"You can't visit her today."
I saw at the doctor that it was serious.
"I'm her only daughter!"
He was cocksure.
"YOU can't visit her and that's all. You may return another day."
"She's my mom?"
I blinked and I saw that he was serious. I got more panic and I just wanted to scream out straight. I realized that now it was all downhill. I turned around and I ran. I ran out of the hospital and I ran all the way across the parking lot. I just felt my legs and I lost all sense of time and place.
"Mom and Dad will always be with you."
I was between them in bed and I felt their love towards me.
"You mustn't die!"
Mom laughed lightly with her tinkling laughter.
"No, we wont die!"
"Do you promise?"
Dad nodded and kissed me on the forehead.
"We will always be with you and we wont die. Not in a long time!"
I was safe. I felt their bodies on either side of me and I smiled at them. I thought my life would always be so fortunate. A week later, my dad coughing. I had no idea what death meant, and I couldn't even pronounce words properly yet.
It was cold, it was raining and I fell down. I saw before me blurred pictures from my childhood and I was scared. I saw blurry faces and I panicked.
"I wont forget you Dad!" I shouted. "Mommy help!"
There were none there for me. I felt not a single warm hug and I felt no love towards me. I just felt cold and I realized I shouldn't even be where I was. I cringed and I shook.
The last Christmas gave daddy me a big package.
"I love you, Darling!" he said and I smiled at him. I tore off the paper and I opened the box. I got the doll that I had dreamed about for a long time. I got a doll that was created from porcelain and who was vulnerable.
Dad hugged me and laughed happily.
"You're like a doll darling. Though you're my tomboy are you still my little girl."
I smashed the doll after the funeral. I didn't want remember anything. I just wanted to die and I just wanted to disappear. I didn't think dad would be dead and I didn't want him to leave me. The doll flew into a thousand pieces and everything landed on the soft moss. I cried, I cried and I didn't want to go home. I played around me, I kicked and I was panicking. What would my life be without my dad? What would my life be if mom left me? I had many questions but no answers. I was a lonely little girl without a goal. I didn't want to be a tomboy. I didn't want to be daddy's little girl. I didn't want to be....
I opened my eyes and saw Greg sofa. I swallowed and realized that I was in his apartment. I was shaking and I had a fever, but I didn't care. I felt the pillow under my head and I felt the blanket around my body.
It was Greg voice from the kitchen.
"But she needs a doctor."
It was Nialls voice.
"No Niall. There's not a doctor who can help her. She has lost both her mother and father."
I realized that my mom was dead. I was angry, I was sad and I was hopeless. I felt like a hamster in a cage and I just wanted away.
Fog, dreams that I couldn't decipher, sound that wasn't there. I ended up in a fog and I didn't get out of there.
Apparatus that was attached to my body. Alien voices, breath and movement. I felt hands all over my body. I felt the question mark and I felt exclamation. I swallowed and I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want no more. I couldn't take it more.