Dear Dr. Branwell
I can explain.
It was Friday- the first day of the school holidays. I was happy, of course, but a little lonely, so when my mother suggested we go to the mall, I was delighted, and readily agreed. Well, we got to the mall, and decided to have subway as a treat, so sat down in the restaurant. My mother the had to go to the bathroom, leaving me on my own at a table. To ease the boredom, I listened in to one of my neighbours' conversations. It was quite confusing- full of words like Operative Delta and suchlike. Then, one of the men at the table, (by that time I had counted four of the sinister, black suited men) looked in my direction. He saw that I was listening in, and stood up so fast that the table toppled over! I was quite shocked, and did a runner. The men chased after me, right out into the street, where luckily I was able to use my helicopter hat that I had just purchased to fly away and escape from them.
They chased after me in their car, and managed to enlist Katniss Everdeen's help to shoot me down from the sky. After that, I promptly got pushed into one of their black cars, and was driven away for nearly six hours. When I woke up, I was in an institution for the mentally insane. Upon my arrival, I made a friend called Bob, who was previously a mathematician who had a fondness for sticking his hands in electricity outlets. He and I made an escape plan, which involved a fork, a beagle called Thomas, and a miniature version of the book 1984 by George Orwell. After a daring escape, I realised that Bob was going to turn on me, so had to dispatch of him by boring him to death with poetry. I then luckily managed to fly home with my improvised helicopter hat.
That is why I couldn't attend my appointment.
On Friday, I fully intended to spend my day getting ready for your upcoming wedding. So I sat down with my wedding book at the ready, when suddenly- now, you're not going to believe this, but I swear it's true- a small pixelated figure crashed into my living room waving a hammer and yelling something about a mushroom! I was naturally shocked, of course, so I told the little chap to beat it, but he wasn't having any of that! He- would you believe the nerve!- Grabbed my sleeve, and, still clinging for dear life to my book, he whisked me away to his plane, and off we flew! It seemed hardly any time at all before be had landed in- of all places!- a volcano! (It was lovely and hot. Aunty Marabel would have loved it.) He handed me a hammer of my very own, and then proceeded to drag me down these most ghastly slimy corridors. Soon, of course, we were at the heart of what should have been the volcano, but it was actually an absolutely ENORMOUS camel! As you know, I like camels, so had to forcefully stop the little man from bopping it over the head with his hammer, and instead I pulled out my wedding book, opened it, and began to read! Soon enough, the little devil was fast asleep, so the little man and I jumped up, out of the volcano, into his plane, and dropped right back into my living room! Our little escapade must have saved many people, but took quite a while, I must admit.
That is why I missed your wedding.
(Hello, everyone! I'm the new co-author, River! Hopefully you'll be reading a lot of my stuff! BYE!)