F I V E
"My head's underwater but I'm breathing fine."
- John Legend / All Of Me
“Wait, I’ll do it.”
I say but she’s way too stubborn to just let me take the huge box in her hands. She always tries to be the strongest person in the room. She doesn’t understand that it’s okay to be weak. Not all the time like I am but sometimes. She doesn’t have to act all mature and strong.
“Haze, let me grab the boxes. It’s okay.”
She looks at me and shakes her head.
I can see that it’s way too heavy for her, but she doesn’t want to let go of it. She wants to show me that she can handle it just like she can handle me, but the thing is that she doesn’t need to show me anything. She doesn’t have to handle me. I don’t feel that depressed at the moments. Since 3 months my dark thoughts didn’t show up. I’m okay, but she seems to be afraid that they will come back soon.
“Just sit down, Harry. I’ll do it.”
She says and I sigh slightly.
We finally decided that it was a good idea to move in together, but every time I look into her eyes I see fear. She told me that this has nothing to do with me. She’s just afraid to leave her Dad alone. He’s on his own because her mom died years ago. And the thought of leaving him hurts her so much, because she just loves him and she feels like she’s betraying him when she leaves. But she also wants to be with me, I know that. She’s not doing this for me; she’s doing it for herself. She wants to stand on her own two feet.
Well, as I said: she wants to be strong and mature; all the freaking time.
I say again and reach out for the box, but she begs away and the only thing I get to touch is air. And again there is this fear in her eyes, mixed with sadness and I feel like looking at her is destroying me. I feel like I’m the reason for these emotions but before this little voice in my head can tell me that I’m right I take a breath and tell myself that not everything is my fault.
“Its okay, Harry. Just let me do it. I’m nearly done.”
She says and tries to walk past me but I grab her by her waist and make her stay right in front of me. The box between us.
And she looks at me. She bites her lower lip, the sadness in her eyes is killing me.
“You don’t have to be strong the whole time, love.”
I say in my husky voice and I see how the tears fill up her eyes. She lets go of the box and it falls to the floor. The loud sound makes her cover her mouth with her tiny hands. She looks at the box and then at me. She seems shocked but then her emotions change. The tears start falling from her eyes.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry, Harry.”
She shakes her head and tries to kneel down to pick up the box but I grab her arm and make her stay in place.
“For what? The box? Don’t be. It’s okay. Don’t worry.”
And she looks at me and again she bites her lower lip.
She shakes her head and moves her hand through her long hair.
But then she shrugs and covers her whole face with her hands while she’s still shaking her head.
“The only thing I need to do is to be strong. That’s the only important thing.”
She says quietly and I see how she looks at me through her fingers.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to say so I just stay quiet and wait for her to continue.
I’ve never seen her like this before. Normally I’m the one who ends up crying about everything. I’m the one from the both of us who loses control so easily. And I don’t know why but it feels good to see her like this. It feels good to see that I’m not the only person in this room who has weak moments. I don’t really know how to explain it, but I like the fact that she’s not perfect. It makes me love her even more.
“And I’m not even able to do that.”
She takes a deep breath and I try to interrupt her little speech but before I’m able to she continues.
“I feel like I’m falling apart inside, Harry. I finally understand how you feel like nearly the whole time. I try to stay strong for you and everyone else, but I can’t do this anymore. I’m not strong. I’m not mature enough to do it. I’m only 21. I shouldn’t have to be the anchor to whatever for everyone.”
She makes a short break and her hands leave her face. Her eyes are red and lower lip is swollen because she bites on it the whole time.
“I feel like I’m disappointing you.” She slowly nods.
“Because you need me to be strong. I am the only constant you can hold on to and I’m ... I’m betraying you with crying right in front of you. I love you. I do. I love you so much. With every piece of my heart and my soul, but I can’t stay strong anymore. This is slowly killing me.”
Again she takes a breath and the tears start again.
“I feel like this for weeks now but I was way too afraid to tell you.”
“Why?” I say and swallow.
“I didn’t want you to leave me. I was being selfish. I couldn’t stand the thought of you leaving me and moving on with some other chick.”
“I would never leave you.”
I say truthfully and I finally understand how she felt when she told me that she loves me and I said that she’s lying. I see how it is to be pushed away from the person you love the most. I didn’t know that it hurts that much. I never experienced something like that. I’m always way too lost in my self pity.
I feel like my head was under water the whole time. I just kept imagining what it feels like to be deeply hurt; to get your heart ripped out by the one you love so much that you sometimes can't stand it. I created my own enemies because my soul was longing for pain. I wanted to know what it feels like to be deeply sad and I reached my goal. The only problem is that I didn’t think about a way to step out of the darkness and back into the sunlight.
It’s like buying a plane ticket to some country but don’t putting enough money away to get back home again. It’s like buying tickets to a concert without knowing how to get there. It’s like buying something online without actually knowing what it is. It’s like smashing your phone against the wall without thinking about the fact that you’ll break it. It’s like punching someone right into his stupid face without thinking about the possibility you could actually hurt this person. God, it’s like jumping from a goddamn bridge without thinking about the fact that you’ll die when you do it.
“Yes, you will because I’m not the person that can connect you to earth all the time. I’m not the one that can help you all the way.”
I shake my head.
“You say that but you don’t even ask if that is what I really want. You assume that, just because I’m like the weakest person ever I need you to stay strong all the time, but that’s not true. You don’t have to be strong. Yeah, you’re my connection to earth and you distract me when I feel like I’m losing my mind, but not because you’re strong. My love for you is the thing that stops me from going all suicidal. You’re voice that’s waking me in the morning. The way you look at me when you say you love me. You’re the thing I didn’t even know I missed all my life. You have all of my heart and the only thing I want you to do is to keep it safe. You’re the first girl that I gave it to and I know that this wasn’t a mistake, because when I touch you I feel butterflies in my belly. I feel like the sun’s shining brighter. And I sound like a girl while telling you all these things but it’s the truth. I love you, Hazel. And I’m not going to leave you.”
Her mouth’s wide open and finally the tears stop.
For a moment she closes her mouth but then she opens it again. It seems like she wants to say something but she simply can’t find the right words.
The seconds pass by and we just stay there in silence and it makes me a little uncomfortable because ... well, it doesn’t feel that good to confess somebody your love and they just stare at you like you’re totally out of your mind.
But suddenly she reaches her hands out for me and pulls me into her arms. She hugs me several times and starts kissing my lips. Her mouth's all over my face and then she jumps and puts her legs around my waist. Her hands in my hair and he body pressed against mine.
“I love you, Haz.”
She says in between our kisses and playfully pulls at my hair. And I stumble backwards trying to find the way to the bedroom.
“Okay, okay. Maybe we should stop here. I don’t need to know every single detail.”
My therapist says and makes me smile a little.
He clears his throat and tries to be all professional again.
“How did you feel like after she told you this? Did she seem more human to you after telling you that she can't stay strong the whole time?”
And again he makes me smile a little.
“I felt good, I mean I still felt like she's pure perfection but only because I finally got to see her weat points. And hell no. She’ll never be just human to me. The way she made me feel and how she turned my world into a better place. The way she could kiss my pain away – that wasn’t just human. She was ... from another world. A different universe. She was like the sun. She made sure that I feel warm and comfortable the whole time.”
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