F O U R
"Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard."
I touch the skin of her shoulder and watch how a smile slowly appear on her pink lips. My hands move upwards and I slightly stroke her cheek. My other hand moves also up to her face and I put her whole face in my hands. She looks so small and I’m afraid that I’ll hurt her with every thing I do.
She sighs but keeps her eyes closed. I understand that she doesn’t want to wake up. We’ve only been asleep for 3 hours, but she was haunting my dreams and I was way too afraid that she would be gone when I wake up so I needed to open my eyes and she’s still her by my side.
Her small arms are rapped around my body and her face is only a few centimeters away from my face. And I just lay thinking about a way of kissing her without waking her up.
We’ve been doing this since 6 months now and I can’t imagine spending a day without seeing her. We’ve talked about moving in together, but I really don’t if this is a good idea. I know that she can handle me but I’m afraid of the times when I’m not able to handle myself.
I know she’s okay with me being this mess. She holds me when I cry and she’s there when I need someone. She doesn’t leave me when I scream at her and tell her to leave. She doesn’t believe me when I say things that I don’t mean.
I slowly lean in and kiss the top of her nose and her smile even grows.
She slightly utters and makes me smile. I know that she’s still asleep and that she whispers my name in her dreams is just so overwhelming.
She turned me into love addicted idiot and I don’t complain about it. I might never be able to appreciate the compliments she makes or to fully understand why she’s able to like me that much.
I kiss the skin right between her eyes and I feel how she slightly moves closer.
My lips move down her nose and I kiss her chin, her bottom lip and finally her lips.
My hands leaver her cheeks and I wrap my arms around her small body. My lips still on hers and after a few seconds she returns my kiss and I know that she’s awake.
“Didn’t mean to wake you.”
I say between two kisses and I can hear how she laughs quietly.
Her sleepy voice says and I give her one last kiss before I leave her lips.
Her hair is messy and I watch how she slowly rubs her eyes before she looks at me again. Her pink lips are curled up into a little smile and from the way she looks at me I know that she’s all mine. I know that I’m the only one that she would ever look at like this. I don’t understand why but I don’t really question it either. I don’t let my mind ruin this.
“I would really like to tell you something.”
She says and her smile fades.
I say not sure if I really want to know it or if it’s better to leave it unspoken.
“I know that you don’t want to hear it, because you don’t understand it but I need to say it out loud. Please promise that you’ll stay here in bed with me, no matter how angry or upset you are, okay?”
She says and her voice is a little shaky. She looks at me with her big brown eyes and I just nod without thinking about it, because I can’t stand her looking at me like this. It’s breaking my heart.
“Okay. I really love being in a relationship with you and the last 6 months have been kind of the best of my life and I enjoyed every second with you and I did so many things with you, but there’s one thing we didn’t do. And I feel like I really need to tell you this, because it’s been on my mind since a few months now but I was way too afraid to say it out loud, because I know you.”
She looks at me for a moment and sighs slightly. She closes her eyes for a second and looks right into my eyes. I can feel how she tries to hold me even closer. And it kind of seems like she’s afraid that I’ll not keep my promise. She bites her lower lip and nods her head just like she tries to convince herself that this is a good idea.
“I love you, Harry.”
She says and immediately I let go of her.
“Don’t say that.”
I say without thinking.
See, the thing is I really like her with all my heart, but my mind is so fucked up. Way too fucked up to appreciate anything that she’s saying. My mind told me all this months that she’s a liar. That there’s no one who’s able to love me and I tried to not allow this thoughts and I was so good at it. I was so good at just listening to my heart. Everything was fine but I already know that this couldn’t last forever. That was the whole point. I just wasn’t able to be happy the whole time. I’m not capable of love. There’s no one that could love me enough to let me forget about the fact that I hate myself that much.
And my heart is telling me that it’s okay. That I should tell her that I love her too, but my mind is screaming at me. She’s lying. No one loves you. Don’t you remember that not even your mom wanted you? Don’t you see all the signs? You’re nothing. Don’t you dare telling her you feel the same, she will use it against you. She will make you look like a fool. Just leave her and this goddamn earth.
“But I really do.”
“No you don’t. You’re lying.”
I say and nod my head. My mind is back in control and I can’t do anything to change that. I’m a captive of my own mind. And you don’t understand what it’s like to be left alone with your own thoughts until you have this feeling. Until you feel like you want to scream at anything and everyone and you just can’t. You end up screaming at yourself, because there’s no one else in your head. There’s just you. You just can blame yourself. For every little thing that goes wrong.
I shouldn’t have let her come so close. I should have kept my distance. This is so wrong. This is so damn wrong. I don’t want this. I don’t want this. This is too much. Way too much. I have to leave, I need to leave. I can’t. I just can’t.
I slightly push her away but immediately she grabs my wrists.
“You promised it.”
She says and I can see the tears in her eyes.
See what you did to her. You broke her down. Look at the tears in her eyes. This is your fault.
She says and no matter what my mind is telling me I can’t leave her. She looks so fragile and I know that this is my fault but I can’t leave her. I can’t.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I just … I’m not able to say the right things, to do the right things. I’m sorry. I should leave you but I’m not even able to do this.”
I shake my head to fast and her hands move up to my head. She forces me to look at her.
I take a deep breath.
“Don’t listen to the things you tell yourself, Harry. I love you. And I’m going to tell you this a thousand times. I love you. I love you, Haz.”
And I again I take a deep breath. And again and again. I need to think clear. I know that she’s right I shouldn’t listen to the voice in my head.
Breathe, breathe, breathe.
“You don’t need to say it back, I just wanted to let you know. “
She says but I can see that that’s not what she wanted. Of course she wanted to hear it from me.
And I close my eyes for a moment. Concentrate, Harry. She’s not a liar. Look at her. She would never lie to you. She’s not like the others.
“I … I …”
“Shsh, you don’t need to.”
“But I want to.”
I press my lips together and open my eyes again.
“I love you.”
I whisper, not sure if she could hear me but as her lips turn into a smile I know that she heard me.
“Big step in the right direction.”
“I know. She changed me. From month to month she made me a better person.”
“And now? Are you still that person she turned you into?”
I sigh and shrug my shoulders.
“She’s gone so I guess I pretty much failed at being a good person.”