I sat in the therapy waiting room. I jumped and blushed every time someone walked by, but finally put in my headphones and turned up Skillet as loud as it could go without bursting my eardrums.
The next week I went to a totally different therapist. My mom said 'it wasn't a good fit.'
The one we went to next wasn't a good fit either.
Or the next one.
Or the next one.
On the tenth one, I finally met Ashley. Sarcastic, cussing-during-it, yeah-we-can-talk-about-selfharm-or-we-could-talk-about-your-pets-whatever-you-want Ashely. And it was the perfect fit.
I sat on the floor of my room. I'd been triggered a lot lately but was trying not to. I put the scissors outside my room and tried not to think about it. I flipped through song suggestions.
Hahaha what the heck? No.
Until I found one. It had a skeleton on the cover, looking like he was in a marching band of some sort. I tilted my head and clicked on a song. A guitar sound filled my ears and a huge grin spread across my face. I liked this. I liked this a lot. Finally the song suggestions got something right.
"Yeah! And if your heart stops beating I'll be here wondering, Did you get what you deserve? The ending of your life And if you get to heaven I'll be here waiting, babe. Did you get what you deserve? The end, and if your life won't wait, Then your heart can't take this"
I began to play it everywhere. It was stuck in my head, it was in my headphones non-stop. My Chemical Romance. I quickly learned that they had split a couple months before. Just a couple of months, can you believe that?! I quickly made my little get away place in all of their albums. Then I watched Gerard Way speeches. I swore I'd never cut again.
I stumbled down the steps on my birthday. My parents gave me a few presents to open and I grinned as I opened them. A family force 5 t-shirt, a bracelet... My smile faltered a bit as I opened the next one. A drawing kit. I gave them a real smile before saying, "I love it so much!" A drawing kit means a pencil sharpener. My thoughts whispered. I ignored them, hugging my parents. When I got upstairs I managed to get out the blade, hiding it in a box. Just in case. I'm not actually going to use it. Just IN CASE, you know. But I'm not going to use it. I'm not.
I sat on the fluffy couch, hugging a pillow.
"Have you wanted or had urges to self harm recently?" Ashley asked. She had to ask that, I think.
"NoPe," I said, popping the P and giving her a smile. She smiled a genuine smile back at me. I managed to trick someone whose job it was to tell. That scared me a bit.