The next day Rose ran down stairs as soon as she awoke and leapt onto Paige who was sipping coffee and refusing to eat anything that Lori tempted her with. Croissants, toast and granola had all been answered with a weary but determined ‘no.’
“Paige, Lori, you’ll never believe what happened to me yesterday.”
“What happened Rosie? You seem excited by it so it must be something fantastic!” Paige smiled at her little sister.
“I have a boyfriend,” Rose announced proudly. “He’s called Oliver and, well, I’ve had a crush on him for almost a year but yesterday he asked me out. And I said yes!”
“Wow! I didn’t know you had a crush Rosie!”
“Well, you’ll have to invite him round so we can get to know him better, Rose. You can have him over in half term if you want.” Lori said warmly.
Rose thanked Lori and promised to invite Oliver round the following week. Then she ran back to her room to get ready for going into town with Rhea and Morgan.
Paige used Rose’s good fortune to distract Lori from forcing food into her and announced that she was going upstairs to do some work for her textiles project. Lori smiled at her and wished her luck in the designing process. But instead of doing this, Paige decided she needed to vent her emotions through writing in her diary.
Paige’s Diary - February
Today has been particularly bad. I woke up depressed and stayed that way for the rest of the day despite my biggest efforts to appear happy for the sake of my family. I didn’t talk all morning but I was slightly cheered up at the History test results when I got an A. It was close to getting what I really wanted, an A*, so at least perfection wasn’t that far off. I stayed happy, in a positive mood, until I finished doing homework at half past eight. When Rose had announced her news of being in a relationship I was elated, she deserves to have someone who pours all their love onto her. Sophie was amazed by it! I know that now I have to look out for Rose to make sure that she doesn’t get hurt, I couldn’t bear to see her get injured by a guy. I struggled to prevent myself self-harming again yesterday but failed and caused a fair amount of blood loss which definitely shocked me. I was a bit taken aback by the way I felt and what my responsive actions were. Surely there was no need to release my mental pain through physical pain. Though, from reading through my writing here, it seems there might be a reason, otherwise I wouldn’t have done it.
I know that I need someone to save me, I know I should ask for help from someone but I don’t know how to or who to ask. Lori and Jack have enough to worry about and they aren’t even my real parents. Not that Tamara is going to be a huge help since she seems to have stopped caring about us, and that’s if she is still alive. I know Nathan would have cared but he is no longer here. Oh, why did that accident have to happen? Sometimes I really hate God and whoever else is up there in heaven deciding on our fate. Rose, Ryan and Sophie are too young and my friends, well, they just don’t seem to understand. I told Indigo I didn’t want to see someone but she just said it was serious and it was my only chance of recovery. There must be other ways though, it can’t actually be so limited a choice. I know I hurt her by saying ‘no’ but I just don’t feel brave enough to do anything else. How can I tell someone what is happening to me when I’m not even sure myself? I just can’t cope with the stress of having to explain myself and my feelings to someone, especially a counsellor or doctor. The time I did go to see a counsellor was awful too so I don’t think I’ll ever attempt that again. I sat there for forty-five minutes discussing things I enjoyed and then she asked why I felt how I did. How was I supposed to know that? There was a reason for my going to seek her guidance! Seriously! I got extremely angry and shouted at her before storming out and never going back.
I keep considering running away, leaving all the problems and sadness behind, going solo and spending my time trying to understand myself and forgetting everything else. I could become a nun, but in the wilderness instead of in a convent. I’m ashamed to admit I would do that to Indigo and Kitty but not Isabelle or my family. They mean too much and I couldn’t hurt them especially since Lori and Jack agreed to adopt us out of the kindness of their heats. I love them too much and they have helped me so much that they don’t deserve to be treated in that way. I wouldn’t be able to cope with leaving them, not yet, when I’m still slightly sane.
