authors note: guys im so sorry! i was having major family problems with my sister and illegal things.... but im back, and ready to get this story back up starting to write! writers block= gone for me!! so i have a bunch of ideas! but guys i have 172 reader! and that is amazing! and the first one is sooo close to 300 ! im so excited!! ily alot!! enjoy!
iv just relized something, even though im sitting next to liam on my bed, i still feel so alone, and even though the tv is on sending the movie 21 jump street in the air, its scilent to me. i hear no movie, and feel no liam, just me, sitting. i think i have finally come to the realization that harry is gone. hes gone and not coming back, hes not gonna wake up one day and remember everything, hes not gonna come to my door step and apologize, he is gonna stay home, in his bed, and sleep, and eat, and live his life because he dosent need me anymore. sadly i still need him, but we all know and i know hes not coming back. im gonna have to move on with my life, with myself, im going to have to grow out of this terriable state im in right now, im ready, im ready to be happy, and feel nothing for harry, as he feels nothing for me. now my mind might be ready but my heart, body, and soul is not. my heart wants him. i crave his warm touch, his cheeky smile, his goofy adorable laugh... id give anything, absolutly anything to have him back. i dont know if it was him saying i was a mistake or him walking away but no matter how much i wanted him back, i wanted him to stay away at the same time. i love and despise him. the things he said to me, they where awful, and i could tell he meant them. with every word he spat at me my heart broke a little each time, i prayed to myself he would stop but it never happened, he just kept going, untill he was sure my heart was shattered. i blame myself. i blame myself for all of this. if i hadnt have gotten so annoyed, so snappy with him he wouldnt have lost his timper. if i hadnt agreed to let him come here on my birthday he never would have proposed. if i hadnt agreed to go to california instead of fucking newyork i would have never met him. that would have been better for everyone. him and liam would be okay never having any arguments, he would have never gotten beat up, he would have never fucking lost him memory. its all my fault. i felt myself crying, i whipped my cheek hoping liam wouldnt take notice, but he did. he turned to me putting his hand on my knee, he whispered,"hey its okay" very soothingly. i appreciate everything liam has done and is doing for me, but no matter what he dose i will never fully be okay. i pretend for his sake though. i nod at him. he buys it and sits back watching the movie again. so i continue to sit there, i dont think i have ever really been depressed so i wouldnt know what it feels like, but if this is how it feels, then i feel sorry for people who do have it. the feeling is almost unexplanable. i feel helpless, and when i sometimes feel like i can do something i end up not doing it because i think 'no hannah you do that then watch you will ruin it, like you always do' so i always stay in bed. a week gose by, no harry, barley an alex, she comes and gose. liam brings me food, and tries to talk to me but i just look at him, never having enough motivation to even answer him anymore. i can tell hes starting to give up on the talking thing. i havent gotten any packages. liam has been leaving everyday at 9 am getting back at 7pm. studio time he tells me, but i end up making up some crazy accusation that he gose to see allie. i dont know why but shes been on my mind latley. i guess being alone all the time makes you really think about everything. because thats all i do, i think of events in my life and think of things i could have done. one thing that has been up a lot is when i got raped. i blame myself for that too. i always have i just never said it. because it is my fault, i shouldnt have been stupid enough to even go to that party and get drunk. so its my fault i got raped. its also my fault my mom is so unhappy, i left her, shes alone, and has been ever since my step dad died. i blame myself for him too. because everything is my fault. so im tried of being a burden to everyone. tomorrow is when im no longer going to be a burden.
