bookshelf. I’m confused when my eyes catch Harry’s. His name was Harry right? I can feel my mouth open and my cheeks flush. He stares at me with dark eyes, and the room is spinning. I can’t bring myself to speak. What am I supposed to say? Sorry for barging in but why am I here dressed in a large white shirt?  A small smirk plays on his lips after awhile and he leans back in a leather desk chair. His eyes trail my body and I try my best to cover myself. I clear my throat.

“Um, s-sorry, I-I was trying to find the restroom and I-“

“No, it’s fine, Lana. Down the hall on your right.” He says with ease. I pull my eyebrows together in confusion.

“Something wrong?” He asks, noticing my expression.

“Yes actually just one little thing” I say holding up my finger to gesture a 1, “Why the hell am I here? Actually no, why are you here? My head is killing me and the last person I want to see right now is you.” I say harshly.

“Okay well I was trying to be nice to you, but I guess you’re one that doesn’t appreciate things greatly. Just to fill you in, you passed out last night on the back lawn after vomiting in the pool. Oh and you made out with Niall which was just, gold” He teases, “Believe me, I’d rather have a nice pretty girl in my bed to fuck rather than you, but I pitied your lack of consciousness. And I live here, as you failed to realize before.” He says cruelly at me and his word choice sends tingles down my back. I was speechless and hurt. I could feel my eyes start to water and I did my best to hold the tears back. What is wrong with me? Why am I so stupid? I should’ve left that party in the beginning.

“I-I’m sorry. I’m just going to leave then” I say and walk out before he has the chance to say anything else. I walk over to the bathroom and shut the door. I lean against the sink and breathe rapidly. I feel like shit. I just need to change clothes and call a cab. After I’m done in the bathroom, I fast walk my way back into the living room. I want to avoid Harry. I grab my purse and belongings and run back to the room. I find Kendall’s dress on the floor in the corner of the room and I slip back into it. I feel uncomfortable again. I cringe as I step back into the heels and walk out. I find the door and just when I thought I had fully avoided Harry, his voice sounds.

“I can give you a ride, if you want” He suggests. What? What is he even doing? He was yelling at me a second ago and now he’s offering to give me a ride. It’s probably just another one of his ‘I feel sorry for you’ cards. I roll my eyes before turning to him.

“No, I’ll manage. Thanks for taking me here, I guess,” I say calmly. “But just don’t talk to anymore okay? I’d really appreciate it.” I say and his eyes are hooded. He nods at me and I walk out of the door. The apartment building he stays in is really nice and I wonder how he can afford to pay for all of this. I enter in the elevator and wait for it to bring me down to the lobby.

     When I arrive back to the dorms, I immediately go straight to my bed. I really have to get my shit together. Not even 2 days in college and I’m probably already known as ‘that’ girl. This isn’t me. This isn’t who I am. I’m Lana Michelle Taylor, the nice girl with a straight A report card, and above average GPA. That’s it Lana, this is your last crazy antic for the month. It’s time for me to settle in and worry about my future. Whatever that may be. My alarm showed 9:49 and I forced myself to stand up.

     After I showered and took some pain medicine, my stomach growled at its lack of food. I decided to walk around and hopefully find something to eat. My mind wouldn’t stop thinking of him. I don’t understand, he’s just like any other guy, if not worse. All men are animals, and maybe that’s my inner feminist talking, but all guys want is sex. They’re not into the hearts and flowers, sentimental stuff. They’re all about their egos. I guess I’m a little touchy when it comes to equality between men and women. And maybe I’m a complete hypocrite for wanting women to respect themselves, because honestly I didn’t give much respect to myself last night. I should probably find new friends. Kendall is great, sure, but I get a bad feeling from all of her sincereness. I’m probably ridiculously paranoid. I groan and make my way towards a coffee shop. I think coffee shops are going to be my thing from now on. My mouth waters as the waitress sets my ham and cheese croissant in front of me, along with my tea. I love the  smell of a coffee shop. I’ll have to make a mental note to visit back here. I feel my phone vibrate beneath my bottom and I take it out. It’s mother and I’m afraid to accept the call. I press the green button and bring the phone to my ear.

“Hello?” I answer, my voice careful

“Lana! Where have you been?” She yells, “I’ve been worried sick! If you are unable to call or text me back regularly, don’t think I won’t hesitate to fly over there and drag you home.” She threatens. I flinch.