I wish I knew how to make these bad thoughts and feelings go away, to abolish them forever. It should be easy but it isn’t really. I know that I want to be happy. I know how to go about it. I have taken the second step but not the first. This seems to make the whole situation more confusing and unsolvable. How can I find my way to escape this labyrinth with no idea what my goal is or where I am going?
I have asked God to help me since I have been learning more about Him and know that He is there to help me. I feel as though I am closer to him than I felt on Sunday morning when I just cried and cried because I knew I was slipping away from Him and I wanted to go back and have His merciless, unfailing love supporting me which has kept me going ever since Mum left us. I have God with me now and He is helping me to hold the devil, and Anastasia, at bay but I have not fully acknowledged the fact there is a problem. There probably isn’t and I’m just worrying about nothing but I need the everlasting love of someone to keep me on the right side of life, to prevent me from slipping to the left side of the path of life, the wrong side where despair is rife.
I just can’t seem to face I may be suffering depression and some other things too. I’ve had so many people telling me that I have anorexic tendencies, paranoia and anxiety that it’s become unreal. I don’t want people telling me such things; do they think I haven’t noticed how I am? I feel as though I am on the road to recovering as best as I can but I know I will need all the help I can get from Isabelle, Kitty and Indigo; if I make friends with Mollie, and so many other people, again. Louise thinks I will but she doesn’t understand the circumstances of our disagreement. I can’t expect everyone to understand though. It’s got so many complications that sometimes even I don’t know how or why it started.
I need support and I will get better. I have too, it’s the only thing for me to do if I want to repay Lori and Jack for their kindness in taking my siblings and me in when we had no one else. Isabelle was right; I do have the will power and the motivation to succeed. I don’t want to suffer anymore; I will not suffer any longer, if I can just escape; escape this dark abyss I have fallen into.
I think Indigo and Isabelle have realised what is really going on, that it isn’t just a short burst of something that will soon go away. They know something serious is going on, that it can’t be shaken off as easily as they had first believed. Indigo told me about when it happened to her, she’d had a similar experience although her reasons were completely different to mine; she had a pushy father who wanted her to get straight A*’s and, basically, thought she should be perfect. He made her feel awful about herself so she resorted to self-harm which caused her a lot of damage. I was quite shocked that she had suffered too. Indigo seemed perfect, with her posh three story house that had a swimming pool and five huge bedrooms, lots of money and having an academic brain which never seemed to struggle with anything. I thought things could never be difficult for her but that was where I was wrong. She was more vulnerable than I had anticipated or ever realised. I was going to have to watch what I said and did around her, she would be able to spot when I was down or depressed from a mile away. I have enough trouble at home in making sure that Lori and Jack don’t discover that something is wrong, I don’t want Indigo chasing me down as well.
Isabelle has been through tough times too and has had some of the same experiences as me so both my closest friends understand what I was feeling, or that’s what they say anyway. It was a surprise to realise that so many people had had similar experiences and emotions running through their veins. Maybe when people say that they understand they are being truthful and actually do empathise with you. I don’t know but I don’t think I am ready to trust any of them yet, just to be on the safe side. I don’t think Indigo or Isabelle really do as they are unable to prevent what is happening to me. Surely the strongest people can help me fight this and make it all disappear. Even so, when they announced that they did understand I was very grateful for their support and the way they acted like they understood what was going on, unlike the last time it happened. The time when my friends had abandoned me and forgotten that I was struggling with major psychological issues. That had been at my old school before Lori and Jack adopted us. I was much younger than I am now and Tamara, my mum, she scared me as well as my messed up brain. It’s difficult to talk about so I won’t. But my new friends, they didn’t want to see me fade away from them, I was one of their closest friends and they said that they couldn’t bear to lose me. Isabelle said she would kill herself if I died. Now, that’s strong language and I couldn’t let that happen. Someone dying because I died! NO, just NO.
Now things do seem to be improving slightly; I think my friends feel I am okay, which I have been for a while but I can sense that I am starting to hide away from them. I am becoming a recluse, like a hermit, living apart from other people. That’s what I want to do. Lori and Jack took us on a trip to a hermitage the other summer and it looked like living there would be a lot of fun, no people to bother you about your mood or you’re eating habits and all the time in the world to do odd bits about the hermitage and read.
