READ THE AUTHORS NOTE AT THE END PLEASSEEE
“I think I – I’m in l-love with you.”
My breath caught in my throat, my eyes widening. “Y-you’re what?”
“Don’t make me say it again.” Justin mumbled shyly.
“I-i…” I trailed off, seemingly unable to form a sentence. “Are you sure?” I asked, cringing at my own words. How dumb.
“Yes, Cass. I’m in love with you.” He stated, gaining confidence from his frustration. “I see a future with you. I want a future with you. I want us to have kids with your curly hair and your cute laugh. I want us to grow old and have to help each other up the stairs because we cant walk up them anymore and you refuse to take the elevator and I want us to be able to get married and go on fancy dates and act like teenagers at 75 and-“
“Stop, Justin. Please stop. I… I, well, I might kind of like you.” I mumbled, hanging my head.
“What?” Justin asked, drawing in a sharp breath.
“I like you as well, Justin. I just…I’m scared. I don’t know if I can be who you want me to be.”
Justin walked scarily closer to me and lifted my chin, “What do you mean, Cass? You’re perfect, I don’t want you to be anybody else.”
I looked away from him shyly. Justin understood, Justin heard me say that I didn’t want to live last night. He already knows, so me admitting it won’t be that bad…right?
“I- I can’t be with you. I’m sorry but I can’t.”
“What the fuck? You kissed me. Both times! I can’t deal with you sending me such confusing messages!”
I stared determinedly at the wall. I did want to be with Justin. With Nate it was different. I was able to completely hide the…darker side of me. But with Justin, he had seen it already. I couldn’t hide it if he was sure to ask questions.
“I’m not the type of girl that is easy to be with, I can’t trust myself let alone the person I’m meant to be with. And after all of this with Nate my trust in people has dropped so dramatically – what if you find out everything about me and hate me for it? I just…I don't know Justin. I couldn’t ruin our friendship. I’ve already been hated by you once and I don't want that to happen ever again.”
Justin scoffed in reply. “Are you seriously friend zoning me after I just told you how I feel and – fuck, Cassidy you know how hard this is for me.”
“I’m not ‘friend zoning you’ I’m being realistic! Besides, I haven’t even properly broken up with Nate yet!”
“Please, he knows where he’s at with you!”
“But do you? I mean - you barely know anything about me and you’re saying you love me! You think you love me but you don’t know anything to love! What do you know? My favorite color?” I mocked. I was blocking him out and pushing him away and I knew it.
“I don’t know everything about you, correct. But that's because you don’t let me know you.” He started, sounding eerily calm. “But I’ll tell you what I do know. I know that when you’re anxious or nervous you stutter uncontrollably and you say stupid shit that makes no sense but is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. When you concentrate real hard you stick your tongue in between your lips and furrow your eyebrows. You hate your laugh but I love the way your nose scrunches up and your smile is so wide it could split open your lips. I know that when you kiss me you’re urgent and needy and you grab onto my hair and my shirt and anything that lets you pull me closer to you because you feel like I’m going to leave you. I know when you’re angry, like right now, because I can see your eyes burning with fury and your teeth chewing your lips like they’re the persons face that you want to kill, most likely me. I know that you act so innocent and pure and good but I know, I’ve seen it when we were running from the police or when we got into trouble at the movies, you enjoyed it. It was so dangerously beautiful to see such adrenalin and hunger for more in your eyes. I know that you’re far away from happiness, I know shit happened in your past and I know that you would understand what I meant if I asked you how many days clean you are. I – I know that you’ve only had alcohol once and I know that when you do drink you go further off the edge than I’ve ever seen anyone go. You’re such a lightweight that literally with one drink you’d be gone. I know that you’ve had shit thrown at you since the day you were born and I’m sorry. I know you feel like you’re not worth it, I know it. I know you have a creepy obsession with Harry Potter and you wear glasses when you read even though you don’t actually need them anymore. I know you would rather stay inside and alone with someone rather than them make a big deal out of a date. You love using chop sticks to eat any food, hell I’ve even seen you use them to eat pizza. And you know what? You’re fucking amazing at it. Everything you do you do to perfection, even if its tying a shoelace. I know your biggest fear is losing everyone and I know for some strange reason that when you hear a gunshot you freeze and you can’t function. I know you don't trust me, I know all these things, Cassidy, because I love you. I love you so much and it would kill me inside to have to be just friends with you. I can’t be friends with you. I know a lot of things about you but I know there are millions of things I don’t know. But you don’t let me. You block me out. And I’m sorry that I don't know everything about you but its impossible to.”
