authors note: hey guys. im sorry it took so long i got grounded. :(. also, i know these past few chapters have been very serious, dealing with self harm, and depression. yes, its a story, but these things are real, and very serious. i would just like you (my readers) to know that is your going threw anything and feel as if there is no way out. theres always a way. and i will always be here for you guys if you ever need me.. :)
im still finding it hard to believe that im sitting here in the hospital, iv been here for a good 3 hours. but i just now got off the phone with alex telling her what happened, she said she was on her way and she would tell the others. my phone rings, i look down and that would now be the 32nd text from allison, shes already called me 26 times. i just ignore them all, because i know what shes gonna say, shes gonna say' harry i told you she was crazy, and i told you not to go over there, look what you got yourself into.' i roll my eyes just thinking about her tone of voice. i continue to sit by myself in the waiting room, waiting for the doctor to come tell me hannah is okay, but no one comes. its just alot of hushed voices and clicks from the front desk keyboard. what if shes not okay? what if she didnt make it? i dont even know how they would help her i dont even know what happened! no. no shes okay. she will be alright. she has to be. i....i. cant .. she cant go with out me talking to her. she just, i dont think i could go on knowing the last thing i basically said was i didnt love her. at all. im starting to feel the guilt in the pit of my stomach. its awful. i feel as if im going to throw up. a doctor walks out of the big white doors, he looks around, he stops at me then starts walking over, i stand, he says,"hello you must be with hannah?" i nod nervously. he continued,"well she was basically gone when you got here-" i cut him off saying,"oh my god, she died!" the doctor shook hes head and said,"ohh heavens no! shes fine, she was almsot gone, you got here just in time son, im sorry, didnt mean to scare you. but she is recovering slowly, now you are what to her?" my heart pounding from the little scare i had, but his question is what im focused on, i cant tell him im a friend, he wont tell me anything. i stuttered alittle,"umm i..im her fiance.." he nodded saying,"alright well you may see her shes down the hall second door on the right" i said,"thanks" and he walked away. i stood ,hovering, im not really sure on what i should do. i should wait for everyone. so i sat down.... i rolled my eyes, oh fuck it. i got up and walked threw the big white doors and stopped at the second door on the right, i took a breath then opened the door. in the middle of the room is hannah, laying in a bed, there are moniters, all around her, and the steady beeping of her heart fills the room. the door closes, i step in more, there are chairs around her bed, and a window on the far right wall. i walked up sitting in a chair next to her face. i sat there, looking at her frail, lifeless body. i feel to blame. her body is so tiny and weak looking, her hands are boney, shes as pale as can be, the last time i saw her she looked fine, so full of life and love. but i took that away from her, i took the life and sucked it out of her and i took her love and smashed it with a bat. so now she has nothing, she has nothing to give anyone, she has nothing to receive because i took everything she had to give. im to blame. its not her fault its not liams its mine. i felt tears start falling down my face hitting my hands, as i stare at this once beautiful, happy person infront of me, and im to blame for why she looks this way now. i can never express in words of how sorry i am to her. how much i wish id turn around instead of kept walking to alliosn. i wish i could tell her. i cant believe i did this to her... still im looking at her, so still on this bed, her beautiful face, her eye lashes visable in the sun, her smooth full cheeks are now caved in, her lips are chapped and cracking, her hair looks dead and untammed, but her eyes, seem to be the thing i miss most, how much you could know about her from just looking in her eyes, its amazing. and ill never be able to tell her this. how could i how could she even want to look at me. i did this to her and i cant undo it, no matter how much i want. more tears come down. i look at her hand taking it up in mine, the shocking warmth of it gave me chills, i kept her hand and held it with both of mine, i couldnt tell her how honest to god sorry i am but i can do one thing. i said,"hannah if you can hear me.. i