O N E
"Tears are words that need to be written."
My mother says and slowly nods her head. She still has the bottle of pills in her hand, which she took out of my hands just a few minutes ago. She looks so sad and I can feel how she starts to think about the whole situation. She tries to understand what is going on with me. And when she finally looks at me again, all I see in her eyes is fear and disappointment.
“No, you don’t.” I say and raise my voice. I don’t want to scream at her, but I just can’t stand the look in her eyes. “You don’t understand what it feels like to be me. You don’t know how much I hate myself.”
I slowly shake my head and I can see how a single tear escapes from the corner of her eye.
“Don’t say something like that, love.” She whispers but I ignore it.
This is all in my head and I need to tell someone. I can’t keep fighting the demons on my own. And I know that she doesn’t want to hear the truth, she just wants me to be okay, but that’s just not what I am.
“I hate myself and I hate the fact that I just can’t appreciate my life. You don’t have a single idea how hard it is to be left alone, to be a captive of your own mind. I have nobody I can talk to, not a single person. I keep everything to myself and you just don’t understand how hard it is to be locked in your own head, to fight with yourself, because there’s no one else to blame. Just me.”
I say and again she just shakes her head. I can feel the sadness taking over and she’s just standing there and looking at me. I’m not even sure if she’s listening to me. She doesn’t want to hear the truth. From the way she acted in the last months I can tell that she already knew that something was wrong with me but she never asked, because she just wants to live a happy life, even if it’s not how it really is. She prefers hiding away from problems instead of really doing something.
“I’ve made so many mistakes. I’m a mess, I’m a wreck, mom! I’m not even worth living because I don’t really want to be here. I just … I just want to close my eyes and sleep forever. I’m so done and I just can’t see why I should spend one more day living this life, because no one needs me. No one would miss me. So no! You don’t understand, you don’t see it, because you always hide away. You can’t help me mom, because you don’t want to. I’m your son and you don’t want to safe me and you didn’t took the pills from me because you cant stand losing me, you did it because you don’t want to ruin your reputation.”
And she just stands there. The pills in her hand and she just looks at me. She doesn’t say a thing, she’s just standing there. And I could really use a hug right now but she’s just looking at me. I want her to scream at me. She is supposed to say that I’m wrong. That this isn’t right and that she wants to help me, but she just stands there.
“Say something!” I say and press my lips together. “Please, say something.” I beg her and she takes her eyes off of my face and looks around my room.
“You should clean your room up, Harry.”
And with these words, she just turns around and leaves my room. And I can hear her walking down the stairs. First her steps sound so close but after a while I can’t hear them anymore. And I just shake my head. I close my eyes and I try not to cry. I’m not even sure if I’m sad or just angry. I don’t know what to feel.
I just know that I need to get out of here. I can’t stay here and know that she’s downstairs and that she doesn’t care about me. She’s my mom. She’s supposed to help me. She’s supposed to be there. I mean I … This is so … I don’t even know what to think.
I grab my jacket and run down the stairs. I slam the door right behind me and I just keep running. I don’t really know where to go. So I just keep walking until I arrive at the park, but I don’t look for a bench or something like that. I just look for a place, where no one will find me. A place where I can be as alone as I already am in my mind. And after a while I finally find a piece of grass right behind some trees and I sit down and put my head in my hands.
And before I can think about something else, the tears start falling from my eyes. I start to sob and can’t stop shaking my head.
And I want to tell myself that I don’t care about what she said or about what she didn’t say. I try to tell myself that I simply don’t care because I don’t want to. I wish nothing would affect me anymore. I wish I could just leave this hell called life. I wish I could just stop thinking about the fact that I can’t leave because of my mom. I don’t want her to be sad and yeah, I know that she doesn’t care about me, but I do care about her and I can’t just leave her.
This is really not what I wanted my life to be. My mind is such a sad place. My body is bruised and my hope that something will change is gone. I’m lost and there’s nothing that could safe me.
“Sammy. Oh, damn it. Sam! Please come back.”
I wince at the sound of a female voice and for a moment I look up and see a little dog running straight in my direction. He stops right in front of me and starts to lick the tears from my fingers and I don’t know what to do so I just stay there and let him lick the tears away.
“Sam! Where are you?”
Again I can hear the voice and I’m sure that she’s looking for exactly this dog, but I’m not able to say something or to move and bring it back to her.
“Sam! Leave him alone.”
Again I wince and I take my eyes off of the dog and look up. A girl is standing just a few meters away from me and she moves her hand through her long brown hair as she starts walking in my direction. She kneels down in front of me and shakes her head.
“I’m so sorry. This is not even my dog, I just wanted to do my friend a favor but …” she stops and looks at me. I can see how her expression changes from annoyed to confuse. And first I don’t understand why but then I remember that I just cried my eyes off and I try to wipe away my tears but she reaches out for my hand and takes it away from my face. And I would like to push her away but I can’t. I feel so useless.
She lets go of my hand and sits down right in front of me, the dog is still between us and I don’t know what to do or what she wants to do. I just don’t know what’s going on.
“What’s wrong?” She asks and looks straight into my eyes but I can’t say something. I feel like I lost control over my body. I feel like I can’t speak or move anymore. I just can look at her and be … surprised.
“You don’t need to tell me. I just stay right here and if you want to talk you just need to open your mouth.” She says and nods at me.
“Oh, and my name is Hazel.”
“And that’s how your story begins?” my therapist asks and looks at me.
And I nod and bite my lower lip. It hurts me to talk about the first day we met. Not because of my mother, but because of her. Hazel. I kind of hate and love the fact that she was the first one ever that asked me what was wrong with me. This all just seemed so far away right now, because she is gone and I know that she’s not planning on coming back.
“You really miss her, yeah?” He asks and it is the first time that I have the feeling that he doesn’t ask because he needs to. He just wants to know it.
“Yes. Yes, I do.”
I decided to write everything in present because for me it feels like it's more touching when it feels like the story is happening right in the moment when you read it. If you dislike it just leave a comment and tell me about it. :) x