T H R E E
“I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.”
- Ned Vizzini
“And I just don’t know where this is going. I mean … I just don’t want you to get too attached, because in the end you’ll only be disappointed in me. Everybody is. All the time. And I just don’t want you to get hurt. You don’t deserve this, you deserve so much better. And maybe we should just end it before it can really start.”
I say and look at her.
I have to press my lips together to stop the tears from escaping. I don’t want to seem weak. For one time, just one goddamn time I want to be strong. Just for a few minutes. I need to do this and she just needs to leave. I’m no good for her. I’m going to ruin her and she’ll end up being just … well ... just like me; a mess.
“What are you saying, Harry?”
She says with a half smile on her lips.
She doesn’t see the truth behind my words. She doesn’t understand that I really mean it. Maybe my heart isn’t fully in it, but my head is.
My head is always the thing that tells me what to do. That tells me when it’s time to cut. When I’m not strong enough to hide away from all my fears. My head is what’s telling me to leave earth. - Yes, my head is ruining me but I can’t hide from it! I can’t run away from what’s on my mind. That’s just not possible.
“You should leave.”
My voice sounds a bit stronger now, but when I look into her eyes I can see that she’s not convinced of my words. And in that moment I hate her for always being right, for knowing me so well. She just shouldn’t. She only knows me since 3 months. Nobody has ever stayed with me that long, but that’s not the point. I never really opened up in that time. N e v e r. And here I am. Thinking about someone knowing me?
“I’m not leaving you, Harry. What’s wrong?”
And I know that she already knows what’s wrong. I can see it in her eyes.
My voice is so harsh and normal people would just obey but not her. She’s just standing there and looking at me with all this love in her eyes. And I look away because I just can’t stand this anymore. She shouldn’t look at me like this.
Maybe I should just allow myself to look at her the same way, because deep down in my heart I know what I really feel for her and it’s so much more than just friendship, but I just can’t do this! I’m so busy being a mess that I’m just not able to let this happen.
I just should grab her and kiss her. Her lips on mine. That’s all my heart is craving for, the happiness that she could give to me. But then there is my head that is stuck in the sadness. And I can’t let go off all these terrible thoughts, off the darkness because even though it’s slightly killing me it’s the only thing I can hold on to. It’s the only permanent in my life. And this all sounds so crazy but being sad is the only thing that shows me that I’m still alive. I’m breathing, my heart’s beating.
“Hazel. Don’t make it that hard.”
“Are you serious?”
She raises one eyebrow and I can tell that she’s starting to get angry.
My heart is beating fast; it likes the way she looks at me when she doesn’t like what’s going on. It loves how she stares into my eyes while she slightly shakes her head.
And my voice is back to being small. Just a whisper that is slowly making it’s way through the room and again she shakes her head, but this time she takes a step in my direction.
“I’m not leaving you. Do you hear me?”
She says and stops right in front of me. She raises her hand and for one moment I think that she’s going to slap me but then she just lays her hand against my cheek.
And when I look into her beautiful eyes I can see that the anger is all gone. How is it possible that her mood changes that fast?
“And you’re an idiot if you think that I could leave you that fast.”
She says quietly and gets even closer.
“I’m not able to leave you, Harry. I’m already too attached in this. I can’t just turn around and walk through that door. I know you don’t want to hear this, because you’re stuck in that dark place that you call your mind, but you have to accept the fact that some people actually care about you.”
She strokes my cheek softly and continues talking,
“And I don’t care if I get hurt, because being around you and just seeing you … that is all I want. I could imagine doing this for the rest of my life. I know you don’t believe me when I say that you make me happy, but that’s just what you do.”
And I put my hands on her hips and I want to push her away and make her leave, but I can’t.
And in my head everything’s screaming. My mind is telling me that she’s lying but my heart is wishing that she means every single word. I’m split up inside and I just want to feel her lips on mine. I just want it so bad.
“I’m falling for you, Harry.”
She says and before I can reply anything she steps on her tiptoes and our lips connect.
They move in sync as I return her kiss.
I’ve never really kissed someone before. I mean I did, but not … like this. There’s no way I could describe it.
And my head is screaming no and my heart is saying yes as she keeps kissing the hell out of me.
And with hell I’m just referring to the darkness in my mind.
“So when she kissed you everything was good?” He asks and I can hear the surprise in his words.
“Yes. It was like we entered a secret universe when our lips connected. It was just crazy.”
“Yeah, that’s…” He stops, not able to find the right words.