Welcome To My Life

{my story} So I can let things out. This is me, in my entirety. Welcome to my life. (True Story) *may be triggering* -If you need to talk I'll always be here.-

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13. Too Busy

Me: hey can u come over sometime?

Abigail: no sorry I'm sick

Me: can u come over?

Abigail: sorry I'm at a friends house.

Me: hey can you come over?

Abigail: yeah sure, what day? (:

Me: On Tuesday?

Abigail: yeah sure thing!

Me: hey are you still coming over today?

Abigail: oh sorry my mom forgot and made plans.

Me: oh....

Abigail: how about Wednesday?

Me: yeah okay:)

Abigail: hey I can't do Wednesday. I'm sick.

Me: oh...

Abigail: how about Thursday?

Me: yeah okay!

Abigail: hey sorry can't do Thursday I'm at a friends house.

Me: just forget about it.

I felt like the universe was spiraling against me. But now I see it was really just her against me.

Songs played as I stared at the ceiling. Maybe I thought it might fall down on me if I looked at it long enough.

"If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see, You can find out firsthand what it's like to be me, So gather 'round piggies and kiss this goodbye, I'd encourage your smiles I'll expect you won't cry"

the song sang at me. I let out a small sob and covered my mouth with my hands, knowing my parents could hear me and come in. As much as I wanted someone to save me, I didn't at the same time. I know this is stupid but I'd forgotten who I was for so long that if I came back, I knew id have to completely rewrite myself. Everything about me would vanish and I would spin around a hurricane of confusion and doubt and worry and then I'd land right back where I started, which is depression. I wish I had magic red shoes that could bring me home. But there was nothing to come home to. The song ended and another came on.

"When your reflection in the mirror smiles back it lies, you know it.

When you lay your head to sleep at night it's filled with every moment

Every chance you miss to be something, well learn from your mistakes

You're not alone you're with me

You're not alone you're with me

Don't let the world bring you down

There's always hope for the willing

Don't let the world bring you down

It's not over, you're not alone anymore

When it feels like all is lost and there's no guide that's left to prove it

Take a look inside, cherish your life

And live before you lose it

You're all waiting for the answer

Keep on searching, strength in numbers

Don't let the world bring you down

There's always hope for the willing

Don't let the world bring you down

It's not over, you're not alone anymore

At the end of the day, what will you choose?

Will you keep moving on, or be forced to lose

Look inside of yourself, 'cause the power's in you

There is always hope, you're not alone

Anymore

Don't let the world bring you down

There's always hope for the willing

Don't let the world bring you down

It's not over, you're not alone anymore

Don't let the world bring you down

It's not over, we're not alone anymore"

I pulled a pillow down on my face and screamed into it.

"But I AM alone Austin!" I whispered, feeling completely dumb, completely useless.

what have I come to where the only words of hope comes from some older guy I don't even know? I didn't know. But I sure was thankful for something. More thankful than anyone can know.

That week I went to see Ashley again.

And she asked if I had any suicidal thoughts.

And I said no.

And she asked me if I cut recently.

And I said no.

And she asked me if I had anorexic thoughts.

And I said no.

And she asked me if my depression was getting better.

And I said yes.

And she asked me why I was still coming.

And I said I don't know.

But really I'm still coming because I lied about those questions, and I'm not okay. I'm not okay at all.

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