"i dont even know what to think anymore." i said looking down at my feet, alex placed her hand on my shoulder, she said,"liam its just terriable what happened" i looked up into her eyes, i said,"alex you dont understand, i have to go home to her everynight, she just stares at the wall, i try to talk to her but she just looks at the wall, i just dont know what to do anymore" she nodded, i can tell she understands, shes seen hannah, she knows, alex said,"liam its time to call a doctor, make her an appointment to see a doctor" i shook my head saying,"what is that gonna do?" she said,"maybe shes depressed, and needs help" i paused, true. i said,"alright i guess, thanks for the talk" she nodded, i got out of her car and started walking to the front door. alex drove me home because louis picked me up but left early. i walked in the house, i peeked into the bedroom and hannah is on the bed looking at her hands that where placed in her lap. i walked away from the door, got out my phone and called the doctors office, after 3 rings they answered the phone, i said,"hello?" a women said,"hello, how may i help you?" i said,"i neeed to speak to doctor greg please" she pasued then said,"okay transffering" then doctor gregs voice came threw the phone,"hello liam" i said,"hello doctor" he said,"how may i help you tonight?" i dont know why but i started to get nervous as i spoke,"well you see, hannah hasent been herself lately, shes been sitting at home, she hasnt been eating, shes lost alot of weight, she dosent talk anymore, im worried" he said,"well liam im worried now as well, tell you what bring her in tomorrow morning and we will have a look see" i said,"okay thank you" and hung up, i smiled to myself, i really hope she ends up being okay. i walked into the bedroom, hannah hasent moved, i closed the door then walked to my side of the bed, i took off my clothes and put on my pjs. i slipped under the blanket and turned off my lamp, when i did so, i felt hannah move, then be still, i said,"hannah, um you are going to the doctor tomorrow morning" no answer, i know she heard me. so i just layed there waiting to fianlly go to sleep. i woke up at 8 i got up got dressed in a white tee and jeans, i did my hair and everything. then walked over to hananh, i shook her a little, her eyes opened, i said,"hey babe um you go to the doctor today you wanna get ready?' she shook her head, i said,"you wanna go like this?" she nodded. i shrugged, then helped her out of bed, we where at the doctor by 9. as soon as we got there, doctor greg was ready too see her. we walked down a white hall and in the second door on the left, hanah sat on the little table with paper over it, i sat in a chair next to the table. i looked at her, but i didnt just look at her, i mean i really looked at her, she looks so sick, her skin is pale, her cheeks where caving in, she has bags under her eyes, her hair is knotted and starting to thin, her lips cracking, shes so much smaller, her sweat pants that once fit perfectly are now saggy and falling off her, she just looks so broken. the door opened, doctor greg walking in. he smiled at me and hannah. he sat in his chair looking at a file, he looked back up at hannah then said,"hey hannah how are you feeling today?" she didnt answer, she just starred at the floor, he nodded to himself then said,"hannah when was the last time you ate?" scilence, she didnt even look at him. dr. greg turned to me saying,"liam can you answer these questions for me? you being the one caring for her" i nodded, he continued,"alright when was the last time she ate?" i glanced at her then said,"about 4 days ago that i know of, i give her dinner everynight but it just sits on her nightstand, she never touches it" he nodded writing something down, he asked his next question,"last time she talked?" god seems like forever ago, i said,"about 2 weeks ago" he nodded, he said,"alright final question, do you have any idea what could have sent hannah into this state?" before i could answer a scratchy weak voice said,"harry" dr greg and i both turned to hannah, shes looking at us. dr greg said,"excuse me what did you say?" she closed her eyes taking a breath she said again,"harry" dr.greg nodded then said,"what about harry sweety?" she glanced at me, almost like asking for permission to speak, then she began,"harry he hates me. he dosent want me. and its my fault. i was stupid. i yelled. i...i want him back...i love him." tears started falling down her face. dr.greg nodded, as he said,"hannah, im sure its not your fault, okay? we are gonna get you out of here and feeling better okay?" hannah didnt answer. he stood and walked out of the room, closing the door. i stood, hannah was still crying, i walked infront of her, she looked up at me. i felt tears buring my eyes, but i held it together as i said,"hannah, i know im not harry, and i know i will never replace him, but i love you, and i will do everything in my power to get you to smile again, to get you better, okay?" she nodded. then slowly wrapped her arms around my back. i gently hugged her around the neck, we let go, and dr.greg came in, he handed me a bottle, then said,"these are some pills that should help hannah, she needs to take them twice a day, one in the morning, one at night" i nodded, he looked at hannah saying,"its gonna be okay" she nodded getting down from the table. we walked out of the office, and got into the car. i really hope these pills work, i cant see her like this anymore.
