I woke up in the morning with my head on Ash's chest and my feet across Mikey? We'd all crashed in the one room after last nights... events. Ensuring they were all still sleeping I got up as quietly as possible without waking any of them. I went over to the clothes I'd taken off last night to replace with a pair of Luke's boxers and rolling stones shirt as some make shift PJs. Not wanting to change back in to them and really wanting some fresh underwear I made the potentially risky decision to sneak back in to mine and Niall's room to get a change of clothes.
Picking up my jeans and top, I fished in my pocket to find my room key and then crept across the hall and quietly in to my room, poking my head round the corner I saw him still sleeping in bed. Phew!
Rushing I made my way to my suitcase and packed away my clothes and got out a fresh set of underwear, black ripped jean shorts and whist I was searching for a vest I heard Niall begin to toss and turn in the bed behind me. Please don't wake up, please don't wake up, please don't wake up. "Emi?"
"Emi..." He said now fully awake.
"Sorry, I just came to get clothes. I didn't mean to wake you." I said without looking back at him, trying to hold back my tears.
"No I should be the one saying sorry, I mean sorry doesn't even cut it. Please sit and just let me explain."
"You don't have to Niall, let me just get a top and I'll leave you alone." I told him as I hurried to find one.
"Please don't..." He said getting up and making his way towards me, his voice breaking and breaking my heart. I looked up to him quickly then back down to zip up my suitcase after finally finding a vest
"I can't do this right now Niall." I said as a tear fell began to roll down my cheek causing him to reach out to wipe it away but the memory of last night flashed in my mind and I quickly flinched away.
"Emi baby, I'm so sorry. Please don't be scared of me, I have no idea what came over me last night but I promise I will never let it happen again."
"You promised you'd never hurt me but you still did, you told me you loved me but you broke that too. How do I know you're telling the truth now?"
"Because I am... Please Honey-" he almost begged.
"Please don't call me that..." I whispered remembering it from last night. I backed away heading towards the door.
"Emi I know the truth now, this was all just me being jealous and paranoid! It was all my fault but the thought of you not loving me just broke me and I just let it all pile up inside." He said with tears brewing.
"I loved you more than anything Niall ... I loved you..." I spoke again without looking at him, before grabbing my backpack and the clothing and heading out the door.
Everything about that sentence killed me... The simple fact she said it whist in Luke's clothing, seriously why Luke's! The purple bruise that now lived apon her cheek, the purple bruise caused by my very own hand. The very simple fact she called me by my full name... She never calls my Niall, it's always a pet name or occasionally Nialler or Ni. And finally what she said... She loved me ... Past tense. She was in love but isn't anymore.
The door clicked after she left and once again I was on my own... I really don't know what to do... This hole thing is just one big mess and I didn't know what I was going to do about it... I couldn't let us end like this!
I left the room in a hurry, fishing around in my back pack to the spare key to Cal's room knowing it would be empty. Once inside I quickly got changed and then emptied out my backpack so only my sketch book, pencils, sharpies and camera were left. Everything else I left laying on the bed, including my phone. Before turning it off I used it to check the time only to see the cheesy selfie of me and Ni that I used as my lock screen. It brought tears to eyes as I looked at it, we both looked so happy. Why couldn't we go back to that? why cant I be happy again!
Stop Emi get yourself together...
I quickly wrote a note on the pad in the room telling anybody who came looking for me that I was fine and had gone out, then headed out of the hotel knowing exactly where I wanted to go. I was going to the beach.
It was times like this I really missed my mum and dad... I missed my dads cheesy jokes and simple magic tricks that amazed me as a child. I missed the warm embrace of my mum and smell of the Chanel perfume she always wore. I missed our family nights in watching films or dancing round the kitchen to pink floyd, the who, the Beatles or mums old Motown records. I miss having a bigger bed to crawl in to ...
But I also miss Amanda and Johnny, the two who took me in and grew to love me... The two who were there when I thought all was lost and the family we have made together... And I need them now more than anything.
Most of all though I missed my Niall... but I miss the Niall I loved before he thought I was cheating on him and from when everything was going perfect... the Niall that I loved. But he isn't that person anymore, he's changed and I'm not in love with who he is now. Can't I have him back... I don't want to loose somebody else... I can't loose anybody else, I can't loose another loved one. If this is it for us then what do I have left...