By the time Justin had finished speaking I had my mouth wide open in pure shock and a smile threatening to take over my features. How could he say things like this… this was Justin.
“I-I…I’m sorry.” I blurted out, before I ran from the room.
“Cassidy, wait up!” He yelled, his voice echoing from the small room and over me, sending shivers down my spine. Quite aware that I was still in my clothes from last night, I refrained from going into public eye. I didn’t need anyone to think I was some sort of skank who was running from a one night stand. I ran through hallways as fast as I possibly could, to the only place I thought would be deserted at this time in the morning – the garage.
“Cassidy!” Justin screamed from behind me. I couldn’t let him see me, I couldn’t speak to him. He was too good for me, something I never thought I’d ever say. He was a perfect boy… intelligent, dangerous but in a sexy sort of way, handsome, adorable and he obviously had no problem with noticing the little things.
“Please Cassidy, I know you’re in here. Don’t play stupid games with me. We’re not five.” He sighed in frustration and I could picture him rolling his eyes. I moved so I could hide behind one of the cars that was parked here – I think Mr. Marks’ who lived across the hall – so he couldn’t see me. “I don’t want to play hide-and-seek. I need to talk to you. I’m sorry if I was too full on, I just needed to let you know that I’m not fucking around.”
I closed my eyes and tried to block him out. I knew what he was doing – trying to get me to come out. Luring me with sweet words so he could laugh at me and tell me this whole thing was a joke.
“Please, Cassie. Cutie, whatever you want me to call you. We need to talk about this. Please.”
I heard his footsteps coming closer as he looked for me in between cars and I couldn’t help but smile cheekily with adrenalin, despite how he must be feeling right now. I breathed a sigh of relief as he passed over the car I was hiding behind and almost giggled.
Stop, this isn’t a game. You’re being such a selfish bitch.
Two huge, warm hands grabbed my waist and I let out a scream of terror.
“Gotcha.” Justin whispered as he trailed his lips lightly across my jaw, never actually touching me.
I cringed as he let go of me and walked away slowly. “Justin, wait!”
“So it talks?” he mocked.
I growled angrily, “Don’t be a douche.”
“Because you’re being such an angel right now. I literally just gave you my heart, I confessed my god damn love for you and you run away and you're calling me a douche? Classy.”
“I-I just. I need to explain.” I stuttered, tears threatening to spill as my eyes stung upon hearing his words.
“Well explain. I’ve got time.” He muttered. “But I can’t look at that shitty car any longer, please, can we go somewhere else?”
I grinned widely at his words and almost laughed. Such a classic Justin moment.
“Sit.” He mumbled, patting the bonnet of his car. I gulped in anxiety and sat down next to him, scared shitless of what I was about to admit.
“Well, as you already know, I had a lot of things going on during my childhood. Nothing I did was perfect enough for my mother, as you saw that night you met my parents. She tortured me with that for years and years. I made friends with ‘rich’ girls so she could have her stupid friends and I did everything she wanted me to. I did horse riding and tennis and all these stupid activities that I hated to please her, and it wasn’t enough. By the time I was 12, I had more stress than I do now. I was passing out from anxiety attacks and I was breaking down and literally ripping my hair out because I could never be good enough. My father used to be the balance to my mother, but she left him and told him that he ‘wasn’t up to her standards’ so seeing them that night back together really surprised me. She thinks she’s ‘better’.” I took a deep breath as Justin stared at me in awe, his hazel eyes wide with pity and lips parted like he wanted to say something but was holding himself back.
