ugh || H.S.

“You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world...but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices.” - John Green


1. Prologue




"I don't think that she ruined me. She actually saved me. I mean, she gave me love. The only thing I was really craving for. She gave me everything I ever wanted."


He nodded and wrote something on his notebook, like he did everytime I was here. It was always the same, but it was okay. I liked this routine. So many things have changed in the past months and it was kind of peaceful that some things would always stay the same.


"Describe it."


Short answers and Questions. The only things he uttered during our conversations. And it was okay, it really was. He was the only one that listened to me. He was the only one I shared my story with. And it was kind of strange that it didn't hurt to say her name and think about her, when he was around. I knew this was his job and he didn't really care about me as a person. He only wanted to earn money, but maybe that was the thing that made everything so damn easy. He would never judge me, well not directly.


"It was like I was lost, okay?" I started chewing on my lower lip and continued. "It felt just like John Green described it in The Fault In Our Stars, 'I was left on the shore, unable to drown'. I was done with my life and I didn't care about anything or anyone and she showed me that there were actually things worth living for. That life is a gift and I'm so thankful for that, but I always knew that she wasn't happy. Or at least I thought that this wasn't possible. I mean how are you able to love someone who's depressed? I couldn't believe a word she said when she complimented me. It felt like she was lying to me all the time."


I put my forhead in wrinkles and nodded slowly.
Flashbacks were crossing my mind. How I screamed at her the first time she told me that she was in love with me. I told her to run as fast as she could, because I knew that I wasn't able to give her what she really wanted. I was a wreck, I still am and I wanted to keep her safe, but I wasn't able to.


"But you stayed with her?"


I laughed slightly. "Of course. I loved her and I never really experienced love before I met her, so that was just overwhelming. And we had an amazing time. All these ups and downs the authors write about in all these books. More downs, to be honest, but it was okay. At least that was what she said. She always said that it was okay."


I nodded as I remembered how she put one of her small hands on my cheek and slowly rubbed my tears away. She whispered that it was okay. That she loved me no matter how much I hated myself. She would always love me. She promised it, but now it just seemed like another lie to me, because she left me. Or did I leave her?


"So you were happy?"


"Oh, lord. I actually don't know. I never really experienced happiness before so I don't really know if I was happy. I felt good, yeah. But happy? I don't know. It just was a good feeling to have somebody. I could talk to her about everything and she tried to make me happy all the time and I tried to do the same for her as well. It never was easy, but just like she said, it was okay. Maybe it was more than just okay, but .. I don't know."


Again he nodded and took some notes. Sometimes I wondered what he was writing down. Lost in Thoughts? Idiot? He would never say that I was thinking too much, that's not what he gets paid for. He just needs to listen.


"And now that she's gone?" He leaned a little bit forward. Tried to show some interest and it really worked. Well, that man knew how to do his job right. "How do you feel?"


"Is that a real question? I mean, look at me. I didn't come here for months and now I'm back again. I can't sleep and I can't eat. I thought that I felt bad before I met here. I thought that I was a wreck, but now I know that this wasn't true, because now I am that wreck. I am done. Completly done and I finally understand what she wanted to say, when she said, that there is this one person that can make you feel better. That can save you with just a few words. And that you're lost without that person. I finally understand it. Yeah, but it's too late. Way too late." I sighed and slowly shook my head. "She's gone and now I am that wreck. Now I am that lost kid that hides away from the truth. I hate the fact that she's gone if that's what you wanted to know. I hate it so much. And I hate myself even more for letting her go. I was so stupid. I thought she would come back. For the first time in my life I was egoistic and look where all this took me! I'm a mess. I'm depressed. Even more than I was before."


And now for the first time since forever he laid his pencil down and looked me straight into my eyes.


"Harry, I guess it's time that you tell me the whole story. From the beginning to the end. I really want to help you, but to do that I need you to tell me everything, okay?"


Again I put my forehead in wrinkles and I could feel my body tense a little. I liked the routine. I didn't like it when things changed. I liked it how it was. Not much talking. No deep talking. No digging in my past.
I slowly shook my head, but before I could say something he started talking again.


"Harry, I just want to help you."


And I shook my head even faster.


"That's exactly what she said. She only wanted to help me. She said she would stay with me forever and now? Where is she? She's nowhere to be found. She's gone and she took me with her."




I don't know Harry Styles in real life. So I don't know what his character is like. This story is not about the real Harry Styles. I will not use his last name that often, to make sure that you don't get trigged or something.

Everything in this story is totally made up.

COPYRIGHT: This story including every chapter, prologue, epilogue and so on is copyrighted under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. All rights are reserved by the owner and creator of this work (Whitney aka excuses) and any unauthorised copying, broadcasting, manipulating or selling of this work constitutes as an infringement of copyright which is punishable by law.


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