E I G H T
"I want to explain how exhausted I am. Even in my dreams. How I wake up tired. How I’m being drowned by some kind of black wave."
- Elizabeth Wurtzel
I just sit there and stare at my fingers. Somehow I lost my way; it feels like I left the path and now I’m just lost. Life shouldn’t be like that – I mean it shouldn’t be all this good for so many months and than boom. – Everything’s just not the same.
You want to know what it’s like to live with depression for me?
Well, I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster. The past months it only went up. When she left me it kind of just went straight – this might sound strange but somehow I knew that she would come back. There was just no other option, so I just waited for her to come back and the rollercoaster kind of did the same. When she finally was a part of my life again the rollercoaster went up again. Of course I mean she’s the love of my life. But now the rollercoaster decided to make its way down again - slowly but steadily. And there’s nothing I can really do about this.
It’s just not that easy. I can’t just tell myself to stop thinking about the fact that maybe, just maybe, everything will fall apart again. It’s like my mind is only searching for problems. I really don’t want to be all this negative the whole time but how can I stop? I mean, I’m not a machine. I can’t just push some buttons and I’m happy again.
I don’t know why I’m upset. It’s just … I am. And maybe I’ve always been.
Sadness was always my safe harbor. God, this sounds so strange but it’s the truth. It was the only constant in my life. The only thing I could hold on to. It was always there for me. And god, I wish that there would have been other things because this sadness that always surrounded me is now a part of me. And it feels like I will never get rid of it again.
I rub my fingers and keep my head down.
And I can’t just go back home and tell her that it’s finally back. She still feels down and I feel like I can’t trust her. She has changed so much. She changes all the time and I don’t know if I can stand her any longer. I love her because she is my new constant but didn’t she leave me just a few months ago? When you say that something is constant, then it really should be constant, shouldn’t it? – I feel like I’m losing my mind. I feel like I’m crazy.
She has changed. Yes, Yes. She has changed but to be honest not in a bad way. She was so needy when she finally came back but then she changed again. She just did. And now she’s just like she was before she left.
That’s good I guess, but I can’t just accept that. Nobody should be able to change this fast. I mean she shouldn’t do that. I’m just so …
I sigh and lay my hands on the table, palms up. I look at the scars that are still prominent at my wrists. I haven’t cut for such a long time but the cuts are still clear to see.
… I’m just jealous.
I’m jealous that she can just change whenever she wants to change and I’m just not able to be fully happy. I have no control over my mood. The sadness and these tiny little voices in my head decide everything. And I feel like I’m crazy. For me it’s clear that something’s wrong with me. And I can’t change that.
It feels like I can’t be fixed no matter how hard I try. And now I’m sitting here in this shitty café with this huge cup of the tea right in front of me and I just stare at my wrists with teary eyes. I’m so full of self pity and I can feel my phone vibrating in my pocket but I don’t want to pick it up because I know that she’ll be on the other side of the line and I just can’t …
But before I’m able to finish this thought someone sits down right in front of me and when I look up I immediately regret not picking up my phone.
“Do you think that I wouldn’t be worried about you when I come home and you’re not there? Do you really think that I’m not able to see that you don’t feel good? And do you seriously think that I wouldn’t look for you when you just don’t answer your phone? You know that I love you, right?”
She says and I can hear the anger in her voice but when I look at her the only thing I see is concern. She reaches across the table and gets a hold of my hands. She slightly lays her fingertips on my scars and I just let her do it.
“I’ve been with you for nearly two years now and I know how deep your scars are. I know that you are broken but I still love you.”
She says and I look at her with empty eyes. I see the words leaving her plumb lips and I can hear the sound of her voice but I don’t know what she’s saying. I don’t understand what she wants from me.
I shrug my shoulders and she just grabs my wrists a bit tighter.
“You don’t understand that the goal isn’t to be happy all the time, nobody is able to do that. The goal is to find the right balance between being happy and sad. Sometimes being okay is good enough. But the moment you feel okay you start thinking that something is wrong. You start worrying and that is so wrong, Harry. Sometimes being okay is all you can ask for. You can’t feel perfect the whole time, that’s just not possible.”