“Let me finish. On my 13th birthday, I ran away from home and to Aunty Steph where I stayed from then on. But from there I had to move schools, there was a massive court case about why my parents weren’t apt to be my legal guardians and a lot of family drama that took place. Eventually, my mother was taken to a mental hospital of sorts and stayed there to be ‘treated’ or whatever. My father had moved to serve in the army a few years before and obviously couldn’t see me from the other side of the world. I started getting these dreams that my mother was insane and that it was my fault. I started seeing demons in my dreams and I’d have to draw them and Justin…they were demonic. I was 13 and I swore I was possessed. But I was trying to, unknowingly, describe what I was feeling. My aunty took me to a therapist, who diagnosed me with obvious depression and I honestly didn’t know what to do with myself. I was a messed up kid. I stopped seeing my therapist when I was 15 I think, and that was when I started self harming, in any way possible. That was when I think I really…changed. I couldn’t trust anyone, couldn’t do anything socially because I was afraid of not being good enough. My freshman year of high school and I couldn’t even speak to other kids. From then on I’ve been suicidal and helpless and Abby helped me through a lot with that once she found out how manic I was about perfection. She was my friend even when I didn’t speak. But…I’m damaged. I’m scarred from my mother’s need for me to be perfect and I don’t want to put that on you. You want a future with me or whatever and Justin… I don’t know if I can give anyone that, let alone someone like you. What if I taint you? What if you are so busy trying to help me that you forget about yourself and I ruin you like my mother did to me?” I cried, my hands shaking in anxiety as I sniffed and tried to stop the tears.
“Cassidy, you can’t taint me because I’m like you. I mean, its not the same situation but I’m not perfectly pieced together either. You’re not either. We need each other. I saw how you calmed down last night after I held you, and just seeing you helped me to forget about everything other drama and just make sure everything was okay. I…I don’t know if I can survive without you.”
“I do need you.” I admitted softly.
“I wouldn’t be nearly as strong as I am without you. Since I’ve been creepily obsessed with you, I’ve stopped feeling so…empty. I’ve had like a small flame of encouragement and hope and a small filled space that was once an empty hole of nothing and now its like…I might be able to be happy again, even without my dad or Emily or my mom.”
I stared at Justin in wonder, I mean, is that what being in love truly felt like? To be so…hopeful? To be so complete?
“Can’t you give us a try? To see if we would even work?”
“N-no, I can’t. I’m not even myself sometimes I just break and i can’t piece myself back together.”
“I can help you!” Justin stood up, his anger fueling him as he ran his fingers through his hair in what looked like the most frustrated manner I had ever seen. I stood up also and watched as he paced around.
“No, you can’t! Why don’t you get it, Justin?”
“Because you’re not making sense! You have your walls up, but so do I. You have a past, and I do too. You know we’re perfect for each other!”
I scoffed. “You’re ridiculous.”
I turned to face him, anger blazing through me. “I’m a suicide mission. My mind is filled with demons and I’ve surrendered to them. I can’t do this anymore; I’m broken, Justin.” My voice began to rise as my anger grew and I met his eyes. “Why can’t you understand that you should stay away from me!”
He ran his hands through his hair, frustrated. “See, that's the problem. I can’t stay away from you. I haven’t been able to since the minute I met you!”
My breathing hitched as he came closer and closer, walking angrily towards me. He let out a frustrated groan as he pushed me against the side of his car. He brought his mouth up to my neck, breathing heavily.
“You have to keep going. You’re broken and I still love you. You’re still perfect. You’re broken, so let me help. Let me fix you.”
“I…” I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t breathe. Had Justin seriously just told me what I had wanted to hear since I was young, since before I even ran away? Had he really just…
“I' what? You what?” Justin asked.
“I…d-don’t know what to say. T-thank-you.” I said quietly, resting my head on his shoulder and letting out a shaky breath.
“I’m making you nervous.” He smirked as I shook my head. “Yes I am. Give me a chance, Cass. Just one chance, cutie.”
I looked deeply into his beautiful eyes where I once saw darkness, now to see pure hope.
“On-ne chance. One.” I uttered. “If you screw me over, Justin Bieber, I will kill you.”
“I’d kill me too. I won’t screw you over, I’d never ruin my chance with the girl of my dreams.” He whispered, the most genuine smile I’ve ever seen on his face dancing on his lips.
“I better not regret this.” I mumbled.
“You won’t, oh I swear to god I’ll never let you regret this.”
Okay so if you read the status thingy i wrote you'll know my excuse for not updating and not get mad bc guys i literally could not think. Also, this chapter was really hard to write and is completely unedited so theres probably 1000 plot holes and mistakes but i just wanted to update really badly for you because of all your A M A Z I N G support. i love you all SO MUCH and i hope you enjoy these last like 10 or something chapters :)))) byee lovliesss xx