“I know, Mother. I’m sorry. I’ve been busy with settling in.” I explain. I can hear her sigh in frustration.

“It’s hard for me to trust you’re okay in such a big city. I’m sorry, but you know I tend to worry”

“I’m fine, Mother.” I reassure her, “Everything’s going great.” I lie

“Well that’s good, honey” and I can hear her smile.

     We chat for about 10 more minutes until she hangs up to garden. Now that I’m out of the house, she really has no business in my personal life. I finish drinking the last bit of my tea and head out. It’s a nice Sunday afternoon and now that my headache has subsided, I can finally enjoy the evening. I walk off campus and take a cab to Washington Square Park. It’s nice to admire people from afar. I find people interesting. We seek out comfort, because we can’t seem to comfort ourselves. I don’t know, I find that pretty cool. The grass is soft as it skims the edges of my toes. I smile at the variety of dogs that pass by. This is what relaxing is. I’ve missed out on so much already and I promise that I’ll no longer continue to. I pass by a newspaper stand and pay, hoping to find a job somewhere. I sit in a grassy area and sit down with my legs crossed. I’m glad Mother and I previously typed up my résumé I left home. I don’t know what jobs I’m exactly looking for. I could see myself as a waitress. I always told myself I’d get into publishing, but it seems harder now that I think about it. Publishing companies look for skilled authors with years of experience, and me? Well I’m just a girl who has always taken a liking towards books. I’m hoping my Creative Writing class will help me become more skilled. Although, it really wouldn’t hurt to try and snag an interview as maybe an assistant of some sort. I’ll have to find an open space somewhere.

     I spent the later hours gazing at the park’s surrounding. I’m going to have to be my own real friend If I want to avoid any more rebellions. I have exactly one week to prepare for school. I’m feeling pretty confident about the classes I’m taking. They’re mostly Literature courses, but I’m excited for the old works of literature we get to read. They said at one of the school orientations that they were going to have a new Literature teacher. He/She was supposedly in charge of a very successful publishing company. Maybe I could suck up to them and try to score a job.

     The sun was beginning to set and I skipped calling for a cab and walked back to campus instead. Kendall was back in the dorm when I arrived. I didn’t feel like talking and I think she felt the same way. I spent the rest of my night watching Netflix on my laptop.

     My days flew by and before I knew it, it was Thursday morning and although I loved spending my days roaming New York, unfortunately I was running out of money. And I know I can always ask Mother to lend me some more, but I feel guilty every time I ask. I really need to get a job.  I’ve been searching for casual jobs here and there but they all require experience and because I grew up in such a small town everyone knew everyone and usually things would get done for free out of courtesy. There was an opening for a publishing company but I’m not sure about it. I keep telling myself I would call, but I can’t find the strength in me to dial. But I have to this time. I need to. I have to learn how to support myself. My fingers glide over the keypad on my phone as I dial in the number. It rings 3 times before a woman answers in a crisp tone.

 “Hi, my name is Lana Taylor, and I’m calling in regards to your opening spot as an assistant?” I say with much confidence.

“If you’re interested we will be holding interviews on Friday at 11am. Please come with a copy of your résumé, and one of your writings. Can I have your full name and number” She questions

I give her my information and thank her.

“You’re welcome, you too” She replies back before hanging up.

     Kendall, Niall and Sophie invite me to watch a movie with them. I gladly comply but promise myself I wouldn’t be out for long. At last minute, Kendall decides to invite Zayn and I suddenly feel left out. I don’t know what exactly happened between Niall and Sophie these past few days but I guess they’re a thing now. I don’t mind at all, but when they start making out to the side of me during a very interesting movie, that’s when I draw the line. I look to the left of me and Kendall and Zayn laugh about something I’m clearly not included in. I sigh and try to turn my attention towards the movie. All I can focus on now though, is lips smacking and sucking and hushed giggles from both sides of me. I roll my eyes in annoyance. This is the last time I’m going anywhere with the four of them. At this point the movie has left my mind and all I want to do is leave. I tap Kendall’s shoulders lightly and she turns to me smiling.

“Hey I think I came across some bad food this morning, I’m gonna head off and get some rest” I lie to her. She merely nods at me and I take that as my cue to leave. I grab my purse and step over Niall’s spread feet. 



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