just want you to know.. i do love you." me saying that outloud made me hurt worst, more tears, more crying, i whispered,"i do hannah i really do" i would never think about saying sorry to her, because sorry will never change what i did to this girl. ever. i pulled her hand to me and kissed it lightly, then placed it back on her bed, i whipped my tears, and got ahold of myself. then the door opened, i turned around looking at alex, niall, and liam walk in. good thing i got ahold of myself. i stood walking more towards the back of the room, liam sat where i was, alex accompined by niall went around on hannahs right side. i sat in a chair at the foor of hannahs bed, i watched as they crowded around her trying to talk all at once, is was crazy. they are gonna end up wakeing her up and freaking her out. i stood half yelling,"guys! stop!" they all looked at me, i sat back down, they did what i said, alex came sitting next to me and niall on her other side. we sat quitely for a good 10 minues when liam said,"harry, you where with her what happened? what did you do?" i looked at him shockingly saying,"you.... you think i did this?! really liam??" he didnt say anything, but neither did alex and niall, wow they all think i did this. i rolled my eyes saying,"well i didnt do anything. i found her in the bathroom floor passed out not breathing" liam nodded saying,"was that before or after you hit her?" i stood saying,"what?!" alex joined,"liam i dont think harry would have done that" liam said,"oh really? you should have seen how mad he got when he saw hannah, i wouldnt doubt it if he did something" i said,"you ass, i would never hit a girl, but what about you liam?" he gave me a look like i was crazy, i said,"yeah, why did you leave? huh why wernt you there when she needed you?" liam stood now, he said,"ME?! ME?! why wasnt i there? harry iv always been there, but your the one she wants! so where are you! where are you when she needs you the most?!" i had no answer. he continued,"harry ill always be there for her! and if you even think for a second that i dont care about her, remember who was the one who made her like this!"he pointed at her. hes right, i did this, i have no place to blame anyone. i sat down but he kept going,"harry i dont even understand why you are here, you have a new girlfriend, and im pretty sure allison is worried so just go home, its not like you care about hannah anyway" he sat back down... maybe hes right. maybe i dont care about her. maybe i screwed up but i cant help it. im human. i make mistakes, and the biggest mistake of my life was telling hannah i didnt love her, because now i know i do. yes i love her. its not a oh i wanna marry her love, its a love you would give to a stranger in need, a love for a child. maybe no one will ever understand my love for her, but its okay because her and i are the only ones who have to understand it.
am i floating? i know im not flying, theres no wind or feeling of flying, but i know im not falling either. even though im having that feeling when you feel like your about to fall. so i guess im floating. but where am i floating, there is nothing but white around me. i just wish i was home. i blinked, but when i opened my eyes, i was in my bedroom in bed, like i was many days before this, waiting for liam to come home. i heard the door open, i got up running out of the bedroom, to greet liam, except when i got in the living room liam wasnt happy to see me, he starred at me blanky. then walked passed me, i followed him into the kitchen, as he made a snack, i said,"liam? arnt you happy to see me?" he turned and shook his head, i brought my eyebrows together saying,"well why not?" he stood for a moment then said,"because you left me hannah, you left me, your selfish and greedy, you didnt even say good bye! and all because of harry! i love you im twice the man he is! i can treat you so much better if you just let me! hannah dare to love someone else completely" as he spoke he got bigger and bigger, i looked up at him as he broke the roof off the house, i screamed,"liam! im sorry! please just stop and get me out of here! please!" but he didnt stop! this was turning into a nightmare. i couldnt breath anymore and i left myself get smaller, and smaller. i just kept screaming,"liam! liam! liam!" then i felt a touch, i opened my eyes, liam was standing next to me holding my hand, he said,"hannah im right here" im breathing hard and i feel sweat on my hairline, i looked into his brown eyes, i whispered,"dont ever leave me, please" he nodded saying,"i wont baby i wont, i promise" my breathing got a little