N I N E
"Who, who are you, really? And where are you going?"
- Mikky Ekko / Who Are You, Really?
“No - You don’t understand. You don’t see it. And I’m so done talking about this.”
She says and crosses her arms.
It’s like we can’t talk for more than five minutes without fighting and I know that this makes her feel sick.
She looks so tired and I would love to reach out my arms and just hug her maybe even kiss her but I know that that’s not what she wants. She wants me to talk about everything but I’m so bad at talking. I suck at sorting things out. I tend to hide away from all the bad things as long as I can. That’s what my mum showed me.
“And at the same time I feel so sorry because it seems like I’m always mad at you but that’s just not true. I don’t want to fight but …”
She stops talking and sighs slowly.
“We can’t go on like this. It’s making me sick. I love you but ... I don’t know, Harry.”
Again she sighs and I hear her words, I understand what she wants to say but the only thing I can think about is that she sighs so often. She sighs all the time. She’s so exhausted and I’d love to change that. I’d love to do so many things but I can’t. Something inside of me is holding me back and I hate it. It’s like she’s standing on the edge of a cliff and the only thing I can do is watch her. I can’t reach out my hands and help her and I hate myself even more for being so damn useless. I hate the fact that I can’t do all the things I want to do just because I’m such a foul. I’m a coward and I’m a hypocrite – but most of all I’m stupid. I’m so damn stupid.
She rubs her hands slowly and looks down.
“Do you want to know what my definition of love is?”
And before thinking about it or knowing what I do, I nod.
“Love – it’s a miracle. Everybody feels different about it. Some people say that love hurts but I don’t think so. Love is such a beautiful thing. It doesn’t hurt. People are the ones that are making mistakes. People are the ones that are hurting each other. You know, how could love be able to hurt someone? Love is not a thing or a person. Love is a feeling – it’s not able to talk or to do stuff like that, so how could it be able to hurt someone? To break someone’s heart? You know who has mouths? Who has hands to rip another person into two pieces? You know who is able to break someone with actions and with words? People are. People can do everything to ruin another person and that’s the sad thing about humanity but that has nothing to do with love, because when someone hurts you so deeply that you feel like you’ll never be happy again it’s not because they love you or they loved you at some point it’s because they are complete dicks.”
She takes a breath and looks at me - a smile on her lips.
“But that’s not what I wanted to say.
For me love feels like you’re standing in the middle of nowhere. You have this little feeling of being lost inside of you. You’re standing there and you look in every direction but everything seems so strange, feels so wrong and then someone appears out of nowhere and looks at you. Your eyes meet and suddenly you know where you are and where to go. For me love is finding the right path. Love is having someone who shows you where to go. Love is needing someone and being needed. And I need you. I need you so much and I know that you need me too but sometimes it feels like you need me more than I need you and that just scares me so much.”
She bites down on her lower lip.
“Love is not about being needed.”
The words escape my lips and my voice sounds so husky, so wrong.
“It’s not about needing someone or at least it shouldn’t be.” I swallow. “I need you but that’s not the reason I love you.”
“Then tell me why you love me.”
And again I swallow and this time I look away from those beautiful eyes of her.
And I don’t even know why I’m not able to tell her all the reasons why love her. The list is so long and it would be so easy to just open my mouth and tell her everything but I can’t, something’s holding me back and I feel like I’m going to burst out in tears because it’s just such an depressing feeling when you want to do something but you just can’t do it. It hurts so much and my heart’s aching. I feel so small and I don’t even know how to explain it.
She asks and I can hear the disbelief in her voice and I understand it. I know why she’s spiting the words out like that because for her it must feel like I’m kidding or I’m a complete dick but she just doesn’t know what’s going on inside of my head.
Some months ago I felt so good. It was incredible but then I started to question that happiness and that was the worst mistake of my life. And all the time I have to think back to that moment when we were sitting in that diner and she told me that I just don’t understand that I don’t need to be happy the whole time. Now I know that she was right but it’s too late. I’m going down and at this point I feel like I can’t go back.
I shake my head unable to speak and without looking at her I know that she’s shaking her head from left to right.
“Oh, I’m sorry that you can’t tell me why you love me. I’m so so sorry that you can’t find one single thing that would show me that you really love me. Maybe you don’t love me, have you ever thought about that, Harry? Maybe you just need me. You are right. Love and Need is not the same thing. I see what you wanted to tell me. You don’t love me.”
I frown and I just can’t look at her. I can’t tell her that she’s so completely wrong because I love her. I really do. I love her so much that I sometimes feel like my heart is going to burst but I can’t say that. I can’t move my lips. The only thing I can do is look at my hands.
“You could at least try to tell me that I’m wrong. You could try to act like you care about me.”
She’s biting down on her lip, I know that she’s doing that because she always does that. I don’t need to look at her to know what she’s doing. I love her so much and that’s why I know her inside out. I feel like I know every little detail about her and that’s one of the reasons I love her. Yes, love is not about knowing someone better than you know yourself but I just like the idea of being able to tell what somebody is going to do when you say this or that. I like the fact that I know exactly what she feels.
“Or could you just tell me that you loved me at some point? I mean … I kind of gave up my whole life just to be with you. I left my dad for you. I mean … I did everything I could do for you and I’d still do that.”
Inside of me everything screams. I’m fighting with myself. I should say something I really should I know that but I can’t convince my whole body that this is a good idea. At some point she will leave me and maybe today is the day. Maybe it’s for the best.
Of course I know that this is so wrong and that I’m a horrible person but I just can’t open my damn mouth. I can’t move because the part that tells me that I should let her go is so much bigger than the part that tells me that I should get my damn ass up and do something.
“Well, okay then.”
She says and her voice is so small – it’s breaking my heart.
She gets up and makes her way to the door and finally I look up. Do something, my hear shouts.
One last time she turns around and I see the tears in her eyes. She looks sad and angry at the same time. Just one minute ago her voice was so small but now I know that when she’ll open her mouth again her voice will be so much louder.
“You know that it would be so easy to make me stay? To convince me that you really love me? It just needs a few words to make me stay but I swear to god when you let me walk through that god damn door without saying something I’ll be gone forever. I won’t turn around. I won’t come running back right into your arms. I’ll be gone, Harry, and you’ll never see me again.”
She looks into my eyes and I know that she means it.
And once again she turns around but before she leaves the room she stops right in her tracks.
Without looking at me she says,
“And this author of yours that you like so much was wrong. It’s really not a privilege to have my heart broken by you.”
And then she runs out of the room.
And it feels like these words were exactly what I needed to regain the control over my body.
I whisper way too quiet, way too late.
I stop talking and take a breath.
“That’s not the end, is it?”
A small laugh escapes my lips.
“Oh I wish it would have ended like that.”
So I personally feel like I fucked up this whole chapter. There are so many mistakes but I’m so tired and I can’t find the right expressions and I don’t know. I’m not English and sometimes it’s so hard to write in another language and I’m so sorry. I hope you like it and when you see some mistakes just tell me in the comments. I love you and thanks for reading. :)x