I can hear the truth behind her words, I really can but at the moment I’m just at a point where it doesn’t really count what other people tell you.
“Harry, what I want to say is that you are loved. I love you through the bad and the good. I don’t know why you’re at this point again but I’ll help you because I love you. You’re not alone.”
I’m not alone?
Yes, I’m not alone. The sadness is my best friend.
I’m not alone because I have this voice in my head who’s telling me what to do.
It just doesn’t feel like she’s the reason why I’m still here anymore.
She wasn’t constant. It is just a question of time when she will leave again. I shouldn’t expect so much of her. In the end she’ll leave. That’s what everybody does.
“Could you please say something?”
She asks and I recognize that I’m still staring right into her eyes.
Someday she will leave me. Not because she’s selfish or she can’t stand me anymore. She’ll leave me because she’ll see what a horrible person I am. She will leave me because I will push her away every time she tries to get close. She will leave because I will be the one who tells her to leave.
But not today – not when she looks at me with those big brown eyes looking kind of like Bambi. I might be jealous and maybe I’m not able to appreciate or see the fact that she just wants me to be happy. And yes, maybe I can’t stand her anymore. All this pity in her eyes, her concerned look. She’s always worried about me and she shouldn’t be. She’s still so young. She should be out there and celebrate with her friends but I am the one who isolated her. I’m the reason why she stays at home so often because she’s so scared that I won’t be breathing when she comes back home.
So yes I am jealous.
But not because she can change her point of view and her character so easily. I am jealous because she’s able to forget about her own needs, to give up her own life to save someone else. I am jealous because I’m not able to take care of myself and she can do that for the both of us. I am jealous she loves me more than I will ever love myself. And this feels so wrong, but I can’t change that.
“Don’t leave me.”
I whisper and I mean it because no matter how jealous I am or how often I say that I can’t stand her anymore, I will never break her heart. Because the real person I can’t stand is myself and just because I’m not able to love myself this shouldn’t make me stop loving her. Yes, one day I will push her away and one day she will leave but it will never be her fault. And as long as I don’t run away from her she will always be there. I believe that when she leaves it will be my fault because it feels like she always knows what’s going on in my head. And when she’ll see how jealous I am and that I always tell myself that I can’t stand her anymore and that I just want her to leave, she will leave because no one wants to be with someone who thinks so low of everyone around them.
But somehow I know that my jealousy doesn’t count because the love I feel when she’s around is so much stronger than this jealousy will ever be.
“I’ll always stay with you.”
She whispers back and I know that she’s telling the truth.
“She’s such a liar. I mean she promised it, right? At least for me it felt like a promise. And you keep your promises, don’t you? I mean how was she able to leave me when she said that she wouldn’t? How could she leave? How could she do that? I mean … I’m so lost.” I shrug my shoulders and try not to sob. “She’s gone and I’m just so lost. I came here because I couldn’t stand the fact that she’s gone. I know she’ll never come back but I just don’t understand why because she promised it.”
My therapist looks at me and for the first time since I came here he looks helpless.
“Everything’s so quiet at home without her. I thought about moving out but I can’t imagine anyone else living in our house. What if she comes back one day and she knocks at the door and I’m not there? I know this will never happen, but what if? It’s just I still love her and it feels like I’ll never stop loving her. I know for some people a relationship that only lasted 2 and a half years isn’t such of a big deal but I’ve never loved someone so much like I loved and still love her. She was my everything and she will always have my heart.”
“Two and half years?”
He asked and raised one eyebrow.
I just nodded.
“So your story is coming to an end?” He asked and sounded a bit surprised.
“So you’re going to tell me what exactly happened between the two of you?”
“Yes, only a few more hours and I guess we’re done and I can go back home and be alone again.”
What a crappy end! :D I’m so sorry this chapter is so damn confusing but I tried to show you how .. well confused he really is. He has this huge conflict with himself and nothing’s really making sense because he’s just overthinking. I don’t know if I really like this chapter but I hope you do! x please don't mind my mistakes . :/