Sparrow's Reviews

Hello! This, like many others, is a review movella. The first chapter will have more details, so, don't be shy, read on!


8. The Guardians: Runaways by Lady Alora Wiley

     NOTE: Since this is a fully completed movella and takes about 2 hours to read, I went ahead and only read the first five chapters.

     The very first thing I noticed was that your story is written in Comic Sans. This bugged me throughout the rest of the time I spent reading it, and I would suggest you change it, as it might drive away potential readers.

     Next, you might want to change the pacing of the story so that it moves more slowly. As of right now, I'm partially through Chapter 1, and Alora has apparently been thrown in/broken out of prison without any sort of explanation. I'm not sure if you accidentally deleted a few paragraphs, but that could have been explained a lot more thoroughly.

     Also, this might be a bit nitpick-y, but first you described the language the prophecy was written in as "looking like Latin", but then go on to say that it is Latin, even though there are some words in the prophecy that don't exist in Latin, like "manum" and "morietur".

     In Chapter 3, around the middle of the chapter, Jo describes her interrogation "as if they were taking her mug shot", which is an anachronism, or a person or thing that is out of place, time period-wise.

     Another thing that bugged me a little was Jo's Oracle power in Chapter 4. It's almost exactly like Rachel Dare's power from Percy Jackson, and I was hoping that you would have been a bit more original with it, especially seeing as she never exhibited that power beforehand.

     One more thing from Chapter 4- Myra says that the group has "covered their tracks so well, that the guards will be looking for you for weeks". Again, there might have been something not disclosed to the readers, but from what I've gathered, they've just been moving around on a whim, making fires and hunting animals, and doing absolutely nothing to cover their tracks. Also, weren't they just being chased out of their camp by guards two chapters ago?

     Again, this might be nitpicking, but what Alora shouts (when attacking the guard) in Greek isn't what you say it is.

     This is probably going to be the last piece of criticism I'll make on this story, and it's a broader one: when you have dialogue, there should only be a comma after the quote when there isn't a question mark or exclamation point, and the comma should go inside the quotation marks.

     Overall, I thought this story was a bit run-of-the-mill. Alora doesn't seem to have much of a personality as of the first five chapters, and the others don't either, but it's an interesting idea and I wish I had more time to read all of it.

Spelling/Grammar: 8

Plot: 8.5

Creativity: 8.5

Overall: 8 1/3

(Sorry for the super-long chapter!)

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