After Emi left this morning I have done nothing but look through old photos of the two of us. My phone had hundreds of selfies and photos the guys had taken of us when we weren't looking and they'd stolen either of our phones, each one made smile as I thought back to the memory they held. But on the other hand they made me feel like crying and having yet another break down at the thought that because of one massive fuck up I could have completely lost her.
After going through each of the photos on my phone I started looking online, through old gossip articles and even through fan photo's of us. Before I'd of hated this and tried to avoid all the gossip and rumours that people would love to write, but reading through them now they made me think back to all the memories we had made together. From the first time she was spotted with us at the England match to the photos of our first kiss the paparazzi had got in Disney.
I also hadn't read a negative article yet most made me smile actually as they were just stories of how we'd be spotted out somewhere and how great we looked together. The fans also seemed to like her, yes there was still a little hate but it was nothing compared to what our girlfriends usually received. We really did look like the perfect couple though and I guess we we're at one point... well she was perfect and just truly stunning so she I guess she made up for how much of a idiot I was. How in the world could I even have thought she would have done something like that to me? She would have never done anything to hurt anybody.
Emi? God I hope it's her! I have so much I want to say and apologise for! I ran to the door pulling it open as fast as I could not wanting to be without her for a single second more.
"Emi I'm so glad your here- oh Zayn, sorry mate" I cut myself off as my heart sank at the sight of Zayn at the door.
"I get it mate don't worry, can I come in?"
"Um yeah sure." I answered standing back to hold the door open for him. Once he walked past I let go of the door not bothering to push it shut, I just couldn't be bothered to put the effort in. Standing there for a few seconds I tried to put on a brave face before talking to Zayn, I really didn't feel like having a breakdown in front of him.
"What are you doing looking through these?" He asked, confused I looked up from the floor to see him sat on the bed looking at the screen on my laptop clicking through the different taps I had open. I just shook my had as a reply knowing if I tried to explain I'd break and he'd think I was being weird.
"Mate this isn't the way to deal with this." He spoke softly, there was pain in his voice as he spoke. I knew he was right but I didn't know what else to do. I just miss her so much...
"Then what do I do Zayn? I've lost her and she won't talk to me and I have no idea what to do... She meant and still means everything to me. I love her and now I've lost her..." My voice came out hoarse and by the end it was breaking.
"She just needs some time on her own, trust me she isn't doing any better."
"How do you know?"
"I ran in to her on the beach this morning, we were talking and when I tried to convince her to come back and talk to you she said she just wanted today to herself."
"Wait you talked to her, why didn't you ring me or something? I've got to get to the beach as quick as possible, you think she'll still be there?" I quickly fired my questions at him as I stumbled about trying to put some shoes and a shirt on not caring about the fact I was still in my sweatpants.
"Woah calm down mate, the last thing you want to do is go after her right now!" He said grabbing my by the shoulders to stop me from moving about. "She wants to be alone today and I think you should let her. She did give me this to give you though... I suggest you open it and find out what it is and the the evening when she comes back I'll make plans with the other to go out somewhere. We'll take Emi's camera and get some photos for the website so people don't start to think something's wrong because there's been a lack of updates and we can just leave you two here to sort it all out without any disruptions." He spoke calmly as he removed a folded up price of paper from his back pocket and handed it to me.
"Okay thanks mate," I said trying to remain calm but inside I was freaking out wanting so desperately to know what it was he just handed me.
"Right I'll leave you to it and I'll talk to you later okay?"
I just nodded in response too focused Emi's cursive writing of my name to even say a simple response. I head him laugh a little then walk out the door, as soon as I knew I was alone I got straight on with seeing what it was she wanted to tell me.
I'm sat on a beach right now writing you this, when I'm finished I'm going to come back to the hotel and have somebody go give it you. Please don't come and try and find me, I just want today to myself to get my thoughts together and try and think about what happens if you don't want me anymore and what I could have done differently....
So where to do even begin?
By saying I'm sorry I guess... And I am, I'm truly honestly one hundred percent sorry. I never meant to hurt you, I didn't think I was hurting you. Looking back now though I understand that if I'd just taken a second to see how everything with me and Harry may have looked to you then I'd never have done it. I was trying to care for a friend but I should have told you what was going on instead of letting horrible thoughts brew in you mind... They did in my mind last night, seeing you with another girl was just... Thought of you with another girl was horrible enough for me, seeing it as a reality was a million times worse.
I'm so confused and overwhelmed right now, one minute I want you back the next I dont ever want to hear the sound of your voice again. I go from hating you to feeling the desperate need to sit and say sorry for everything. I want you back then suddenly I feel the pain of last night and wish I'd never met you. My mind is a mess and I dont know what I thought I knew anymore, I think, maybe I do but I just dont know that anymore.
You were everything I ever dreamed of and so much more perfect because you were real and because you were mine. You made so many of my dreams a reality but last night you made so many of my nightmares a reality too. I had fallen so deeply in love with you and even though we weren't together long it was the happiest I had been in a long time. So thank you.
This all been said I just don't know how you feel or what you want anymore, and because of that I think its best I leave, everything thats happened since January is now tainted with the knowledge that you thought I wasn't been honest when I was been. Everytime I thought you were home sick or stressed was you actually thinking I was cheating and now I don't even know if you meant anything you said to me over that time, we're all your smiles fake and the 'I Love You's a lie? You hurt me, you said you never would, so that's one promise I know you've broke how many more were there?
I know this letter is a mess and probably doesn't explain anything but it's just what I felt I needed to say. I'm going to come back to the hotel tonight to collect my stuff, if you're there then I'll know you don't want this to end. If not then I guess this is my good bye.
See you stranger,
I love you,
So it's been forever since I last updated this, I'm really sorry but I've had a lot going on for the past month with my family and friends:(
If you are still reading this then thank you so so much!
Stay Crazy! -Mel X