under control, i finally noticed i was in a hospital room, i looked beyond liam. alex is on my right with niall behind her, while harry is standing at the foot of my bed, looking a bit worried and dissapointed. he is the last person i expected to see here. i kept liams hand wrapped in mine, hes the only thing that helps me believe this is real. that i didnt die, and im okay. everyone was quite, i guess they where soaking in the fact im fine. i wonder if they know what i did. if they know why im here. well im sure as hell not bringing it up. i turned my head to liam, hes looking down at his feet, i look at his pale pink lips, his scruffed face, i watch as his chest moves up and down, taking in breaths, and letting them out. my attention now gose to harry, hes sitting infront of my bed, looking down aswell, he seems to be deep in thought, i wonder what he thinks about, i wonder how he feels, and how hes doing without me. i dont have anymore time to think about him because there is a sudden knock on the door, everyone looks at it, and in walks a short, skinny blonde girl, her hair is about shoulder length, shes about, i dont know 4'12 maybe. shes wearing a bright yellow sundress, thats tight fitting around her chest, she has on white heels, with red lipstick, and her hair is straight.i mean shes pretty but not wow pretty. she walks in with a smile saying," hey, sorry im a little late. oh look shes awake" liam stood saying,"uh we didnt know you where coming" she said,"oh its okay, im here now, so it dosent really matter" she smiled, harry said,"how did you even find us?" she walked, and sat next to harry saying,"i called zayn and he told me, since none of you likes answering your phones" she looked around at everyone. who is this girl? liam sat, then looked up at me, i gave him a confused look, he just shook his head rolling his eyes. alex finally spoke saying,"hannah? you okay?" i said,"um yeah i feel fine so far" she smiled, i dont know why but i blurtted out,"harry why are you here?" he looked up at me, saying nothing, so i said again,"harry why are you here?" he took a breath, alex stood saying,"come on guys lets um give them a minute" so everone stood and left the room. harry looked at me, i looked back at him. he stood up, i said,"so are you gonna answer me or not?" he nodded then said,"umm i found you hannah" i looked at him confused,i said,"found me? what do you mean found me?" he took another breath, he said,"i came over, to talk to you about what you said, and us i guess, but you didnt answer the door, and so i walked in, and then found you in the bathroom, not breathing, called 911, they got you here, everythings okay. hannah i was really worried" i rolled my eyes saying,"you worried about me? huh thats a funny joke" he sat where liam was, he said in a acctually seriouse voice,"im not joking hannah, i have no idea what happened to you, no one told me, you didnt slip and fall, there was nothing that could have done this except if you tri-" he stopped himself, i couldnt look at him, but i felt his eyes burning a hole threw me, he said quietly,"you....you tired... to kill yourself?"i didnt answer him i just looked at my bed sheet, but that was answer enough. he sat back in his chair, he was back into deep thought. i looked at him, he looked up at me, he said,"hannah, dont you ever do anything like this to yourself again. ever" his voice shaken with terrior and anger. i nodded, he said,"was it because of me?" i didnt answer him, he said it again a little louder,"hannah was it because of me?!" i took a breath feeling tears in my eyes, i said,"yes but-" he got up from his chair with his hands over his face, he walked back and forth next to my bed, i continued,"harry it was only because i thought i was useless, and i was upset" he took his hands from his face and turned to me, hes has tears down his cheeks, he said,"so you where just gonna leave?! leave me and liam and your family because we had a fight?" i felt my tears again, i couldnt say anything, he knew i was done talking, he walked to me sitting in the chair again he said,"hannah, please tell me we didnt always fight like that?" i was about to say something when he leaned in and his lips touched mine lightly, his lips where still so soft, and gental. in that moment i knew what this was, i knew what this kiss meant, i knew what he was saying, this kiss was him saying goodbye.
a/N:okay well.. i have 188 readers on this one. and 299 readers on the first one! guys im so excited!!!! ahhhh!! okay next xhapter up when this reaches 194 readers!! or 6+ likes!!! i love you guys sooo much!!!!!!