driving home from the doctors office i should feel better, and like everything was going to be okay, but thats not how i felt. i have this knot in the pit of my stomach, my throat burns,i feel that nothing will fix me. i know liam will try his hardest too but i can already tell you its not gonna work. i starred out the window looking at all the houses pass by, all the famillier houses, i mean iv lived here my whole life. liam was talking, i wasent listening, but i mean i guess hes use to it so he keeps talking. and i keep starring out the window, till something catches my eye, i scream,"stop!" liam slams on the breaks saying,"why?! what?" i ignore him and get out of the car, i start walking towards the familier house, to the people laughing and kissing in the driveway. i stopped walking, starring at him into his green eyes, he froze, his smile gone, and replaced with anger. she stopped up too me, yelling,"what the hell do you want?!" i couldnt talk, the burning in my throat was still there, he yelled again,"what hannah!" hot tears coming out of my eyes, he rolled his eyes and started walking back to the short blonde girl in the driveway, then somewhere with in me i found the strength to yell,"harry!" he turned around i continued,"i hate you" my breathing was out of control, my stomach is doing backflips. he smiled saying," hannah i dont have time for this" i yelled," too bad!" he said,"i thought we ended this already?" i shook my head yelling,"harry i hate you! you ruined my life! you did this too me!" i guestered myself, he looked me up and down, i yelled,"i sat in my room everyday alone for the past 2 and a half weeks, knowing you didnt care, knowing you fucking hate me! i cant eat! i can barely sleep! im turning into someone i dont know! im miserable im depressed, and your here with this bitch, not even thinking twice about what you said to me, while i sit in my rooom replaying it everyday! every fucking day harry!" i paused, tears all over my face, my body trembling from all the anger. harry stood there looking at me, his eyesbrows furrowed, he finally spoke,"if you hate me so much, why are you here?" his tone was acctually serious, he wanted to know why i was here. i know why im here, but me telling him, was the thing i feared most, but i know this is the reason, even if i dont want to admit it. i said,"im here because im in love with you harry. no matter how many times i say i hate you, i will always be in love with you. otherwise i wouldnt have let myself get to this point, im like this because i love you. and your like that because you dont love me." hearing myself say that outloud crushed every last hope i had, but it was the truth. he stood frozen, his face confused and shocked, i dont wanna put myself threw this anymore, so i turned around, walking back to the car, liam was standing next to his door, he heard everything, and he didnt stop me because he knew had to say this to harry. we both got in the car and drove home, in scilence. we got home, got out and walked to the bedroom, liam put the pills on my nightstand, then said,"umm i have to go to the grocrey store, ill be right back okay?" i nodded he walked out of the bedroom and then out of the house. i sat up on the bed, i grabbed the pill bottle and walked into the bathroom, i set the bottle on the countier, i starred at it, then slid down the shower, now sitting on the cold tile floor. i should feel like a weight has been lifted off of me, but i just feel as if more has been added on. he didnt say anything. he didnt care, hes never gonna care again. i dont think i can ever care again about anyone. trust me i want to love liam, and be with liam, be happy with him. but i cant. i cant be with anyone, and love them and care about them. im just enough a sad excuse for a person, im taking up space. im barely even me anymore! i only have me, myself and i, but me and myself are gone, they have been gone, myself died with me, so its just i. i is a bully to me and i want him gone, i want to be gone,i dont want to be here anymore, not over harry, but that fact that i cant love someone to my fully extent because im no longer able too. i grabbed the bottle from the countier, dumping the little pink capsules into the palm of my hand, i looked at them, how there glossy coating shined in the light. and with one quick motion i threw them all back, i sat on there with my knees tucked into my chest, just thinking, im sorry, im sorry liam will have to find me, im sorry to my mom, my sister, my family, alex, everyone im sorry but im too weak, im too weak to do this, im tried of hurting, im tired of trying and it never working. my eye lids start to get heavy, and everything is getting blurry, i took in a deep breath, my eyes closed and that was it. the most peace i have ever felt in my life waved over, i felt relaxed, and releaved. the last thing i thought of is harry, and im glad he was my last thought.
im really sorry this chapter is so depressing but.. i mean it had to be done. next chapter when it reaches 182 readers because i know you guys are amazing! alright ilysm! hope you like it! :)