S I X
"Help. I have done it again. I have been here many times before."
- Sia / Breathe Me
Her head on my shoulder. My hands on her back.
“I love you.”
I just whisper the words but I feel like I’m way too loud.
She sobs in my shoulder and I stroke her back. She cries and I hold her even closer. I don’t want to see her like this. I wish she could be happy the whole time. I wish that nothing could hurt her. But life isn’t a wish granting factory. You can’t just wish for something and it will come true. Life isn’t fair. I know that.
I try to calm her.
I try to make her feel save, but there’s no way I could make her feel better. There’s nothing I could do to take away her pain or her sadness. The only thing I’m able to do is to stay by her side and be there when she wants to talk.
The hours pass by and we stay exactly where we are.
I never felt so useless. Well, I feel useless nearly all the time but this is different. She needs me and it feels like I’m not able to be there for her. She always takes away my pain and I fail at doing the same damn thing for her. I love her. I love her so much, but it feels like I can’t help her.
She hugs me. It’s the first thing she does after hours. She hugs me so close it feels like she’s taking away all the air that is in my lungs.
“I loved him.”
She sobs and I slowly stroke her back.
“I feel like everyone is leaving. He was the last person that I had. He was my everything.”
And it hurts to hear her say these things but I don’t want to be selfish right now. I don’t want to tell her that she’s stupid for saying that because she has me. She always will have me. When there’s no one else who is able to help her, I’ll be there. Every time.
“Why do people have to leave, Harry? I mean what’s the point of leaving this world? Why are there such things like accidents or diseases or depression? That’s so stupid!”
She shakes her head and leaves my shoulder to look at me.
Her eyes are red and her hair is a mess. She looks so desperate. It’s like she’s searching for an answer to something that no one is able to explain.
“Have you ever thought about the fact that we start dying right after the day we were born? What’s the point there? Why do we have to learn to be a part of this damn world when we will die someday? Why do I have to handle so many terrible things when the only thing that is waiting for me is death? Where’s the point in all that? Why do people have to leave?”
She takes a break but I can tell that she isn’t done yet.
“Everybody talks about god. They say that god knows everything. But when there’s a god, why does he take away all the people I love? Does he enjoy seeing me suffer? Does he like the way I shed tears for everyone I love? Is he sitting on his damn cloud and laughing at me because I’m so weak?”
“You’re not weak, Haze.”
I whisper but she doesn’t even listen to me. She just shakes her head and tries to bring even more space between us.
The tears stopped but her eyes are still red.
“He takes away everyone I love. He took away my whole family, Harry. There’s no one left. I have nothing. My dad was all that was left. He was everything I had. And I feel like this all is my fault.”
She slowly shakes her head and shrugs her shoulders and the tears return to her beautiful eyes.
“I should have stayed with him.”
“I should have stayed by his side. I should have been there. I should have been the one sitting in that god damn car. I should have been the one driving down this stupid road. I should have been in that accident. I should have been the one that got hit by this car. I should be at his place. I wish we could just switch places. I should be dead, Harry. Not he.”
“Don’t say that!”
“Why?” She says and raises her voice. “Why? Harry, why? You know that it’s the truth. He was the most wonderful person I knew. He was worth being alive. He was able to appreciate all this. He should be here! He should breathe this air, not me! I’m nothing! It doesn’t matter if I’m here or not. I don’t count. I never did. He’s the one that is thousand times more important than I am! He should be here and you know that I’m right!”
In the beginning her voice seemed so strong, but in the end it was only a sob.
She looked so small and needy. I wish I could do something to show her that she was so completely wrong. That this world could never be a good place without her being part of it. I wish I could make her feel save and loved.
And for the first time in forever I understand what she’s trying to do the whole time. She just tries to make me feel save and loved. She tries to make me feel good and I act like she fails the whole time. I’m the one who makes her feel like a failure. I gave her so many reasons to look at life like she’s doing right now. I messed up. I ruined her in so many ways and I know that. I know that so well but I can’t keep my distance from her. I couldn’t spend a day without her, cause living without her was never an option.
“No you’re not. I love you and I need you. I don’t care if I’m selfish right now, but this world could be never good without you and if he was here right now he would tell you the same damn thing, Hazel! He loved you just as much as you loved him and he would never switch places with you. He would never want to see you dead. What do you think he would do if he was alive and you would be dead? Do you really think he would be happy? I know your dad. He couldn’t spend a day living on this earth without you.”
I put my forehead in wrinkles and look at her confused.
“You knew my dad. You knew him. He’s gone. You’re not able to know what he’s thinking right now or if he’s even able to think. You knew him. Maybe you knew him but no one knew him as much as I did. And you’re not allowed to tell me what he would do. You have no right to tell me what he would say.”
She’s so calm right now that it kind of scares me. She shouldn’t be able to switch so easily from angry to sad and then to calm.
She stays up and leaves me on the sofa.
And I just stay in my place. I don’t know what to do or what she’s doing.
But when she returns to our living room, I know what she wants to do.
She’s holding a bag in her hand. Her jacket in the other hand. Her shoes are on her feet and her eyes are looking at the floor.
“You have no right to tell me what I should think or what he would do.”
She says and I don’t know what to do.
It feels like I’m moving in slow motion and everything around me is moving so fast. It’s slipping right through my fingers and I begin to question how much time she spend away from me. It feels like she only left the living room minutes ago, but when I look at the bag and how huge it is, it feels like she had to be gone at least an hour to fill it like that.
It’s like I’m not a part of this anymore. I feel like I missed something. An important part of this whole situation. Something is missing but what is it? What did she say exactly? What did I say? There’s something missing and I can go through this situation thousand of times, I’ll never be able to say why she did all of this. Why she left me. It feels like it is my fault but on the other side I don’t know exactly what I did. There is something missing and I wish I could go back to the beginning of this scene and change it. There’s something I did wrong. And I can tell by how she denies looking at me, that she’ll never forgive. But what is it? What did I wrong? I want to know it so badly! But I don’t know the answer. And I can’t ask her because that would make everything even more complicated.
“I’m staying at Maggie’s for some days.”
She says without looking at me.
And again my mind is racing. What did I do? Why am I not able to remember every little thing that just happened? What is wrong with me?
She turns around without saying any other thing.
What did I say? Did I say anything? Why didn’t I make a move to make her stay?
And she leaves the house without another word. Without a kiss, but most of all without me.
“Just ow? Really? What about all these smart questions? Do I have to ask one on my own?”
I look at him and wait for him to say anything but he just stays silent. I thought he was so professional but right now it seems like he knows nothing at all.
“How did I feel? So bad. I can’t even explain it. This was one of the worst days of my life. Did she really leave? Yes. She was gone for one and a half months. She didn’t respond to my calls. I didn’t see her in all these days. How was it when she returned? She was so different. She was so cold. She wasn’t herself anymore. I still loved her but I could tell that something changed. She was still sweet and perfect but there was something missing. It was like she lost a part of her heart and she never got it back.”
I really don't want this story to be sooo long. So I don't know how many chapters will follow. :) I hope u still like it even through this part isn't so goog. Please don't look at all my mistakes. I'm a bit in a rush and I just really wanted to update. Thanks for reading, my loveable ones! x