It’s getting late. The darkness has closed in outside my window and now I fear it is setting in inside me too. Although today and previous days haven’t been so bad I know that I am deteriorating more and more because I keep on missing breakfast, lunch and dinner and staying awake at night. I can’t seem to sleep, or at any rate I’m not allowing myself to sleep. I worked as hard as I could at school and did my homework to the best of my ability, spending as long as possible on it so as to achieve perfection last night and today was the same. I need to get something right, everything else in my life is going wrong so I need to be in control of something. Control. That’s it. The one thing I need in my life is control and, to be honest, it isn’t something that I have much of. Lori mentioned it to me once that I seemed to always want control, when we were talking about school and how I was coping. I just hope that she doesn’t pick up on all this. I am selfish in these problems but I care for Lori and I appreciate all she’s done for me. I can’t throw it back in her face like I seem to be doing at the moment.
I have become more depressed recently and have considered suicide a number of times, with hindsight this seems shameful but when you get to the bottom of the deepest, darkest pit of despair there seems to be no alternative, no other way to escape; you begin to contemplate whether life would be better off without you for all the people you love and care about. I just couldn’t bring myself to make a decision though. My friends, especially Indigo, Kitty and Isabelle mean too much to me as do my siblings. I couldn’t leave Rose, Ryan and Sophie either. Deep down I know that these people will protect me unknowingly from death; I can’t have become completely cold hearted as I sometimes imagine. There is still a chance. They told me that they understood but if I wanted help, I would have to let them in. They said I couldn’t do it alone, it would be impossible. I believe that I am struggling to keep going on my own. I have begun to contemplate running away again, instead of committing suicide. I can’t seem to function properly here so maybe I’ll have better luck elsewhere.
I know if I try to let them in, it will be hard and I haven’t got the courage to face that right now. I was, and still am, a closed person but if I don’t open up slightly everything could get a lot worse. Still, I think that running away will help me to realise who I am and what I actually want from life. So, I attempted to tell them my feelings in words but this failed. I have written poems to explain my feelings too but the poems seem unintelligible to illustrate such complexity as I am trying to show. Kitty suggested talking to a counsellor as did Indigo. I wasn’t going through all that again though. There was nothing they could do to make me go to a counsellor. I argued with myself, I wanted to feel better, positive and enjoy life but then my conscience went, ‘look at the last time you did’. I didn’t trust them. I couldn’t trust anyone.
I have decided that it is best to steer clear of my closest friends. They will only get me to do something I don’t want to do. I am planning on going to the library at break – to do homework and listen to music so I can relax and zone out from this world. I find it therapeutic; it calms me down and generally cheers me up. It is my time into an imaginative and perfect dream existence where I can be who and what I want. I think I will go to the library again at lunch to read or I might hang out with Louise. She didn’t question me or try to talk to me yesterday when I went over so I feel safe with her, we could just keep each other company and chat about music or films we’d seen recently. In my case, none, as I hated cinemas and never felt as though I deserved a trip out to do something relaxing and enjoyable like that but still, it would make conversation.
In lessons I shall keep to myself. I feel invisible already so making it happen in reality shouldn’t be a problem. When Isabelle asked me if I been in our maths lesson last week, I knew I must be invisible as I had been there. Sitting right in front of her. That really annoyed me as I couldn’t help but think she no longer wanted me around. I thought my friends didn’t care about me. It would be easier for them without me hanging around, I wouldn’t be able to cause them any trouble or stress then. I wasn’t sure they cared anyway, I had doubts about everything, literally everything.
Anyway, Lori will be coming up soon to make sure I am doing work so I’d better go and do something productive. I have history and biology homework due in for Monday but at least I feel better now that I have ranted all my feelings into my diary. This definitely relives me of emotion overwhelming my façade.