ugh || H.S.

“You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world...but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices.” - John Green


8. Seven





"You're the smell before rain, you're the blood in my veins."

- Brand New / The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot





“I believe that no one should be able to have that much control over you.

No one should be in the position to control your mood.

No would should have that much power over you.

You are a free soul. You can decide on your own what to do and what not to do. You should be independent. You shouldn’t make other people your home, because you’ll end up being homesick.


And I know all of this.

And if someone would ask me if it is okay to depend that much on someone else I would probably say: No. It’s sick, but damn. I couldn’t spend one day without her. She was my anchor, she was my home.”

I said and looked at my therapist but he just raising his hand to tell me that I should continue telling my story.





“I’ve missed you.”

I say and look at her. She’s sitting on the couch, right next to me. There’s so much space between us and it feels like she’s miles away.


She doesn’t reply, doesn’t even look up.

She was gone for over a month and all I want to do is to hold her in my arms, kiss her. I just want to make sure that she’s really here. I want this to be real. I’ve missed her so much and as long as she doesn’t open her mouth it feels like she’s still gone.


I rub my fingers.

The minutes pass and we stay silent.

I move my hand through my messy curls.

She stays silent.

I cough nervously.

She doesn’t even look up.

I lay my hands down on my thighs.

She hasn’t moved yet.


“Do you want anything?” I ask not sure what I’m doing. “Uhm, tea?” I add and hope that she’ll say something. I just want to hear her voice so badly.


I look at her and watch how she slowly lifts her head.

I watch how her eyes move up my legs and my stomach. She stops right underneath my nose, looking at my mouth. She doesn’t say a thing, she just looks at my lips and I’m not sure if that’s a good sign. To be honest I feel like I know nothing at all right now.


Her hand moves up to her hair and she slowly opens her messy bun. Her curls are falling to her shoulders and they look just as messy as mine do.


I’ve missed that,

I think to myself but don’t say a thing. I don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable or push her or anything. I want her to open up, be here with me again.


Her eyes are still looking at my lips but I don’t feel uncomfortable, just useless. I don’t know if this is good, I mean this feeling but what can I do?


Her hands move though her curls and she tugs them behind her ears.

And suddenly she slips over and lays her hand against my cheek. Her eyes still looking at my lips and her fingers slowly rubbing my skin – she’s paining little circles on my cheek with her fingertips and again I feel useless.


I just stay there and let her do whatever she’s doing there.

Her hand starts to move downwards away from my cheek and her eyes follow. She gets a hold of the bottom of my tee and grabs it. She slowly lifts it and pulls it a little bit up so that I have to lift my arms and she pulls it over my head. As soon as it’s gone her hands move back to my bare chest. She just lays her hand against it and doesn’t move them for a while and I feel like her body warmth is flooding over.


I have no idea where this is going and I don’t know what she wants. I would love to know what’s going on in that beautiful mind of her and I wish that she would just share her thoughts with me, talk to me – but she just stays silent and that’s starting to freak me out.


The past month was horrible.

I mean for some reason I knew that I would see her again, maybe because I feel like we have this special connection or just because she still had all her stuff at our place. The thought of seeing her again kept me going. I was so busy missing her that I forgot about my self-hate. Wow, that sounds strange but I guess it’s the truth. When you try to focus on other things it helps you to get along with your own life. Maybe this sounds like crap to other people because being alone doesn’t really seem to help you especially when you’re depressed because you’re always alone, but … my problem was that I kind of was a prisoner of my own mind. I was locked with myself in my own head. And in the moment she entered my life I wasn’t alone anymore, I mean I wasn’t alone in real life, in my head I was still the only one. I kept banging at the doors in my head trying to get out - open up to her and it felt like some parts of me could escape but the moment she left me my whole entirety got sucked back into my head. The only difference was that I took some parts of her with me, so that I wasn’t that alone anymore. So in my head she was still there and prevented me from hurting myself – The thought of her still being a part of me helped me even through she wasn’t here in real life.


This sounds so crazy but it’s the truth.


She brings me back to reality when I feel how she lays her hands on my belt and opens it slowly. And I just look at her and watch her every move. She’s still so far away, even through she’s touching me – it doesn’t feel real.


She opens the button and the zipper of my jeans.

I watch how her hand slowly moves right into my pants and that’s the moment I stop her. I lay my hands above hers but she still doesn’t look up.


“What are you doing?”

I ask her and to my surprise my voice is shaking. It feels a little bit like I was in trance the past minutes, to busy thinking. I didn’t even recognize that my whole body tensed up.


She just tries to get rid of my hands and to move on but I grab her wrists a bit tighter.


“Talk to me.”

I say my voice still shaking.


And then she finally looks up and I can see small tears in her eyes.


“Just let me continue.”

Her voice is so small.

“I just want to feel you close, Harry. I really need this. I feel so alone right now.” She bites her lower lip and the only thing I can think of is how small she looks sitting there pleading to have sex with me. “I don’t want to be alone. Please.” And my heart is aching because I feel like it doesn’t really count that she’s here with me. She just wants to feel something or someone close. It’s not important who. She’s not here because of me. And this thought hurts me so much. I mean I want to feel her too but not because I’m needy or anything I want to feel her because I love her and I missed her. She just wants to touch me to make sure that she’s not alone. “Please, Harry. Please.”


A single tear escapes from the corner of her eyes and I can’t help myself but wipe it away.


“Everything you want.” I say because I could never just sit here and watch her cry and also I couldn’t really stand the thought of her leaving and doing things with someone else just because she wants to feel anything. I don’t want anyone to touch her so I just let her do whatever she wants to do. I would do anything to make her stay.


“Thank you so much.”

She whispers and moves forward so that our lips meet. I feel the desperation in her kiss and I return it. She pushes me back and kisses me even harder, the lust clear in her kisses.


“Undress me.”

She says in a hush and I do as I was told. My hands move under her dress and a few seconds later she’s only in her bra and her panties sitting above me, one leg on each side of me. She belts down for a moment and kisses my lips again.



The word escapes her lips and it’s like I can feel them, because her lips are still on mine. My hands move up to her bra and again it only takes seconds to undress her. I feel myself tense a little but I’m too distracted by her to pay attention to my own body right now.



She lifts her hips a little bit so my hands can move to the sides of her panties and she’s completely naked within seconds. I’m just looking at her naked body right above me. Her hips are already moving a little up and down but it seems like she tries to hold herself back. She’s not ready yet.


Her hand moves back to my pants.

She undresses me.

We’re naked - completely naked.

She takes my hand and makes me …




“Okay, okay, okay.” My therapist interrupts me and brings me back to reality. “No more details please.” He says and shakes his head.


“You wanted to know everything.”


“Well not everything, Harry.” He says and shakes his head trying to get rid of the thoughts. “Let’s get back to my job.” He says and shakes his head once again. “She just walked in and wanted to sleep with you?”




“And you did it to make her stay?”




“Did it work?”


“For some time, but look at me. I’m alone, so it seems like there was so much more I should have give to her. Making love to her wasn’t really the thing she needed.”



sorry for the late update but my computer wasn't working. :/
this chapter is kind of different and I don't know if I like it or if you'll like but I hope so! :)

btw thanks for the lovely comments. xo

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