My aunt told my mom she should pull me out, but my mom said no. She said that I was strong enough and that I'd show her up.
The next time I saw Abigail she said that she liked my shoes and Ginny Lynn said she liked my hair, even though I wore my hair the same way I normally do and I wear the same converses every single day.
I couldn't bring myself to listen to music.
The next time Ginny Lynn told me she liked my hair again and asked if I had done anything different with it. I said no.
The next time Abigail said I did good on a school project even though I forgot to bring it in that day and the teacher was letting me bring it later.
I left my phone and book back in my seat at lunch and got up, going to the bathroom. When I came back I saw a group of girls huddled around my table, giggling like mad and then scattering as soon as I came near. I frowned and sat in my seat, looking around at all of them giving me sideways looks. I saw my phone sitting on the table and quickly turned it on, gasping at what they'd done. They had texted and snapchatted all of my friends that were not at the school that I had killed myself. I choked back tears as I realized just how far this rumor had spread. I was just lucky they hadn't texted my mom. I sighed a bit and banged my head down on the table.
I turned the key in the lock and stumbled into my house, breaking down as soon as I got through. I couldn't say anything to my friends now, I had already hurt them enough today. Or the girls at school had. There was no one to turn to. I flung my bookbag at the bottom of the stairs and went to the medicine cabinet. My mom wouldn't be home for a few hours and my dad was on a work trip. I started pouring the pills into my hands and then threw open where my parents kept the liquor. I normally hate drinking, so my parents don't hide it or lock it. I popped it open and took a big gulp. It burned my throat like fire and I coughed into my hand before tipping my head back and throwing pills into the back of my throat, taking another drink. I wasn't crying, I just stood there, not knowing what I was even doing, not thinking o anything at all. I finished half the bottle and put the liquor and pills back. I sank to my knees and that's when I cried. I'd been crying so much lately. Why did I keep crying? I slumped further down onto the ground and fell asleep.
My eyes snapped open. Not a lot of time had passed but it was enough. I felt my heartbeat start getting faster and my palms began to sweat and my breathing became heavy. I crawled to my feet an almost tipped sideways and panic began to seize my middle and pull me back down. I grabbed the stair railed and pulled myself to my feet, my vision slightly blurry and I wished more than anything I could just go back to sleep. No, I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I slouched up the stairs and slammed the door to my bathroom, collapsing on the cool tile. What have I done, what have I done, what have I done... The thought rocketed around my head and I kneeled beside the bathtub, reaching out and turning it on, managing to pull myself into the cold water- clothes and all. What have I done- I stuck my finger down my throat and they started to come up, my nose and lungs burned and the pills and drink poured out. What have I done... I panted and laid there as water showered over me and closed my eyes, reaching my fingers upward and turning the faucet.
"I have to stop this.." I muttered to myself, fear still raging through me like a storm. "I have got to stop." I just want to be saved, that's all.. I don't want to die.
(I wanted everyone reading this to know they are beautiful and amazing and that you can always talk to me if you feel like no one listens. I do not want anyone to try to kill themselves, it is very serious- so is selfharm, anorexia, and bulimia. My story is to let things out and- if you feel like it does- to inspire people in any sort of way. I am not 'for' anything in my story.. Thank you guys for staying alive, I love you all!)