Remember that stupid date my sister-in-law set up for me...yeah that was tonight. Let me tell you, I have never met such a complete S.O.B than Mr. Collin "I'm too good for my own common sense" Bell. Not to bore you with the whole night, but let me share some of this man's pure idiotic highlights of the night.
First my brother and his wife picked me up for dinner at a really nice Italian place, see dinner was supposed to start at seven, Mr. "Time doesn't apply to me" shows up an hour and a half late, and by this time all I had in my stomach was bread and water. Then to make things worse he has the most appalling attitude and table manners. He slouched and smells of alcohol then he orders the most expensive thing on the menu, and when it arrives he sends the plate back claiming its too cold. Then he begins to flirt with a passing waitress and tried to slip her his business card. I give Victoria a look and she avoids my gaze.
"Oh Lawrence look, there's Jessica and Bennet Lanningan, lets go say hi." she said practically jumping out of her seat. I swear if she tries to set me up on anymore dates I will put butter all over her whole grain organic and fresh expensive bread. Not a big deal but ever since she saw the documentary about fast food chicken its been nothing but organic and whole foods.
On top of all this as if the idiot couldn't do anything stupider, he chattered on and on about, "Oh my family is fabulously wealthy, " and "My father is to be fourth cousins to her Majesty," oh and "I only work to keep busy I really don't have to. I mean why should rich people have to work?" Did this guy have an off button? Or common sense? I was halfway through my meal and Larry and Victoria had decided to rejoined us assuming the tension had diffused. A waitrer was refilling our water glasses, when the pompous windbag said something that really irked me.
"You know, women are so fragile creatures. I mean your a columnist? What person in their right mind would read something written by a woman? They simply shouldn't be allowed in the work force."
"Hey, this is the twenty-first century dude, I'd watch your tongue." Larry said, staring daggers at this moron.
"Lawrence control yourself. Collin shut up." Victoria hissed.
Collin the arse just smiled. "See what I mean, women belong at home and should just stick to the basics like cleaning and bearing children and-"
He didn't finish because at that moment I'd grabbed the pitcher from the waitress and dumped it on Collin's head who began to claim he was drowning. Idiot. I grabbed my purse and my coat kissed my brother good bye, promptly told Victoria if she ever tried to set me up again I'd sabotage her orders of organic crap meals and made my way out of the restaurant, to hail a cab.
When I got home my answering machine had thirteen messages from Victoria all of them repeating the same statement over and over,
"Why would you do that?"
"He's really not a bad guy! He's just shy!" (I snorted at that one)
"Charlotte c'mon give him another chance!"
"Answer the phone!"
"You don't wanna die alone do you?"
That one rattled me so I just unplugged the damn thing and went straight to bed. My little dog Jax a beagle, was waiting for me as I changed into pajamas. Just as I crawled into bed my cell rang and thinking it was Victoria, I was going to giver her a piece of my mind.
"What do you want Victoria?" I seethed.
"Bacon and a personality." came a male voice.
I almost doubled over and held the phone away as I chuckled.
"Oh hey Alex, sorry thought you were my sister-in-law." I said to my half brother.
"Oh yes, how is Icky Vicky?" he teased.
"Butting in to my business as usual."
"Yeah heard your date was a total charmer."
"Who told you?" I felt my face redden. I didn't want anyone to know about the S.O.B
"Larry, said Victoria was running up their phone bill cause you wouldn't answer, not that I blame you, she's a total nag."
"Well if you're gonna poke fun I don't wanna hear it. I have another date with the back of my eye lids so if you don't mind-"
"Wait!" Alex said cutting me off, "Listen I don't blame you guy sounds like a total numbnut, but listen Whitney's brother is in town and she want's you to meet him. Thinks you two would really hit it off."
'Hmmm, thanks but no thanks Alex, I'm sure he's....decent but I"m sick of everyone trying to get me to date. I'm just not ready."
"Goodnight Alex see you for dinner on Tuesday."
I know he was trying to help, but forcing me to go out was not going to solve everybody's problems. I decided to send a text to all my sibling to meet me Sunday to have a talk. If everybody was so interested in my life, then they could come up with a way to get me out. I was done trying to go and please them, let's see them please me.
The next week my family and I met at a local restaurant to discuss the elephant in the room. I avoided glancing towards Victoria as she seated her self across the table from me. In my family, everyone has an opinion, and everyone thinks theirs is better than the others. Half the time was spent arguing about who had a better candidate when, finally Lorena came up with a solution that please them. The Speed Date. Here's how this works, each of my sibling would pick a guy for me to go one one date with. For the next month I had a date at least once a week. After I'd gone through, assuming I liked one, I'd call that guy and we'd go out again. However, if I didn't find someone, they had to back off and stay away from my personal life. Hard to do but they agreed. Since Lorena had come up with the idea, her pick went first then it when in order of children, Katie, Tommy, Alex, and Sebastian. Larry had spent his turn, and Victoria tried to argue how it wasn't fair and that she had an even better guy to set me up with. Sorry, but there was no way in hell, I was letting Larry and Victoria set me on another date.
I don't know why I'd agree to dating, but if it got my family off my back it was worth it. My first date was coming up the next Friday and I was ready just to get it over with. Can you tell I'm being optimistic? Lol.